“Forcing” a child to be vegan?

[Twodrunkducks]

My dc had a friend over for the day, mum told me friend is vegan so I catered accordingly. When friend was round they told me they’re not actually vegan, but parents insist on sticking to a vegan diet at home, school or out with them. Asked for a cheese sandwich and begged me not to tell their mum. I felt really uncomfortable and just stuck with the vegan food I’d got in as mum requested. Child is 12 and in secondary if that makes a difference. I don’t even really know what my Aibu is. Are 12 year olds old enough to decide what they eat for themselves or at that age should they still be following parents rules?

It’s not even just about undermining the parents, giving dairy to someone who hasn’t had it before or in a while can make them ill if their stomach isn’t used to it

I’m vegetarian and so were my dc until they chose otherwise. They were probably 3 when they chose to eat meat… DS is very much a meat eater, DD has been vegetarian by choice for last 2 years (at 14), at 12 they can certainly choose!

It's not "really difficult " - you just take a multivitamin like a lot of the population already do, and eat a balanced diet.

What an awkward situation....I'd have made a big platter of vegan and non vegan food complete with cheese sandwiches....stuck in the middle of the table. Told the kids to help themselves...and turned a blind eye. Poor kid

Your personal opinion bears no scientific weight though, does it? A proper vegan diet is far healthier than what a lot of children are fed and an awful lot of the tidal wave of health issues we face would be addressed if more parents brought their children up to be vegans (and respected other families' choices to do so)
A 12 yo is of course able to make a choice about eating non vegan foods, but i would imagine his understanding of healthy eating, ethics and sustainability, furnished by his upbringing will put him in good stead for good health decisions in the life course.

Woah!? Ok.... You disagree with what I wrote. That's ok.

I disagree that a vegan diet is optimal (note my use of that word) for a growing child. I stick to that. Back off !

I don't think chicken bites are optimal for a child's diet either. Nor is most of the crap people feed kids. (Including a lot of vegan processed food)
It's irritating to repeatedly read people (and apologies that the irritation directed at you, not intended, it is a long term condition) making false claims about veganism, because it's a hugely healthy diet for all age groups, done properly.

Not sure why @Petrolitis and others believe it's incredibly 'difficult' to get enough nutrients on a vegan diet. It really isn't.

The only one that vegans may need to get from eating a 'fortified' food or taking a supplement is B12 (something which, incidently, many omnivores are known to be deficient in nowadays).

You can get plenty of iron and calcium from eating a wide range of plants (vegetables and pulses). In terms of calcium, there's evidence that the 'absorption' rate is higher, and the 'excretion' rate lower, from consuming dark green leafy veg rather than cows' milk.

You can easily get enough protein from eating pulses and grains together, whether that's lentil dal with rice, or beans on toast. You are unlikely to have to worry about getting enough fibre if you eat vegan whole foods!

My only word of warning would be to steer clear of most of the ultra processed stuff being heavily marketed at vegans these days. You don't need it, it's relatively expensive, it's not all that tasty or healthy...

My nephew was raised vegetarian but he’s not vegetarian.

Blimey, I thought you were going to say he was 6 or 7.

I think I’d have to say something to the parents in this scenario, and possibly the school depending on their reaction, which was what the poor lad told you. He is being forced into something he doesn’t want to do, (begging for cheese (!!)) which could be compromising his health, especially as a teen, which may be why his body wants it.

He is obviously not comfortable telling his parents this due to their views, or maybe he has and they have ignored him. Either way it’s concerning and bordering on abuse IMO.

How are his parents going to cope when he sneaks to McDonalds for a Big Mac with his mates in the next few years? Would he be punished?

Have they told the school he mustn’t eat meat? Can he choose his school lunch?

If they don’t want to cook animal products or keep dairy in the house, fair enough, but he should be able to eat it outside of the house!

I’ve been a vegetarian since 12, from a household of bone knawing meat eaters. My family were horrified but my mother bought me meat free substitutes when she saw I wasn’t going to back down. I won’t let anything that’s touched meat or fish touch my lips as I just hate the thought of it, but I knew my children would be better off health wise eating it so gave it to them from weaning and have no qualms about cooking it daily for them as part of a healthy veg/fruit and pulse/lentil rich diet. I get my hands in raw meat to make burgers and koftas for them with some disgust and with gloves obviously!

I’d actually be concerned if they chose to become vegan or vegetarian as I’ve struggled with low iron and vit b12, since I became a veggie which has had an impact on my health. They love their meat though so not likely.

The absorption rate and bioavailability of iron and B12 in plants and supplements is much lower than in red meat though. Same as calcium from dairy.

It is also pretty hard to get enough protein from non meat sources on a daily basis, especially for a growing teenage boy,

The only way I can keep my iron level up is if I juice half a pack of spinach or Kale with a couple of oranges daily as well as take iron spray as the GP prescribed supplements have problematic side effects. I also have to have a couple of protein shakes with milk to get my protein quota when I’m on it.

I have read that some blood types do better on vegan/vegetarian diets than others. Mine does not. Not sure how much truth there is in that.

Still though a child shouldn’t be forced to only eat a vegan diet if they don’t want to and 12 is well old enough to make that decision.

I have two sisters who are vegan. My mum will also tell the more very strident sister she is vegan but she isn't at all.
She hides eggs and cake in he kitchen in case strident sister drops in. She's 75 with osteoporosis. I put a honey cereal out on the table when we were all away once and strident sister swooped it away and said 'No, mum can't have that it's not vegan' I wanted to scream SHE ISN'T VEGAN SHE'S JUST TELLING YOU THAT TO PROTECT YOUR Feelings LEAVE HER ALONE 😂
My other sister, also vegan, had severe hemorrhage after giving birth and whilst at the hospital had a jacket potato with dairy cheese. She was utterly terrified strident sister would find out and made me swear I wouldn't tell her. It's exhausting tbh.
Strident sister has a vegan dog and is now looking into putting her cats on a vegan diet.

I actually think the 12 year is old is almost certainly healthier than their peers and a vegan diet can be incredibly healthy, not to mention the animal rights aspect. We stick them on meat eating diets without consulting them as soon as they can eat.

But it's sad the kid doesn't feel confident to raise their feelings with their parents.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Lay out a buffet type arrangement, make it clear which are vegan and which aren’t and walk away. We’re not talking about an allergy situation and 12 is old enough to make their own choices.

This! I have a 12 year old and when friends are here I provide the food but I don't watch what they eat.

Because the pp is is understandably worried about her calcium levels but may find this helpful if it becomes an issue:
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/eat-well/how-to-eat-a-balanced-diet/the-vegan-diet/

I wouldn't mind what the child ate, but I wouldn't deliberately serve them non-vegan food and I wouldn't lie. We follow a faith-based dietary restriction at home. At home. Outside the home the dc can choose for themselves. But I would not be impressed if they were fed pork sausages on a playdate when the host parents knew that we are Jewish.

That said, by 12 my dc knew they could take what they wanted from our fridge, unless I'd indicated that certain things were off-limits (eg ingredients for a specific dish). So I'd let them help themselves, they and their guest could make their own sandwiches without my involvement.

I’d mention to the other mum that the child seems unhappy on the vegan diet and asked for a cheese sandwich.

For some people being vegan is like a religion and they’re very militant about it. I personally don’t agree with a vegan diet for young kids, it’s too restrictive imo.

A proper vegan diet is far healthier than what a lot of children are fed

It maybe slightly better than a diet full of processed crap and junk food....but that doesn't mean it's an optimal diet.

But the kids are technically adults so surely can follow any diet they want? Regardless of the posters concerns

I agree it's not right to force a child to be vegan outside the home. I wouldn't give him non-vegan though unless you are sure other people are. If he's been vegan for years his body might have lost the ability to process animal fats.

One is nearly adult. It seems they do make their choices but perhaps the one considering veganism is just listening to her mum's concerns regarding calcium and pondering. Looks like they all follow pretty varied diets, idk if the mum does all the cooking and shopping

18 and 19 is legally adults

Nearly 18 it says

You were obviously correct OP. No responsible adult colludes with a child to keep secrets from their parents. It's only because this is about veganism that people are saying otherwise.

At 12 I let the kids make their own lunches/snacks with their guest so if he wanted a cheese sandwich and made one that would be his call.