“Forcing” a child to be vegan?

[Twodrunkducks]

My dc had a friend over for the day, mum told me friend is vegan so I catered accordingly. When friend was round they told me they’re not actually vegan, but parents insist on sticking to a vegan diet at home, school or out with them. Asked for a cheese sandwich and begged me not to tell their mum. I felt really uncomfortable and just stuck with the vegan food I’d got in as mum requested. Child is 12 and in secondary if that makes a difference. I don’t even really know what my Aibu is. Are 12 year olds old enough to decide what they eat for themselves or at that age should they still be following parents rules?

I think 12 is generally old enough to decide, however...

Vegans have to skip quite a lot of food groups. It's entirely possible the girl has allergies she doesn't know about yet. As you'd be going against parental wishes... I'd only give her food that she had eaten before.

If she always sneaks cheese, fine. If it would have been the first time having dairy... nope. Not quite sure how you'd explain an allergic reaction to the mum if one happened.

I don’t eat meat but my husband and child do, so I’m not against dietary preferences but wouldn’t enforce them for a child. However, I also wouldn’t personally go against dietary preferences I’d been informed about by another child’s parent. If the diet in question was halal rather than vegan, for example, I think most people would agree it wouldn’t be appropriate to give non-halal food even if the child said it was their choice and they wanted to eat it. You also don’t know for certain that the child definitely doesn’t have any intolerances (e.g. lactose).

At 4 or 5, you should definitely respect the parents’ decision as the child is too young to understand the ethical implications. At 12 though, the child is going to do what they want to be honest.

I’m vegetarian, DH is, and so is my brother and DH’s sister (and their spouses/kids). DS knows I’m not cooking him meat or taking him out for a burger myself because I don’t want to financially support the meat industry, but I don’t mind what he eats at school or with his friends. He has had a few non-veggie sausages and burgers over the years, but aside from that hasn’t shown much interest.

I’ll be a bit disappointed if he ends up eating rare steaks and offal as an adult, but at least I know he has had a healthy vegetable-packed diet as a child, and knows meat isn’t the be-all and end-all of a meal.

Absolutely old enough to make their own choice.

I'm vegan. I have a 14mo old. We make vegan meals at home, because I want her to eat what we're having, and don't want to make two separate things. I do however buy her in things like cheese and eggs, because I want her to carry on being exposed to the allergens, and I don't want her to never have dairy then struggle to digest it if she does want to eat it one day.

She has both meat and dairy when at my parents/nursery.

As she grows up, I will expect her to eat what I'm making, but would buy her whatever when out. If she's a teenager and wants to spend some pocket money on chicken dippers or whatever, fine. I will always be happy to buy in dairy, etc, as that can be added to cooking without making a completely separate dish.

I would never stop her eating cake etc at a party.

If people think I'm a bad vegan then 🤷🤷 I think people take it too far and I don't think it's right to impose a diet on anyone.

On another note though, if a kid isn't used to dairy, I'd be reluctant give it them if you're not the parent, as it's likely to cause a very upset tummy.

I'd have left a choice of foods out, said which were vegan and let the child decide.

Thing is they're not. There are a few essential proteins, lots of calcium and obviously vitamin B12 which vegan diets are deficient in and they can stunt their growth.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10934552/ pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10934552/]]]]

I would just give them that cheese sandwich and stay away from their nutty parents.

One option is to put the bread and all the sandwich fillings (vegan and non-vegan) on the table and let the kids make up their own sandwiches. You’ve done your bit for your friend by providing a vegan option, the kid can tell their parents that you made a vegan option, and they can eat whatever they feel like.

Exactly. We’re a fully vegetarian household, but since DS has been old enough to go out with friends for good, we’ve made it very clear that it’s his choice. He’s made a couple of experiments, decided meat wasn’t for him, but it’s fully his choice.

My Jewish friend, who’s parents kept a kosher home, used to come to my house and eat bacon. We’d cook it ourselves though. I don’t think my parents paid much attention to it but also it’s not like her parents called us up to insist she keep kosher.

Yep, 12 is old enough to make the call, and also for that choice to be respected whichever decision is made. My eldest of around the same age decided he didn’t want to eat lamb for reasons he’s explained, and I fully respect his decision. As other
posters have said, there will be no policing a vegan diet once he has his own money/buys his school
lunch etc.

mum of vegetarian household here (with 3 dc who are far more militant than me about the wrongs of meat eating!)

this should absolutely be dc choice. I was always open with my dc about where meat comes from when they asked but would even cook meat dishes for them when they were tiny if they wanted (and one was rather weedy so I was keen to get calories into her by whatever means). Was always clear it was their choice.

in your situation I would be slightly weary of giving cheese to a small child (who might have never eaten it and therefore get upset tummy) though would judge and report child’s wishes to parents. At 12 I’d give them cheese, on the assumption they were probably making this choice at other times.

incidentally every veggie/ vegan parent I know who has forced their choice on dc has ended up with omni dc

Aside from the emotive food issue and assuming the child is generally thought to be healthy and not neglected, I would not be colluding with a 12yo to give her something she knows she isn't supposed to eat and keep it secret from her Mum.
How do you think it would play out when she went home and announced you'd given her cheese?

My friend doesn't let her kids have sugar, and is understandibly pretty upset when her kids are given sugar by other parents(despite the other parent being told about the restriction) at friends houses.
Is that fair enough?

Ultimately kids that age are governed by their parents, and that should be respected, as long as it doesn't harm the kids

If the kid rebels.. Fine
But no need for other adults to assist/encourage that rebellion

why would halal be significant? It’s still an arbitrary set of rules about food chosen by the adults.

A 12 year old should be able to make choices like that for themselves.

I'm vegan and brought dd up as vegan from birth. When she was 7, I told her that she was old enough to decide for herself what she wanted to be - I'd carry on cooking vegan at home (which she was happy about) but she could decide what to eat outside the house.

She decided to become veggie rather than vegan, albeit sticking to some vegan options like soya milk rather than cows milk. She's in her early 20s now and has stuck with that choice.

I wouldn't give a visiting child food that their parents had specifically told me not to give them, and I wouldn't agree to lie to the parents about what the child had eaten. 12 is borderline and it's certainly different with a teen or an adult, but at this stage the parents are still responsible for the child's health and I have no idea if they might have some kind of negative reaction to the food we normally eat if they're not used to it. They may have medical food restrictions or allergies that the parents didn't mention because they assume that saying "vegan food only" covers it.

Ethically, restricting the child's diet to a subset of items they're willing to eat and which provide adequate nutrition isn't equivalent to the reverse - for example, forcing a vegan to eat cheese. All of that said, I cook vegetarian at home but children have always been free to eat meat if it's on offer when we're out.

Thank you everyone for your responses, it’s given me food for thought. I stand by my decision that I didn’t give him a cheese sandhwich. If it was reversed I would feel massively undermined as a parent! Ultimately, it may not be something I understand but I love mumsnet and the variety of opinions you all give for this very reason because it reminds me that my way isn’t always the right (or wrong!) way.

As long as what you feed your child is as healthy as you can (with time, money, energy) it's fine to be vegan. A vegan diet could be healthier than processed food beige diet or could be full of processed meat alternatives.

By 12 though they are making their own choices. Still a tricky situation to be put in when actively providing food. Different if they'd helped themselves (your kid and vegan kid) from the fridge.

12 year olds are old enough to make their own informed choices regarding their food.
give the kid the cheese

This

Actually it's really difficult to make a vegan diet nutritionally complete and vegans usually have to take supplements.

A quick Google will tell you that.

A 12 year old is over the age of criminal responsibility and may well be Gillick competent too. Their parents should not be forcing them to be vegan. Imagine if a child that age wanted to go veggie and their parents forced meat on them.

12 is old enough to decide. I was 12 when I chose to be vegetarian and I'm glad that my family respected that choice even though they thought it was silly. If I had a 12 year old who wanted to eat meat, I wouldn't cook it for them but I definitely wouldn't stop them from eating it elsewhere (restaurant, friend's house, meat snacks that din't need cooking at home).

If you're worried about actively going against what the other parent has said, I agree with the idea of providing all the ingredients, vegan and not, and letting them make their own sandwiches. That way it's the 12 year old#s choice, not yours.

I'd have made cheese sandwiches and left them out. If questioned my DS is not vegan and they were for him. No-one should have a diet forced on them - and one hopes the parents know how to balance a vegan diet for their DS as he goes through puberty - teenages needs stacks of protein etc.

Vegetarian here. My 2 ds eat meat and fish. I chose to be a Vegetarian when I was a young child (my parents weren't) so I let my children choose what to eat or not/ if they believe in a God or not. I think it's selfish to force your lifestyle upon your kids. If the parents only serve vegan at home fine, but let the boy eat what he wants outside.

If she’d happily be vegan then why isn’t she?