Would you live with adult DC who contribute nothing to the household?

[CrumpetBandit]

H has 3 adult DC who have lived with him/us full time their entire lives (now 22, 21 and 19). He works very PT (one day a week) and I work FT.

Younger 2 DC both work PT. Eldest doesn’t work (has epilepsy which is reasonably well managed but not risk free).

But they contribute NOTHING. They don’t pay rent or board. They don’t do housework. They’re out for every mealtime. They get up and make breakfast and just leave their pots on the side. They don’t even do their own washing - H does it all for them. In case of the eldest… H brings him breakfast in bed, every single morning. Makes his snacks if he’s going out. Cooks him meals when he’s home (separate to ours as he wouldn’t want to eat what we eat). Brings him drinks and snacks all day long - he literally does not lift a finger. Then leaves all his pots in his room for H to then clear up!

It goes completely against my morals and values to have 3 people in a house who contribute nothing at all, financially or physically, who don’t even do their own washing or clean up after themselves. AIBU to think H is completely batshit for thinking this is an acceptable set up?! Apparently we should be doing everything for them because “they’re our kids”. (They are my step DC.)

Genuinely thinking we are incompatible to the extent that I’d be much happier and less resentful living alone.

I’m sure others will ask but if he is your husband, surely you knew this before you married him? Why had it just become an issue.

But yeah if they are not contributing financially, or even working to save up and not contributing then they are in for a lifetime of freeloading. Not contributing to household chores is frankly a pisstake.

The goal of parenting is to raise mature, responsible, independent adults, not grown-up babies who have to be waited on hand and foot. Their father may love them very much but he is not helping them at all by treating them like this.

We met 18 years ago so no, I did not know this about him as one generally expects parents to mop up after their toddlers.

It is somewhat less expected when those toddlers are in their 20s.

No I wouldn’t. But why didn’t you have that talk before you moved in and married him. The adult with epilepsy needs to get a job. If they can go out then they can work. Plenty of people work and manage their lives that have epilepsy. He’s raised three adult babies. Also are the younger two of education? They should be in full time work if not.

My H was like this with our kids, the bloody fool.

His lot are all for infantilising the young people in the family. 🙄

I used to have to yell at all of them for anything to get done.
Utterly depressing.

I have ds 19 & 21 , they pay a small amount of board ( some of which i save ) some just towards the food bill as they eat a lot. They also keep own rooms clean, cook for themselves if we are busy / out etc. will do some chores if leave them a list , but could do a bit more. Both work full time, they will eventually have their own homes so need to do things for themselves as we won’t live with them and their girlfriends will not pick up after them. The least anyone should do is clean uo after themselves , charging is very contentious on here but personally a small charge suits us and my Ds have no issue with this

No 🤣. I can't think of anything worse. I'm not a mug. Plus it's not setting them up for the real world

The breakfast in bed thing is fucking hilarious. Is this a reverse?!

He works 1 day a week? So you're financing everyone?

F that. He’s enabling them.

In fairness, he is a very high earner and earns almost as much as I do working FT!

What on earth does your DH think he's doing by this kind of 'parenting'. I can guarantee that each one of those DC (your DSC) will end up in failed relationships going forwards, as one of their father's main jobs in life is to equip them to survive alone. That not only means by hard work, but by being able to contribute 50/50 in a relationship.

I think I’ve said the same thing on about 4 threads this week 😆 but it’s because these situations keep coming up so I’m gonna say it again :

this is why I don’t recommend dating men with kids if you're a woman who doesn’t have any!

I don’t really know the answer now you’ve been with him 18 years. I Guess you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him.

Personally I’m ok with young adults (under 25) not contributing much financially if building up their savings, but I’d expect them to be very involved in household chores. And I’d wonder about their work ethic if they are working part time at that age - unless they’re at college.

I don’t know your step kids specific medical history of course but I do know people with epilepsy who work. Are they just intending not to work for his entire life?

But there is a long time between looking after babies and adult children. This must have developed over 18 years. Now it is going to be a choice of leave or put up with it. You describe an extreme situation that is embedded. One very serious conversation and if it doesn't change then leave or put up with it.

What is your role? If they've lived with you full time all their lives done you have a say? Aren't you like a mum to them or where is there mother?

It stressed me out seeing my own DD potter around not contributing to anything and trying to find ways to avoid work, I’d lose my mind if I had to watch 3 of them pull these stunts.

Additionally I’ve never heard of epilepsy being an impediment to work, unless it’s particularly severe? I know a few people and they all work.

so what does your DH think will happen in future?
what if any of his precious sons meets someone/ wants to live with their new partner? what if he dies?

it sounds like they have reached the age of 20 without acquirig any basic life skills, and would be unlikely to function independently. does he want them to end up being useless cocklodgers?

Fuck that, my 5 and 7 year old are more diligent around the house already 🤣 also, your husband needs to get a proper job as do his kids, this would do my head in and be completely untenable!

To answer this and some other questions.,, Their mum isn’t interested, she left when they were babies. That’s part of the reason he panders to them so much - overcompensating for their other parent being useless.

He also apparently seems to think that asking them to do things means they’ll like him less and won’t come and talk to him about things.

He wasn’t always like this, and when he was working FT and I was PT, I made sure the DC emptied the dishwasher before they made breakfast, did their own washing, cleaned up, etc. But now he’s at home he’s completely undone all the house rules I put in place and just does everything for them. it’s exasperating. They do at least keep their own room tidy.

I am fine with them not paying rent/board. I’m not fine with them working PT to facilitate their social lives (they’re not in education) and then expecting everything to be done for them.

I'd leave. No way would I put up with this.

I couldn't live like this.

Time to call a family meeting! They're all old enough to make sense of the feedback you're giving and you should talk to your husband beforehand to let him know what you want to discuss. Run it like a formal meeting, outline the points in turn that you want to make; discuss, agree and record actions including those that need further consideration as you won't necessarily get 100% agreement all in one go.
Set a date for a follow up meeting and set expectations that the current status quo has to change and everyone should be prepared to offer workable and fair suggestions to the current situation even if it involves rotas, job roles, whatever!
Failure to improve will involve sanctions and/or strike action!
Good luck.....

I would leave.

I don’t charge my adult DCs board. My parents didn’t charge me board and I have been in full time employment for over 30 years and am a fully functioning tax payer and paid up member of society.

OP, you talk about the DCs like they are strangers rather young adults you have helped to bring up since early childhood.

No but I wouldn’t bring up my kids to be so useless.