Would you live with adult DC who contribute nothing to the household?

[CrumpetBandit]

H has 3 adult DC who have lived with him/us full time their entire lives (now 22, 21 and 19). He works very PT (one day a week) and I work FT.

Younger 2 DC both work PT. Eldest doesn’t work (has epilepsy which is reasonably well managed but not risk free).

But they contribute NOTHING. They don’t pay rent or board. They don’t do housework. They’re out for every mealtime. They get up and make breakfast and just leave their pots on the side. They don’t even do their own washing - H does it all for them. In case of the eldest… H brings him breakfast in bed, every single morning. Makes his snacks if he’s going out. Cooks him meals when he’s home (separate to ours as he wouldn’t want to eat what we eat). Brings him drinks and snacks all day long - he literally does not lift a finger. Then leaves all his pots in his room for H to then clear up!

It goes completely against my morals and values to have 3 people in a house who contribute nothing at all, financially or physically, who don’t even do their own washing or clean up after themselves. AIBU to think H is completely batshit for thinking this is an acceptable set up?! Apparently we should be doing everything for them because “they’re our kids”. (They are my step DC.)

Genuinely thinking we are incompatible to the extent that I’d be much happier and less resentful living alone.

I hope they remain single and at home until they have sorted themselves out.

Sounds like they'd make horrendous flatmates and partners ☹️.

In my view ‘board’ is only acceptable in two circumstances:

1. The household is in huge financial difficulty and there is genuinely no other option (e.g. about to lose their house) or
2. The DC is earning a fortune and significantly more than their parents (e.g. well over £100k).

Otherwise, it’s totally unacceptable to charge DC to live in their own home.

DH is Spanish and he says it is absolutely unheard of for it to happen there. It would the the talk of the town and not in a good way.

This is antithetical to our core family values.

Since you can’t make the children move out given the family structure, I would seriously consider leaving yourself. I don’t think I could stand by and watch 3 young people flounder like that.

Gosh, in my view not charging board is only acceptable in certain circs:

• the DC is unable to work due to health or disability etc
• The DC is saving hard for a deposit, and contributes in other ways, and has at least a vague time line of when they'll move out

We do our adult kids no favours by keeping them dependant on mum and dad.

This may be a cultural response in my part, I am aware that in other cultures multi-generational living is the norm and there is not the same expectation for DC to move out and start their own lives. In the UK however I do think that is still the general expectation (or hope at least!)

I have DCs aged 21 and 23. Both are earning, but one is saving up to go travelling and the other has been saving to do a master's. After travelling and masters, I will be expecting they'll be living at home again and be saving for a deposit so that they can buy their own place one day. My sister has gifted her children house deposits, but I have no huge lump sum to give them. All I can give them is free board and lodging so they can afford a home one day. I feel it is my generation who has created this appalling situation, and we owe it to our kids to minimise the challenges they face.

Absolutely- life is miserable enough for young people in the UK. No prospect of ever buying a house. Rent is extortionate in many areas. Even going out for a few drinks is now unaffordable for many.

And to top it all off, they have to pay their parents to live in their own home. Bonkers!

Or, Bonkers that we don't equip our young people with the skills to live independently...

Sure I would if I had a housemaid to fall back on and share the burden of MY kids with. I'd have to find someone willing to sacrifice their comfort and happiness to cater to my sprogs though but sure that's doable.

That's neglect plain and simple.

I couldn't put up with this. You are right to feel.exasperated

Generally, if they're able-bodied and well, I'd expect a contribution (financially, even if only a token amount, and with household tasks).

However, I have a young adult (my child) in my home, who has a chronic illness. They can't leave their room much of the time, let alone work. Unsurprisingly they don't feel good about this - I have a very strong work ethic. Didn't help that their dad fucked off, so I've done my best to instil that they need to be capable of independent living (& finances) as I won't be around forever.

I have a chronic illness + disabilities and am really struggling - both with health and trying to sort everything for our family unit. I'd give a major body part for a partner like yours who would step up and care for their presumably unwell child.

Presuming all his children are able to leave their rooms, it may be worth pointing out it is in their best interests to be independent. It may feel nice (for him) to do stuff for them, but our job as parents is to ensure they can cope without us in the real world. Doing housework, even if it's just cleaning up after ourselves, is a basic skill if you live with others and when you have your own home. Contributing financially, again, is a good skill as it helps you learn to prioritise and budget.

When I left home I didn't know how to use a washing machine, and hated how that made me feel. My mum always insisted on doing it and it caused an awful row if I wanted to do it. I did everything else (as a child) when she had a prolonged stay in hospital eg cooking, cleaning, her work - but my sibling did the washing between their factory shifts. It was weird.

At some point he will either be dead or elderly. How would they cope with an abrupt/tapered stop? Does he plan to keep this up indefinitely? How will he feel if they take him for granted, and allow/expect partners to have the same treatment? Not suggesting you ask him those BTW.

If you don't need the money for bills etc, it might be worth suggesting what others on MN sometimes suggest: take the money, but put it aside/invest it, until they're ready to move out. Then they have either rent deposit, contribution to mortgage deposit, or furniture money.

Either way, it teaches financial responsibility.

My unwell child is about to apply for UC. They insist they want to contribute to the rent & bills I pay. I wish I could say no, but I need it to keep a roof over our heads, and us heated/fed.

Time to go

Can you and your husband move to another house?

I have a different take on it.. I have friends whose adult kids (like mine) do nothing at home, it’s all done by cleaners. They’re the most ambitious, focussed, pleasant people.. they would do chores if needed.. the problem is you DO need your dh’s to, and to compound the problem they’re not your kids which is a different thing. This won’t end well.

Err, or the DC could save or invest their own money 😬

I think you need to sit down with your husband and set all this out.

If he was to die suddenly they would barely be functioning adults and you should both be moving towards retirement and spending time together as an older couple, not with one of you running around after fully capable adults like this.

I think if he doesn't see it, you have your answer in that you can fully expect this to carry on until he is literally too old to do it.

What happens if the two of you go away?

My sister has gifted her children house deposits, but I have no huge lump sum to give them. All I can give them is free board and lodging so they can afford a home one day.

Love this. It’s a nice way to frame it.

That’s what my (single) mother did and one of my siblings lived with her until he was late 20s and bought a house with all the money he had saved.

He did prefer to cook his own food and do most of the cleaning /his laundry etc and helped out financially on an ad hoc basis, so it wasn’t as if he lived like a child.

I do get your DH behaviour, I dont agree, but I do understand because my DH is the same with his kids

I was lucky that I only had one step daughter come live with us during her teen years, because mother could no longer cope, and I set down rules - here's your Family allowance, its for you to buy your fashion, go out , save up, pay your phone etc. It was £64 every 4 weeks - for a 13 year old, we were paying her clothes, shoes etc that were needed, feeding her, packed lunches, school dinners, this was pocket money. Then I found dad was subbing her to the tune of £20 a week phone credit and giving her money for fags - where as I was wanting to teach her she couldn't afford to smoke, phone and have a social life

So all the bad behaviour that mum couldn't cope with carried on - dad was enabling because of his guilt about being the absent parent for so long

I actually did leave her father over it, stayed away living in a hostel on £24 a week till he wised up that his giving her the money she was carrying on with the behaviours that were causing everyone grief

She still taps us for money now in her 40's even though her family income is a lot greater then ours - he just gave the family their spending money for their holiday - a holiday we cant afford to take

She asks for a loan of £50 from me ( and forgets to pay back ) so she can have a night out, is a days pay for me ( I work 20 hrs a week ) and it doesn't cost her a thought

His son, who he never had a good relationship with, who he never coddled, decided to get up off his arse, went to college to get his exams , took himself off to OZ, and 13 years later has a Sydney waterside apartment, a house in Melbourne and travels the world business class. That lad had had to work and hustle his way ahead, hes now head hunted , and married to a leading KC in Sydney.