Would you live with adult DC who contribute nothing to the household?

[CrumpetBandit]

H has 3 adult DC who have lived with him/us full time their entire lives (now 22, 21 and 19). He works very PT (one day a week) and I work FT.

Younger 2 DC both work PT. Eldest doesn’t work (has epilepsy which is reasonably well managed but not risk free).

But they contribute NOTHING. They don’t pay rent or board. They don’t do housework. They’re out for every mealtime. They get up and make breakfast and just leave their pots on the side. They don’t even do their own washing - H does it all for them. In case of the eldest… H brings him breakfast in bed, every single morning. Makes his snacks if he’s going out. Cooks him meals when he’s home (separate to ours as he wouldn’t want to eat what we eat). Brings him drinks and snacks all day long - he literally does not lift a finger. Then leaves all his pots in his room for H to then clear up!

It goes completely against my morals and values to have 3 people in a house who contribute nothing at all, financially or physically, who don’t even do their own washing or clean up after themselves. AIBU to think H is completely batshit for thinking this is an acceptable set up?! Apparently we should be doing everything for them because “they’re our kids”. (They are my step DC.)

Genuinely thinking we are incompatible to the extent that I’d be much happier and less resentful living alone.

I mean I have an adult child living with me who doesn’t help much but she is disabled.

in your circumstances I wouldn’t be overly happy.

No. Any adult child that would live with me would do some combination of paying rent / doing chores.

And doing everything for them is setting them up for failure for the rest of their lives.

Are you paying for most things if you're the only one who does any reasonable amount of work? If so, no I wouldn't be happy with this. In my house I'm a single parent and I don't earn enough to support any adult who doesn't contribute and both my children know this. Students, yes, but not otherwise.

Not for me. He's enabling their behaviour.

Im sorry to say it but DH sounds like an absolute wimp.
I don’t think I could have much respect for someone who was so totally prepared to roll over and pander to these overgrown babies. What an absolute turn off 🤮

see when you say adult, I assume someone in their 30s. But at 19 and 21 my DC will be still in the last year of school and most probably in second year of university. I assume the eldest in university will have a part-time job well I expect her to contribute?…no… because I will more than likely be putting her through university. So it’s not a one size fits all situation I suppose. Now if she wasn’t in university and she had a full-time job…I wouldn’t charge her but I would expect her to be saving quite a bit.

our 3 are adults now, 1 still at home, but we brought them up to do jobs around the house (washing up, etc) to earn pocket money before they were old enough to earn their own. Once they had a decent job (even pt, but not whilst at school-type) they paid a contribution towards the household, which varied according to how much they were earning at the time. They never complained, as we instilled it right from the start.

Absolutely this!
Yoh need to help them grow into independent adults or they will live with you forever!
DH needs to stop with the food delivery service for the eldest immediately. He is harming their medium to long term life chances by continuing to treat them as children when they no longer are.

They will never leave home. This is the standard to which they have become accustomed - how are they going to find partners if they expect breakfast in bed every day and everything done for them? Who, in their right mind, wants a partner who doesn't lift a finger because they've always had their dad do it all for them?

You could try this approach, OP. But I suspect he's buying their love and there's not really any way around that because he will sabotage any attempt you make to get the kids independent. I'd move out, leave the house to them, carry on seeing your DH but let him suffer the consequences of infantilising his kids on his own.

This is a hy co-habitation sucks for a lot of people, and I don't see why everyone is in a rush to do it.

Because I have to say, I think H is perfectly entitled to do things for his kids if he wants to. He is very PT - perhaps be gets bored at home and enjoys doing the housework. Perhaps he likes spoiling them. Perhaps he is aware of MH struggles they have that make some things difficult, that they may only have spoken to him about ..... The point is, he doesn't really need to justify it in my opinion. What he is doing is not abuseive, it's just a parenting/lifestyle choice. A lot of peope pander to their partners like this, I've done it myself in the past - and nobody bats much of any eyelid. So it's not suddenly morally evil to mollycoddle your grown up kids.

However, equally I can see why it totally does you head in to love like this OP - it would mine too.

Is it financially possible for you and your H to live separately? I don't mean split up (providing you love him). Just separate homes, leave him to it with his kids, see each other just some nights a week and have quality time together on those?

In the strongest relationship I have ever seen, the couple still have separate homes about twenty years in. I just think it works. It gives space for everyone to be themselves and do their own thing.

Is his intention to stop them launching? It is painful when children fly the nest and I know family who have coddled their adult children to avoid having to deal with them leaving.

Your DH needs a hobby. It's all well and good only needing to work one day a week and be a high earner but he needs something to occupy his time, energy and mind and no, grown up adults shouldn't be it.

It's as if his sole purpose and focus in life is his adult children.

This didn't happen overnight. Even if your DH changed when your work patterns change, you must have seen this pattern emerging? I'm just wondering how it got so extreme.

I couldn't tolerate this. My adult son is ND and has struggled. He dropped out of uni, moved back home and couldn't find work for nearly a year. His preference at that time would have been to regress back to childhood and stay in bed, have food cooked for him, spend what little money he had on himself... There was no way that was happening! We forced him out of bed, forced him to cook and clean for himself as well as us, charged him a small amount of board and made clear the expectations in this house is that all the grown-ups contribute - including newly fledged grown ups!

It was really really hard. It took a lot of patience and energy but we did it with love (mostly!) and an attitude that we trusted he could meet these new expectations. DS has moved out now, has a job, pays all of his bills independently and I'm so proud. I'm also really happy now to buy him 'treats' such as better quality cookware or bedding than he could afford, or treat him to meals out etc.

Your DH is actively harming his kids and his relationship with you

It's totally unacceptable. You need to have an honest talk with DH. They are not living in the real world and need to be self-sufficient. They really need full time jobs and be encouraged to save up to either rent or buy their own places. Also, maybe the two of you go away for a week and leave the DC to it, but say there will be hell to pay if you come back to a mess.

It sounds like your DH doesn’t want them to ever leave. I can’t see this situation changing anytime soon. All 3 should be working and contributing in the house, and financially really once they’ve hit 21 imo. But it doesn’t sound like your husband will change so I suppose you either have to deal with it or leave.

He’s not doing them/potential partners any favours by doing everything for them. It’s not real life-Disney dad?! They need to pull their weight.

The money side - if they are in education/uni then no I won't be asking my kids to contribute. DS1 is about to go and we will need to top up his money for living. DD is 17 and has had a part time job since she was 14. Once they have left education though we will expect them to get full time jobs. I don't mind if they live with us to help save up - we can't afford to give them a big lump sum towards a house deposit but we can give them a room to enable them to save up themselves.
If you can afford to pay mortgage/bills etc without any input from them then I don;t think that is so bad - I have heard that people 'take' rent from thier adult kids and save it for them towards a house deposit etc - I think this is a great idea as it gets them used to paying out for rent/mortage.

The chores side of things is unacceptable though. mine are all teenagers so still in school and they have always had to do some chores - lay the table, empty the dishwasher, do the recycling etc. They are not chained to the scullery like poor cinderellas but they are all expected to help keep the house clean and tidy ie thier own mess put away and take thier dishes into the kitchen etc. They all cook - DD more often, as she enjoys it, but even the 14-year-old will cook his own lunch and help cook dinner occasionally.
As parens it is our job to equip our kids with the skills they need to be fully functioning adults and yes, sometimes that is making them do things they don't want to do! I don't like scrubbing the bathrooms but it is something you have to do.

How do you feel towards the children?
There is something odd about the tone of this post. You have known them since they were babies. But you don’t appear to feel very close to them or perhaps I am misreading things? With so many years together and no involved bio mum, do you not see them as your children too?

Unbelievable.
Unimaginable that someone would accept this.

Absolutely not. Put brutally, if your husband wasn't here, how would these adults look after themselves? Your husband is failing them massively. They need to get proper jobs, move out and fend for themselves. If they do stay at home, they have to pay rent AND do their share of household chores. I mean, it's so obvious.....

I picked up on this as well. Why didn’t you decide the parenting style together with your husband? Why can’t you tell him this is not acceptable and start telling your children to do chores?

Many parents (including me) believe that it is totally unacceptable to charge DC ‘board’ to stay in their own home. So your partner isn’t unusual in that regard.

They are not Our Kids they are young adults. I was raised somewhat like this . And honestly not a helpful way. I had no life skills until I left home , couldn't budget and took so much for granted . My siblings were the same. One brother didn't have a FT job , flat until he was on his 30s . The other married and I know his partner struggled with his uselessness although he was a kind caring person . Tell DH he is doing them no favours and hugely neglecting a duty to bring up full functioning adults. I suspect he does this to make himself feel better but that is quite selfish of him.

No I wouldn't. My unemployed SD lived with us from about 19-22 and it was a nightmare; I massively resented working my arse off to fund a lazy, entitled adult. I lost the plot in the end and more or less kicked her out. I actually did her a favour because it forced her to get a job and sort her life out but she doesn't see it that way! 😂

Really? Forever? So, say you have a 28 year old living with you comfortably, no sign of ever wanting to move out, you'd just sit with that and let them carry on?

I charged my DS board at a much much lower rate than it actually cost to keep him. I charged him because, quite frankly, he wasn't going to learn otherwise. Nothing is free in this world, no one owes you a living, you need to be able to provide for yourself. These are such valuable lessons and we aren't born knowing it! Like so many life skills it has to be taught. It's our jobs as parents to teach our kids to be financially independent and able to cope with the basics of looking after themselves