To ask if you'd walk at 35 after 2 years and no engagement on the horizon?

[Mooooooove]

If marriage and kids were important to you, you'd asked them and after 2 years they weren't ready? You're 35, do you think 2 years is too soon to get engaged?

Also assuming you lived together.

Are we talking about Taylor Swift?

Nope it's just pure coincidence that she's that age 😂

Yeah I'd walk girl

Agree with pp, has Taylor inspired this introspection? xx

If you want children then yes. He could be dangling the carrot until you don’t have time left.

Have you told him you're getting married asked him to marry you?

Not after 2 years, no. You can get married at any age. Personally, 2 years wouldn't be long enough for me to choose the father of my children.

I probably try for the child before the marriage in all honesty. If a child is important to you.

Have you discussed it with him? Or are you waiting for a proposal out of the blue?

Does he want marriage and children too? Time to have a discussion about what your values are and see if they align properly (if you haven’t already done so) Two years might sound a short time to some but it’s not really. The old adage of ‘when you know, you know’ rings very true. If you don’t know then you’re probably not ready- that applies for yourself or him. I hope you find the happy ending you’re dreaming of and for him too. Whether that’s together or otherwise.

Have you had an open and honest conversation?
If you want kids, then I wouldn't be having them without the marriage. I did have kids without the marriage and we have now split, it has dramatically impacts my earning potential as the mother. Also, if he is living with you and has kids with you there is no need for him to marry you. I say that speaking from my mistakes.
If in 2 years yoh have lived together, then he was happy to have that commitment, he should now be able to have a conversation about marriage. If he doesn't show a commitment to the conversation then get out. He won't change, don't think you can change him, focus on yourself and having the kids you want.
If he is open in the marriage conversation discuss timelines, especially given the biologic clock that is likely bugging you. If he can see that this is important to you, and he is a good, caring person who loves you, it will matter to him. Not necessarily to follow what you want. But to talk about it, share suggestions, reach a compromise. If he doesn't... you have your answer and prioritise your needs.

I wouldn’t necessarily walk straight away but I’d just be honest and say that if he’s not on the same time scale as you that’s fine, but due to your age you’ll need to go and pursue other options at some point in the near future. Then maybe agree to review in a few months and if he’s still “not ready” then move on.

I did this with my now DH after a couple of years (1 year dating then 1 year living together) and I think he just needed the nudge and the risk of losing me to bite the bullet. He proposed a few months after that conversation and we’ve been happily married with kids for years now.

I’ll give a different response.

i have a LT partner of decades, we are not married and were together so young the whole who wants kids question didn’t pop up early days.

Marriage isn’t important to me, I’ll never get married. I’m a high earner with zero financial need of a partner (we have DC together, house together and everything but).

Even with that background, in your shoes and benefit of hindsight I would walk. It’s what you want. 35 is not 18 or even 25 to think about commitment. I speak from some experience of life that resentment of having choices removed from you is hard to move beyond.

Yes I would. I’d certainly move out. Living together gives men everything they like about marriage (sex, companionship, cleaning, shared bills) and nothing they don’t (losing half their money to divorce).

Living together feels like you’re taking a step towards marriage but often it’s a step back.

I definitely wouldn’t try for a baby as someone said earlier.

I'd be having a long hard think of my own priorities and what is most important to me, first and foremost. What would I regret if it didn't happen?

Is it marriage?
Is it having kids?
Is it being with him?

Oh lordy no.

There seems to be an endless amount of women on MN for whom marriage is important, yet they've given the bloke everything marriage brings - a house, kids and all the security that comes with a settled relationship and he's still dragging his feet or point blank refusing.

But they don't want to leave because 'he's a great dad'.

So I wouldn't recommend doing that at all.

I agree with this. Assuming you love each other and have a good relationship?

Why wait? If you walk you’d have to get over the heartbreak and try and meet someone else. Again, this is on the premise that you have a healthy happy relationship.

Does he see that it's not fair or reasonable to keep a 35 year old woman waiting? I would ensure he has understood the problem but then walk if no change. I got pregnant within a week at 36, secondary infertility by the time I tried for the next. It's a risk. You could go and get your fertility checked in the meantime?

So decades ago people got engaged after a few months not years. Some marriages worked. Sone didn’t. Same as now really. The only reason not to get engaged is because you don’t want to marry that person. If that’s the case at 35 after 2 years it will still be the case at 36, 37 and 38.
cut your losses

Or even freeze embryos (higher success rate than eggs) or eggs. But that's a lot to go through with a partner you're already living with and known for 2 years.

Is he the same age?

The way I see it is, if they see a life with you, marriage and kids are what they want, this would be clear from early on and two years would be a normal time to put this in place. You are an age where time is short biologically, but you have time to find someone else. I wouldn’t be messing around.

Yes I would walk. At 35 your fertility window is closing, yes some women have kids in their 40s with no issues but no one knows how easily they are going to get pregnant. Stop wasting your time and move on.

If you do leave I would definitely freeze eggs. 35 year old eggs substantially better than 37-38 year old eggs.

Have you had an actual open and honest conversation about what both of you want and how both of you feel? I don't think you have otherwise you wouldn't be asking this questions.

Assuming you're a woman, I think you've got yourself into a real pickle. You have to take control of your life and your future family and your fertility. You can't leave it up to "romance" and the whims of someone else. You're the only one who'll pay the price if it doesn't end the way you want it to.

So did you move in with them not knowing if marriage and kids were important to them? Or did they say they were, and have now changed their mind?