To ask if you'd walk at 35 after 2 years and no engagement on the horizon?

[Mooooooove]

If marriage and kids were important to you, you'd asked them and after 2 years they weren't ready? You're 35, do you think 2 years is too soon to get engaged?

You’ve asked him and he’s said no? Not ever or not now? What have you actually talked about?

Yes, I would 100% walk. I was in a long term relationship for nearly 5 years and he was always "hmmmm i'm not ready" so we broke up. I met my DH a year later and I was always clear in my mind that I didn't have enough time to fanny about for 5 years again so I set a 2 year time limit. I established pretty much straight away that I was looking for a husband and wanted kids and I think DH was in a similar position. He proposed after about a year and a half. Married now for 15 years, 3 dc.

Interestingly, my ex got married at around the same time I did. Our first children share the same birthday... which told me that "hmmmm I'm not ready" actually meant "hmmmm not with you."

I also would not have kids with someone who was not prepared to marry me, unless single parenting is appealing to you. Marriage is the easy bit compared to raising kids together.

Before I did anything drastic I would certainly want to sit down & do some straight talking, rather than just waiting for him to make a decision. If you & him want different things, you need to know about it asap so you can make decisions about your future.

Depends on what he has said when you have discussed it with him. If he doesn't want what you want, then you'll have to walk away.

Met my DH at 32, moved in with him at 36, married at 38, baby at 41, still very happily married. But I didn't need a ring though it was nice to have one. He was however always pro kids and I would have walked in my mid 30s if he hadn't been.

I think I'd want to sit down and have an honest conversation about what timeline you're each envisioning and where that's not overlapping and why. I think you do need to be very direct at 35 if you want to have kids absolutely and I would not be sticking around if he was being vague etc. I think you need to set a time frame you're willing to sink into this in your head (eg I'll give this 6 more months and then leave) , then go to him ask what his envisioned time frame for life goals is, explain what yours is (ie. Engaged in the next 6 months/ married when/ kids when) and then you need to decide if you're going to wait it out or if he's stringing you along.

Personally I think if someone didn't know they wanted to marry me after 2 years I'd be quite hurt by that. Having kids is one thing as that's a big life time decision you can't divorce out of, but after two years he knows you well and either he's in or out. And at 35 he needs to be giving it serious consideration. Too many men are like Peter pan and only grow up when they lose something good unfortunately.

Definitely not too soon. I would walk.

Remember the saying "If he wanted to (propose), he would have".

Yes. I would also look into freezing your eggs and/ or a sperm donor. Not saying these are right for you but it’s important to know your options.

Yes. Assuming you’ve discussed your position. As to the suggestion of having a child without marriage, that’s a mighty big compromise. It clearly worked for the PP, but if marriage is important to you that has to be something you’d have be prepared to forego.

Two major considerations:

1. would a marriage last if you subsequently couldn’t have children
2. What’s in it for him if you have a child to then marry you

What’s your priority?

him
baby
wedding
something else?

I never understand this mindset. If you fall in love with someone you fall in love with them, not what they could or could not offer them. You can't leave them based on your children who are not yet born if you love them, what if they have a low sperm count?

It suggests you love the idea of a wedding, not a marriage and you love the idea of children, not starting a family with them. If you're willing to move on just to start a family, you don't love them enough in the first place.

The litmus test is asking someone to marry you without a wedding of more than 2 witnesses, shows what their priorities are

2 years? 1 would be enough for me. I would walk.

If him- stay with him and it plays out how it plays out
If baby then 2 options- have a baby with him unmarried or go it alone. Both have risks.
If marriage- put a time limit on his proposing, tell him you’d like to get engaged in 6 months. If it doesn’t happen walk and start dating again with marriage in mind.

Absolutely.
Wasting your time.
No way would I be compromising marriage on either pre children.
I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't want the same thing.
Living together open ended if you want marriage is a waste of your time.

He knows but this suits him for now.
Don't be used.

Ultimatum - either they agree to start trying for a baby or propose/ become engaged within the next 3 months or you will walk as they are non negotiable.

This is super idealistic though? Look at how many women come through here saying they've been strung along until they're in their 40s and then couldn't get pregnant? It's one thing to both be on the same page and realise infertility is an issue, it's another for one party to waste the others fertile years hmming and haaaing.

It's OK for op to be clear on what her goals in life are. Either her partner is aligned on those goals or they aren't, but sitting on the fence and just riding time out to avoid a commitment isn't okay.

Why would anyone have a baby with a man who didn’t like them enough to marry them? Sod that.

I don’t think we know enough op- if you’ve been talking about marriage and kids the whole two years maybe he’s trying to figure out if you live him or are ticking a box. If you’ve never mentioned it maybe he just hasn’t thought of it, not they he doesn’t love you but he just hasn’t thought about it as he’s happy with you as you both are.

Because not everyone thinks marriage is important or wants to get married. Plenty of people have a child with their partner and never marry, and they're perfectly happy. Probably more happy than many people who rushed into marriage very quickly.

What an insane comment.

Rather than have a conversation about the future of the relationship and discuss what they both want, you suggest OP dumps the person they've been with for two years and then hopes they can find someone else to date instead.

I'd walk

He's just not that into you if he's not marrying you

At 35 you don't have time to waste on Mr Indecision or his nasty pal Mr Dangle the Carrot

He’s not compelled to marry you. No one should get married just to please or appease a partner. On this significant topic you’re incompatible
If he declines marriage you’ve got some decisions to make
Stay, no change, do nothing
Leave. Marry someone else have child with them

A good bloke who knows his gf is 35, wants kids, wants them with you, would be suggesting you get cracking on kids because he wouldn't want to run out of time.

If he's not, he's either not wanting that or he's too thoughtless to think it through.

I'd move on. You should be on the same page after two years together.

I’d tell him that marriage and children were important to me and ask if there was anything he wanted to say to me before I moved out and found someone who wanted to marry me and have children with me. Something definitive. Not just a ‘don’t rush me, I’ll propose next year and we’ll talk about kids the year after that’ but ‘I’ve been an idiot, I don’t want to lose you, let’s book a date next month and start trying for a baby immediately’.

If it’s anything less than the second sentence, then you need to walk away, because if he isn’t thinking about the future after two years together, then he’s using you as a place holder. And you deserve more than that.

ETA I’d give him the chance to answer that question because if you feel lonely and start doubting your decision and wondering whether you’ve made a terrible mistake and all you’d had to do was wait another year, his response will be enough to remind you that it never would have happened.