Friend said she can see I've gained weight

[SatOnaHotTinRoof]

I was out with a friend the other night and, at the end of our time together, as I got up to leave, she said that she could see I have put on weight. Just out of the blue. We hadn't discussed weight issues, hadn't said a word about trying to lose weight, which we would both like to do. She had bumped into me a few weeks ago and I wondered if I seemed to have gained weight since then, but she said no. She did apologise eventually, but I can't stop thinking about it. I need to get it out of my head, but I keep wondering why she said it. I guess I will never know, but I keep thinking that she wanted me to feel bad about myself. And I had been feeling so good about myself that day and comfortable with what I was wearing etc.

When I initially asked her what made her say it her response was that it was the truth and she said that I must have an issue with my weight if her question upset me. I guess I do have an issue with my weight, but I think i have more of an issue with so-called "friends" who do this kind of thing and expect you just to accept it. She then did the classic thing of saying that it is unhealthy to be overweight. I told her that I had just had blood tests from my GP and that he said they were fine. She is about the same size as me and hasn't had tests from her GP.

I am a couple of stones overweight and am size 12 (which I guess appears more like a 14 when you are short like me).

Am I being unreasonable to think that she was out of order to comment on my weight like that?

But have you gained weight?
Big difference between being blunt and making something up just to hurt you.

I would stop seeing this friend.

The only time I think it’s acceptable to comment on the way someone looks is if you’re complimenting them. Weight is an awful thing to comment on to anybody. I’ve found that people who do that are usually very insecure about their own weight and are projecting. I’d have said to her: thanks! I feel very beautiful at this weight! Then not seen her again.

It’s either a thought that’s come tumbling out her mouth before she’s managed to stop it and has doubled down to avoid embarrassment, or she purposely chose a comment that she thought would quickly deflate you and chip away at your self-esteem.

As she seemed to take delight in it, my money is on the latter. The fact that she never once mentioned you being slim when she talked about others in that way would suggest jealousy, a preoccupation with her and others weight and low self-esteem.

I don’t think this is a friendship I’d want to continue.

She probably noticed that you felt good about yourself. She was jealous and wanted to take you down.

I haven't gained weight since the last time I saw her and she admitted that. Perhaps what she meant was that the last few times she saw me she couldn't see my weight gain because of how I was dressed, but that she could see it in the outfit I was wearing that day? In any case, all your comments have helped to make me less preoccupied with it.

So say it to her. If she’s the same size as you what the hell?!

I have no problem talking about my weight when it is appropriate to do so. I am not in denial about how much I weigh because I weigh myself. I have seen pictures of what I look like.

But I sense that my friend wasn't after the kind of conversation that you refer to. I really don't. I pick up that there was a negative intention behind her words and that is the issue. That is why I was so weirded out.

Ever since being around her I have started to feel self conscious in a way that isn't helpful. Despite your insistence on fat people needing a harsh reminder of their weight, I find that this kind of self consciousness is not conducive to weight loss. In fact it makes me want to overeat.

I am trying to get back to how I felt before because I think it is important to practice self acceptance while losing weight; weight loss takes time if done in a healthy way. I am not going to lose two stones overnight and in the meantime I have to accept and love myself as I am.