Friend said she can see I've gained weight

[SatOnaHotTinRoof]

I was out with a friend the other night and, at the end of our time together, as I got up to leave, she said that she could see I have put on weight. Just out of the blue. We hadn't discussed weight issues, hadn't said a word about trying to lose weight, which we would both like to do. She had bumped into me a few weeks ago and I wondered if I seemed to have gained weight since then, but she said no. She did apologise eventually, but I can't stop thinking about it. I need to get it out of my head, but I keep wondering why she said it. I guess I will never know, but I keep thinking that she wanted me to feel bad about myself. And I had been feeling so good about myself that day and comfortable with what I was wearing etc.

When I initially asked her what made her say it her response was that it was the truth and she said that I must have an issue with my weight if her question upset me. I guess I do have an issue with my weight, but I think i have more of an issue with so-called "friends" who do this kind of thing and expect you just to accept it. She then did the classic thing of saying that it is unhealthy to be overweight. I told her that I had just had blood tests from my GP and that he said they were fine. She is about the same size as me and hasn't had tests from her GP.

I am a couple of stones overweight and am size 12 (which I guess appears more like a 14 when you are short like me).

Am I being unreasonable to think that she was out of order to comment on my weight like that?

Your friend is a rude cunt. Feel free to tell her this. It is, afterall, the truth.

No I wouldn't like that OP and the way she said it seems weird to me

Only it’s not true. The OP says she hasn’t gained weight. And they weren’t being asked. They volunteered a false piece of information which cannot be for any reason other than to upset.

I couldn’t have said it better myself 😈😇😂

I haven't gained weight since the last time she saw me. She made the comment at a random moment. Totally unrelated to anything we were talking about.

But the OP isn’t piling on the beef as you so charmingly put it. The ‘friend’ even admitted the OP looked the same as a few months back. They both know they have a couple of stone to lose so there was no reasonable explanation for the friend suddenly saying what she said other than to make the OP feel bad.

OP you should just point out she is actually slightly bigger than you so she knows what it’s like to work at weight loss (head tilt…smile.)

What a horrible, horrible friend. She clearly has an issue with weight and was projecting it onto you.

This might come across as quite tacky, so please forgive me if it lands badly. I've just had a recent weightloss/'glow up' and it has brought the weird out in some people! You say you want to lose weight, and I have a little gem brewing in my brain.

Without mentioning anything, start your weightloss, brillification plan and every time you feel tempted to go off track, to overindulge, to skip a walk, to give in to a sugar craving..

Think of her.

In a few months time, enough time to get to target, meet up with her. Turn up with your maximum style. Get your hair done. A spray tan, nails done. Get a new outfit to show off your new figure.

Then tell her, 'I just want to thank you for the wake up call. You were right. I went home and thought about what you said and realised that yes I did need to lose weight. Because of your comment, I've lost x stone and have never felt better! Thank you!'

Then sashay off and fade out your friendship with her.

When I was 19, I was clinically obese and a car full of boys drove past as I walk to the shop, and shouted out the window "look at the size of that arse!". I went home and cried and cried and honestly the next day, I was like right! That's it! I lost stones and stones of weight and kept it off mostly, until I had kids. Now ive finished having babies, I decided to reclaim my figure. Roughly 20 years after thos boys prompted me to lose 4.5 stone, and I'm now back to a size 8 again and I will tell you that it was psychological tricks and motivations like that, that kept me going!

Use her comment to do something great for yourself (if that's what you want). I can't think of a more satisfying way to respond to someone's unkindness.

This happened to me. I ran into an acquaintance (we're not really friends although I have known her a long time). After a couple of minutes of small talk, she stepped back, looked me up and down and said loudly "My, you HAVE put weight on!" I looked down at my not remotely overweight figure, shook my head and said ruefully, "I know. Every time I fuck your husband he gives me a slice of cake."

Bloody hell op is she normally such a cow?

Oh no you didn’t! 😂🤣

Why do you think your friend wants to upset you? It's a strange thing to expect a friend to be motivated to do. I can't see the point being a friend in these circumstances. Has she said things to hurt you before?

If a friend of mine said something like this I would immediately think it was with good intentions where as it's sparked the opposite in you which makes me wander why.

Yeah she's rude

I don't think it's too bad for a friend to say something like like this. Can be a wake-upp call. Acquaintances - absolutely not. Didn't like the later addition of gleeful look though. That makes it sound her intentions were not good. Without that I had assumed she wanted you to look your best and hence told you so I thought YABU. Surprised that so many on here think what your friend said was terrible before you mentioned the gleeful expression.

Of course she said that, not true though!!

Telling someone they put on weight shows a lack of social skills. You don’t have to justify your weight, your feelings or how she made you feel back to her. She sounds like she is getting off on it. I’d shut that down fast. I would re-think the friendship.

I know I have put on a stone and a half since having a baby. I am at my heaviest which is really hard as I used to be fit pre-baby. As if I am not aware of it! So far no one has said anything (as everyone else around me is also busy gaining weight!).

A couple of people on here have said that it wouldn't bother them for a friend to say what she did and before this happened I would have said the same thing. I know that I am overweight and someone mentioning it would not have bothered me. But there was something really weird about the way she brought it up. Just as we were parting company, and totally unrelated to anything that we had talked about that afternoon. Several months before I had mentioned in a phone call that I wanted to lose weight (in response to her saying that she was trying to lose weight). Since that phone call she has actually seen me 3 times. So, I was wondering if I had gained weight since the last time she actually saw me. She confirmed that I haven't. So, what she said is very weird.

I guess she meant that I have gained weight compared to where I was a few years ago, when I was very slim, but during that time I have been a carer and have been bereaved, and resorted to comfort eating - which she knows.

I wish I could let it go, but I think that what's going on in my head is that I realise that I don't want to confide in her anymore because I realise that she is not the person to do that with. She is the kind of person who can never give a compliment. That's not what I seek in a friendship. If I was slim she would probably pick on something else.

It's also interesting that when I was slim she would never mention it. She would talk about other people being "nice and slim" but never say it of me (I was a size 8).

O dear, the green-eyed monster is probably to blame here...I bet you looked lovely and she wanted to pop your balloon. 🤗

I am interested in this comment, Suki. So, did you know deep down that you were gaining weight but just weren't ready to face it? is that why you would avoid photos?

The day after her comment I went out with a couple of other friends who took pictures of our event. At first I was reluctant to look at them because I feared I would look awful. But when I did look it was fine. I really look ok.

Suki, your post implies that you are in a different place these days. Can you say a bit more about where you are at now? Have you now faced up to being overweight? Are you losing weight?

Absolute nonsense. The photos you deleted were telling you this and you didn't want to hear it. Your friends raising your weight would have been no better received. The idea that people gaining weight don't know and need to be told is frankly ridiculous.

So she’s always been overweight? Even when you were a size 8?

You start realising patterns of behaviour in others then you think back and realise it’s something they’ve always done. It changes how you feel about them doesn’t it.

we want to celebrate our friends. Not drag them down to make ourselves feel better.

Yes.

Is she from a culture where it’s acceptable to make such comments? When I was in China they seemed obsessed with talking about their weight, not eating and not gaining weight.

No.

When I asked her if she would say it to other people she said she wouldn't. But that she said it to me because she knows me (she doesn't have many other friends)