FIL called me uptight for refusing to drive DC without a car seat

[getoutofmyhead]

We’re on holiday in France at my in-laws house. Yesterday FIL called me uptight because I refused to drive my 5yo to the beach without her car seat. His bright idea was to stick her on a cushion with the seatbelt. 🙄

Obviously a total non-negotiable for me, she doesn’t travel without a proper seat. Since then FIL hasn’t spoken to me despite me smiling out a big « bonjour » at breakfast, DH has now fallen out with him too, and the whole atmosphere is vile.

I’ve kept my head down because I’ll probably say something I regret, but I’m at the point of booking a nearby Airbnb just to save the holiday.

AIBU to think this whole thing is utterly ridiculous?

I agree.

My Dad (in his late 70’s now) used to make a big fuss about me insisting on using car seats for my DC when they were small, implying that I was a neurotic mother.

I just used to smile and ignore him. I suggest you do that to get through it, and never go on holiday with him again.

Personally I’d rather my child is bored and survives and major accident without injury.

FYI he can see out the window rear facing, and has a mirror (mainly so I can keep an eye on him) but he can see out the front too.
Forward facing he’d see the back of the seat, only real difference, so not sure why that’s better 😅

I’ll keep my child rear facing until he outgrows his car seat thanks!
currently 5 yo and got at least another year in it

OP - stick to your guns, even if FIL disagrees doesn’t give him right to be like that.

We had this issue with PIL - 20 years ago. But no one called us uptight, even if they thought it. I let DH deal with it and it was not raised again.

Sounds to me like alternative accommodation would be a good idea.

What an absolute man-child! Does he have form for this... I think some older men of this age find confident younger women really uncomfortable, they're used to telling them what to do and being the man of the house. My FiL is the same and tells uncomfortable stories about "the girls" from the typing pool at work and how he "trained" his wife well not to answer back. He hates me correcting him or choosing another option and does a lot of passive aggressive muttering when I do something he disagrees with.
You're totally right, but also, even if you're not, it's YOUR child, you decide everything. You could have said "we can't go to the beach without his blow up unicorn having a crown today" and whilst Fil can think you're ridiculous he can't dictate what you do with your children. He just hates that you've stood up to him and gone against his wishes and that you have autonomy and he cant boss you about. Let your husband decide what he wants to do, you don't want (I imagine) this to become a big family fued and if you leave I imagine it might fracture the relationship for longer. Equally, if your husband thinks this will last all holiday, and feels like you and he should go then go. Maybe he does this a lot and calms down by tomorrow/24 hrs, your dh will know because he will I suspect, do this all the time. Never ever sign up for a holiday again with them, or spend too much time with them either tbh, he'll always want it to be his way and expect he can bully everyone to his perspective. He won't change. Strongly suspect he's expecting you to apologise right now, absolutely don't, he can fuxk off.

Book other accommodation and enjoy the rest of your holiday OP!

He wanted his grandchild to ride without a car seat on an hour long journey!! And now has the audacity to create a horrible atmosphere for everyone on the holiday because the parents didn't fancy putting their child at huge risk
He was being very awful.

Presumably mil took the car seat by accident, but wanted you all to join her, so fil isn’t opposed to car seats but wanted you all to still join mil and not make mil have to come back with car seat.

he was rude to call you uptight. I bet he was cross with mil for making the mistake and redirected anger at you.

he def owes you an apology,but in your shoes I’d be the bigger person for now then never go there for more than 2 nights ever again!

I think this is hugely uptight? She's not a baby.

Happily most people on here disagree.

Trains and busses are driven by professionals with an additional category on their licences.

OP

There is an age gap in my family so I'm 16 or 17 years older than cousins on one side. My mother, 'didn't see the point' of car seats for my younger cousins and suggested the cushion thing, which is actually worse than just an adult seatbelt.

Even then I knew she was wrong.

The safety of your child should be, and for you clearly is, safety.
Show him this. This is what happens to a child sitting on a booster seat, not a cushion. Don't worry it is crash test dummies not real.

He is foolish. But heck uptight is hardly the insult of the year. Why did you not smile, say “ yes I am British. But hey I hear the French police are uptight too and I don’t want to risk you getting a fine” and laugh kindly.

He doesn't get to call you names.
Misogynistic twat.
If there is any pattern, do not go on holiday again with them.
Easy solution.
I certainly wouldn't tolerate him thinking he gets to cal you names.
Rude and completely unacceptable.
Tell your husband to put him straight or you will.

Your safety choices are NOTHING to do with him.

Hi FIL!

It’s not uptight to want a five year old child in a car seat in an hour long journey, when legally children have to be in a car seat until age 10.

If safety was your first concern, you shouldn't put your child in a car at all, because that is the source of danger.

Which bit wasn’t his fault? The part where he turned to his dil and called her uptight? Are you confusing him with the 5yo??

I regard adults as responsible for what they say, and that was an unacceptable comment. I’d move to an Airbnb once the car seat is back.

The OP said ‘Bonjour’ not the FIL

Is there a language barrier? "Uptight" may not mean the same thing to him as it does to you or anyone else. But either way, it's up to you and your husband ONLY to decide what's an acceptable risk for your child and no way is FIL's compromise reasonable for a one hour drive. If he really is still angry enough to be giving you the silent treatment I assume it's because he missed his beach trip because you wouldn't;t cut corners - but why didn't he just go to the beach without the three of you if MIL was already there?

“Only been a legal requirment since 2006”thats nearly 20 years! Has he been living under a rock? 🤷‍♀️

OP doesn’t have to explain herself to anyone. She’s the parent. FIL is not. No justification required.

To call her uptight is rude and disrespectful. If FIL wants to look up the law for himself I’m sure he is perfectly capable of doing that himself instead of insulting his DIL.

Let’s not blame the OP here for just doing what’s right for her kids.

Doesn't the MIL deserve any blame for taking the car with the car seat? She could've removed it before she left so it was available.

The problem is most of the people on Mumsnet will have read and hear lots of information on the risks of not using child seats.

Someone who hasn’t had a child travelling in their car since the 80s and 90s and hasn’t been bombarded with this information would probably think you are being uptight.

Obviously you did the right thing by refusing the offer of a lift in a car with no child seats. But may be you could try being a bit more understanding of your father in law and why he might have thought you were being dramatic?

Also is French his first language? If so is it possible that he didn’t fully appreciate that ‘uptight’ can be quite insulting?

Why did mil go without you all on the first place? And you hired 2 cars?

On the brightside FIL has given you a good reason to NEVER holiday with your in-laws again, so that’s saved you lots of shitty holidays 👍

Did you deliberately miss the point there so you could have a rant? 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

They would not have been a legal requirement when his kids were young which was probably the last time he had to think about transporting small children in cars. Most people don't keep up to date with laws that don't concern them.

I’m not missing any point.
You are making excuses for his behaviour.
If he doesn’t know the laws he can update himself without being rude to his DIL in the process.

I don’t think that’s the point.