Ex's gf buying DD back to school uniform

[Holibobby]

I messaged ex asking if he would buy my DDs school uniform as our car broke this week so Im without a car all week. He said yes. When DD returned home this morning she said you dont need to get my uniform now, dads gf has bought me it all, shoes, skirts, top etc.

AIBU to feel hurt by this? If he couldn't go and get it surely he could have told me and i would have asked relative or friend to take us to go get it. He was very controlling when we were together and I think he gets a kick out of this sort of thing. I don't have a problem with the woman as uunderstand she's just being nice, but still i feel its overstepping my toes.

Im not sure if i should say something to him.

Well I'd be a bit pissed off he'd delegated the task to his GF tbh.
Clearly he's put in zero effort but hopefully he did actually pay!
I can see why you are a bit upset as it could be seen a mother and daughter thing or at least a parent and child thing. So it is a bit different if his GF is stepping up to do it.
But DDs got uniform, you didn't pay for it and you don't dont have to brave the school uniform shop, which tbh is always a bit stressful.
So let it go.

No you’re not. Of course you’re not!

Its the perfect way to hurt you/piss you off, but how can you say so? You can’t. Because you’ll look ungrateful/unreasonable. But take comfort in the fact that you’re feelings are entirely reasonable.

Yeah, you’re saying you don’t have issues with this woman and he’d get a kick out of it, like it’d all about you, he didn’t even tell you, he is in a relationship with this woman, she’s his partner, and I assume he didn’t force her, both her and your child are happy and you got what you asked. You can’t dictate he does it personally and it’s odd you think this is over stepping and hurtful

are you maybe not over the relationship ending, and see this as a sign they are serious?

Uniform buying is a parent child thing? I can think of about a million other things that are parent child things and uniform buying does not come close. Maybe he was doing it to be a pain, or to relinquish responsibility, or maybe he was at work and just doing a blended family thing utilising two parents. I do things for my SD. While not taking on a full parent role, I will absolutely help out and do things. I sometimes pick my SD up from school if my partner is delayed at work, and her Mum is fine with this. My DDs step Mum (who incidentally was the woman my exH left me for) does the same with my DD and I am fine with that. If she was the one who was doing parenting decisions or spending all the time with DD then I would be annoyed, (although wouldn't be able to do anything about it) but she isn't. She helps out as part of a partnership as do I. If she wanted to do the uniform shopping she could do so with my blessing! One of the things that is levelled at step parents/none full time parent is the 'Disney dad' phenomena, where they only do the fun parent child things leaving the mundane or annoying things elsewhere. I personally firmly put uniform buying in the latter category!

As someone said further up in the thread, and I know it’s a bit off the point, but more fool the gf for doing his responsibilities for him.

My boyfriend (although I hate saying the word because it sounds childish) paid for all of DD’s uniform on our side because we all live together. It’s not weird at all.

@Kbroughton
No idea if OPs ex is a Disney dad or not but he WASNT the one putting in the work of shopping for school uniform - he delegated it to another woman.
And OP refers to her as exs GF so no idea if this is a long term relationship or a GF that's been in the scene a few weeks, or something in between.
Anyway OP can't help how she feels and for want of a better word this may have triggered her in some way, either because Ex has sidestepped his parenting responsibility yet again or because of how she feels about the GF.
Some mothers and daughters do like shopping together, although I admit school uniform shopping is usually stressful!
If GF was involved in their break up or is only recently on the scene then I think quite a few mums would feel it's overstepping and that DC dad should have done it himself.
But OP uniform is purchased and that has to be a win, so I agree with pp don't let him know he got under your skin and don't make it uncomfortable for your DD.

This is what I was thinking and I’m wondering if he delegated it to his gf too. Chances are it’s always been OP going out getting the uniform and now this year it’s his gf.

I think girlfriend is being kind making sure Dd has her uniform and shoes.
Your Dd seems to be happy about it, so what’s the problem?

His girlfriend is his current partner so of course there will be things that he can and will ask her to do or she will volunteer to do to help him out. You don't get to have a say in that or control that

This is something specifically for OP’s child, though, not putting the bins out. It’s also quite intimate, going uniform shopping together. It’s a job for a mum or dad.

Also, I wonder how long they’ve been together?

Something along the lines of 'I can't get her uniform because the car's broken'.

'When I said the car's broken, I didn't mean I couldn't get to the shops to get her uniform, I just meant I couldn't drive myself to the shops to get her uniform and wanted you to drive to the shops to get her uniform instead, not the other adult in the house, I'd have got somebody to drive me to the shops to get her uniform if I thought you wouldn't be doing the driving and shopping yourself'.

Somebody not so confused by that logic: 'When you said you couldn't get her uniform because you can't get to the shops because your car's broken, you weren't actually unable to get to the shops? So other than the car needing a repair of some kind, it wasn't true? And now you're miffed because there weren't any arguments, no moaning, no 'what happens to the maintenance I pay you?' or 'I work for a living, you're her mother, you sort it', it was sorted straight away and she has uniform?'

Yabu. You asked him to sort it and it's been sorted just not in the way you wanted it sorting. Your child will be adequately clothed for school so just be happy about it as many new partners wouldn't go out and pay for their partners childs clothes.

If I'd asked my ex to buy DD's uniform he would have thrown a fit. If you're able to approach him to buy uniform I'd consider you to be very lucky. The fact that his gf physically did the shopping for it & DD told you without you grunting about it is better for your daughter to witness than her hearing your disappointment/anger which she would then be confused by.

Sometimes you have to disguise your own feelings about some things DD says rather than seemingly taking it out on her - I don't mean that nastily, basically she's just the messenger. Uniform is bought, DD is happy so mission accomplished. At least the gf was willing to spend the time with your daughter which is good for her to experience.

If you need to send a thank you to ex just say thanks for sorting DD's uniform - you know how it came about but be happy for DD rather than sticking the boot in cos no doubt ex is expecting that x

GF has done a kind thing but I’d prob be a bit upset she’d bought it too. I would text ex and just say thanks for the uniform, really helped me out.

This.
Brilliant idea.

OP, take the small wins when you can. 🙂

Both the OP and her ex fobbed off the chore of getting the uniform on to someone else. But you're only accusing the ex of being lazy and/or mean. Why are you excusing the OP from the same accusations?

She needs the uniform. Your ex has a partner and she rightly also cares that your kid has a uniform. So between them they got her one. It makes no odds whether it was her or him. In fact she might prefer shopping with a woman as opposed to her dad. I know I found shopping for clothes with my dad cringe.
It seems a non issue.

Erm.

My stepson goes back Wednesday - I messaged his mum (my partners ex wife) to ask if anything else needed picking up and/or sorting.

He lives with us both, we both need uniform and various other bits of school stuff.

I’d be really shocked if she thought that was stepping on her toes.

This is insane. Its a uniform. Its required. She's not picking out clothes.

There is a boatload of projection and making up scenarios in their head to be mad about.