That you never get over a bad childhood

[LadybugsAndSunshine]

Those of you that have had terrible abusive childhoods, do you think it ever leaves you.. The Shame or the sadness.
Im 43 now and I am happily married with my own now adult son but I still think about it a lot, At least 3 times a day a memory will drag me back in time.
It seems so unfair that the first 18 years of your life cause upset for the remaining 60.
I’ve had therapy and I’m no contact, I can manage my reactions to these feelings better the older I get but it’s hard, is it just me or do others feel the same.

I find that the temptation to cut myself off from people is very unhelpful with this and to the extent to which I’ve put myself out of my comfort zone and made an effort to not be lonely, my well-being and happiness are much more present.

I don't give it any headspace, and over time I barely remember it now, it's in a past life

I find that although there are moments when it all comes back to haunt me, the majority of life is spent with a peace and calm I never thought I would ever be lucky to experience. I am 52 and the older I get, the easier it becomes. Hang on in there.

No one can fully block out their childhood experiences, good or bad, as they form part of who we are and why we make choices.
I do think I am hyper independent though and struggle to trust anyone is actually doing things just to be nice if they are male. Females I am fine with but sometimes don't fully grasp what to do in emotional situations and will try to find solutions in a masculine way...I know why I do these things but it does mean my life has different priorities to others. I don't value having a man, for example, as I see it as something that will likely need "fixing" because they cheat/leave/treat you and your kids badly/don't have much empathy - it's an analysis that they aren't worth all of the emotional work, much like having a washer dryer wouldn't be something I would do.

I think it definitely shapes who we become as adults. Especially if we become parents. I just couldn't comprehend how anyone could treat a child like that once I had my own.

Going no contact was inevitable but took me far too long.

This is really interesting to read. I am single with no desire to have another relationship again and I am also a loner, really happy to be by myself and not speak to people for days. There must be something in that, from a chaotic childhood.

Absolutely, but I think it's possible, with work, to come to terms with things and sit with the sadness and discomfort, and to work yourself out from under childhood scripts or behaviours that are damaging your quality of life or relationships as an adult.

I also think you can think you've dealt with something, and realise that's not the case. I thought I was fully ok with CSA in my childhood, to the extent that this is possible, and was thrown back by a revelation in my 50s that overturned my peace of mind and needed a lot of work to get out from under.

I don’t think much about it any more. If I do, it’s with a sort of vague detachment, like an onlooker. Time passes and it was another life, and I was a different person. No good will come from my dwelling in what can’t be changed. Life is short and precious and I only have this one shot, so I refuse to waste it on looking backwards. I’m so much happier than I ever thought I would be; it made a huge difference when i decided to put a full stop on that chapter of my life, stop re-reading it and turn over to a new one.

If you have suffered trauma and abuse as a child it can affect every aspect of your life.
read the body keeps score I'm halfway through and it's fascinating the unseen affect of trauma on the body and future generations can have

@IjustbelieveinMe same - I was quite social in my 20s and 30s, and it's not like I've not had relationships with men (have DC) but I've realised I value calm and faith in myself being a constant. Men for me, are unstable entities who are flighty often needlessly rageful and unpredictable, so I choose to opt out of being near/close to them in any way. I've tried dating all sorts too as I was aware I didn't want to pick a type and kept thinking some must be different. I came to the conclusion a few might well be but mostly women just put up with a lot more than they'd publicly admit. I really don't miss having the worry they are cheating or lying, I've forged a decent life and don't have that roller coaster to deal with any more.

I think I just stop the spiral of any negative thoughts. I just flood my brain with memories of the best times including ones that took place during my shitty childhood. I tip the balance. It feels healthier than wallowing in the misery of any of it. I am not that girl anymore, I am who I am today and I am her because of my childhood too.

Funny how we’re all different. I’d have no interest in reading it for the reasons you describe! I’ve worked too hard to overcome and change my life and mind.

I am like a stuck record but have you had EMDR? For me it was life changing and has completely stopped the bad memories and intrusive thoughts etc.

My partners childhood has deeply affected him. He’s suffered terribly from poor mental health at various points and has complex ptsd amongst other things. He’s finally feeling able to deal with things (he’s now in his 50s and just couldn’t talk about things before) and is seeing a psychiatrist which is helping enormously, thankfully. The terrible impact of being physically and mentally abused as a child, never feeling safe, and not being able to trust your parents the people who should care most for you, takes a truly terrible toll. I hope you are ok op.

I’ve joined Mumsnet because of this thread. Usually I just read a bit here and there - but this thread really stood out to me.

I am 39. And this year has been the hardest year of my life because I’ve had to face my childhood trauma head on. And relive it all. Make sense of it all. And process it. I’ve made so many mistakes in the past because of this and my head is full of shame & sadness. I decided enough is enough and I want to work through it and have a calm & peaceful life (probably wishful thinking)

Yesterday I noted that my “baseline mood” was unwanted and isolated. Even though I’m married, have DC and friends.

Im not sure what I’m trying to say tbh but just want you all to know that you’re not alone ❤️

Editing to add that I have diagnosed CPTSD and have lived in hyper vigilance mode my whole life.

@smallpinecone thats what the book says you have to work hard to overcome the trauma. The book is explaining why people who have experienced abuse and trauma are more likely to suffer from long term health conditions and poor mental health and the support that they need to overcome this

It's not for everyone, but what helped me 'get over it' was to understand what my parents had been through/were going through and forgive them. My parents both had very abusive childhoods and time in care. Carrying around hate and resentment isn't good for anyone.

This. You csn take charge of your life now, unlike when you're a child

Yes, breaking the chain is key. I do think we all do that in different ways though. For me I don't want a man in my house showing DC why men are unpredictable and that most women just dance around it. I want them to see they have a choice to do it alone, but for some that is called hyper-independence which can be seen as a negative and a coping mechanism. It's hard to know if that means I'm "over it", breaking the cycle or still living in it and finding ways to cope.

I have suffered the effects my whole life and only now with EMDR therapy am I finding calm and peace in my mind.

I'm 47 and look to have a completely normal life, work and family but have suffered silently and used alcohol and in my youth drugs. Now I am able to completely stop drinking or drink the occasional glass instead of every day, I am not triggered and I can concentrate on living in the moment. It's been life changing.

The bullying I experienced at school, and the lack of any action to stop it by my parents, has affected my whole life. I’ve kept myself reserved and tried to hide my personality because I thought people would dislike me or call me weird or laugh at me behind my back, I’ve only just realised now I’m in my 40s that I never was ugly or weird or unlikeable but it’s too late, I’ve not made friends because I wouldn’t put myself out there and I assumed people wouldn’t want to be friends with me.

I completely blame my parents for sending me out of catchment to a really rough school where there was no one like me, so I stuck out like a sore thumb, if I’d known people like me growing up I would’ve known that I wasn’t odd.

I think what people don't think about is the fact that unless you totally cut all those people out of your life, physically and mentally, you will be forever reminded.

Abusive/neglectful parents don't suddenly become wonderful the day you turn 18. They usually make shit grandparents too. So while all your friends DC have loving GPs doting on them. You're once again reminded of how shit your parents are. Whenever you might need a parent to lean on for support, nope haven't got that either. They continue to be selfish and uncaring. You can't "get over" something that hasn't stopped!

I'd bet everyone reading this, who has a good mum, will still say they need their mum in certain ways no matter their age. That doesn't just go away for those of us that don't have good mums. We still feel that loss.

Even other "innocents" like siblings, serve as a reminder of all you went through. I remember reading the kids of Fred and Rose West don't speak to each other. Not because of bad feeling but because it's too traumatic. An extreme example but the principle can be the same.

I'm not "over" my bad childhood, I never will be. It was too horrendous. But I compartmentalise it and keep it shut away. That's the best I can do. I don't want to keep talking about it, via counselling or whatever. It was shit, you can't "come to terms" with shit in any meaningful way imo. I think all you can do is focus on the here and now and be better yourself. I have a fantastic relationship with my adult DC and my parents will never know what they missed out on. I'd say I feel sorry for them but I don't. You reap what you sow.

I have tried EMDR but I couldn’t really get along with it. Perhaps I should try again.
I think I’m feeling this way at the moment because I had my teen years dragged into my present last year. ( The police came knocking and asked for me to give statements/be a witness in court case over something that happened back then)
Even though I’m married I am also very independent and like my own company, I find friendships hard to make and keep and I think I sometimes I feel like the dark cloud in the room.
I also find the anger hard to deal with, having my own child really made me question how the hell someone can treat there child the way I was treated. I get upset for my child too.. No grandparents, uncles, aunties , cousins because I had to cut them all off.

Me too. I remember it but don't experience it anymore.

I can relate to this, I have four siblings and I’m in irregular contact with two of them.
My mum has ended up completely alone, none of her children speak to her, she has no friends.
Her own brothers and sisters have sided with her and I have know idea what she has told them about why none of her children speak to her, I don’t really care either. She can try and rewrite history all she wants but she knows full well why.