Shitty text from friend about new boyfriend

[123Bree]

One of my friends has a new Boyfriend who we met for the first time yesterday (myself and DP).

We went to a local pub where they had a bank holiday event on, a DJ and BBQ etc.

Her Bf seemed a nice guy to begin with, but got progressively drunk as the afternoon progressed. He started making a few comments, mainly commenting on other people in the bar where we were sat and also outside as we were looking over the garden where the DJ was.

A woman was stood up from her table and dancing. The Bf said that he bets she will be on all fours tonight. I asked what he meant. He said her partner will be in for a good night. I said that’s a strange thing to assume from someone dancing and he mumbled a reply.

We left soon after (it was reaching the time we said we’d go anyway).

My friend messaged me last night asking why I created an atmosphere and that I was being uptight(!) to have said that to him when he was just having a laugh. I replied to say I found the comment offensive and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. She read the message and hasn’t replied.

Was I OTT to say something?!

Agree. Who would dare to make such a crass remark to people he barely knew. If he says that in public you might wonder what he might say or do at home

He’s shown his true colours early on hasn’t he? No best behaviour and trying to impress friends at all either.

It’s a disgusting comment which shows how he views women and now he’s trying to frame it as you are being combative and unwelcoming.

Nope. As others said don’t lower your standards. Keep them high. Your friend should be embarrassed of herself.

So you’d laugh would you if you were dancing and overheard someone say that about you? 🙄

If being uptight means having standards, then I am all for it.

"A woman was stood up from her table and dancing. The Bf said that he bets she will be on all fours tonight. I asked what he meant. He said her partner will be in for a good night. I said that’s a strange thing to assume from someone dancing and he mumbled a reply."

I think you were pretty restrained, to be honest. I'd have done a variation of the MumsnetResponse - 'Did you mean to sound so sleazy?'.

"My friend messaged me last night asking why I created an atmosphere and that I was being uptight(!) to have said that to him when he was just having a laugh. I replied to say I found the comment offensive and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. She read the message and hasn’t replied."

You were similarly restrained with your friend. I'd have told her that her sleazy boyfriend was the one who created 'the atmosphere'.

Yes, have walked this route sadly. Lovely girl I met first day of college, great friends for years. Took up with a lowlife who decided he didn't like any of her friends and forced her to cut ties. She has a very miserable life now, but won't leave.

It’s 2025, we don’t have to put up with men spouting this shit. Well Done OP.

The way some basic mens minds work never fails to make me sick, your friends bar is very low. Good for you for having integrity OP

I’m pretty chilled out about most things but this was frankly not funny. I’d laugh at a sexual joke at my own expense, or someone else at the table (who had chance to respond) but making weird lewd comments about another women you’ve never met is immature and not funny. Also, ‘reading the room’ is a skill so the fact he said it (when clearly you didn’t think it was appropriate) makes him socially a bit dim.

I’m not uptight but this wasn’t funny unless you’re 15.

Really??? The only way to make a joke is by making sexually disparaging comments about women?

Let me guess, you’re one of those people who like to make fun of people while hiding behind “but it’s just banter”

@123Bree you were right to call him out, maybe she is still in the honeymoon phase or in denial but you need to set your boundaries.

I might not have said anything because I am a wimp but if someone I just met was making comments like that I would certainly have written then off as a vile creep and probably would not socialise with them again. You did right to call him out though

What was the joke? Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny?

Good responses from you OP that's the sort of thing I always retrospectively wish I had said (I would have called it out too mind, but prob wouldn't have been more eloquent than just "ew what's your problem")

Hopefully your friend is very embarrassed by her new bf

Of course YANBU. How old is he?

Well given that you realise he hasn't successfully made a joke, what sort of joke do you suggest he was trying to make?

You were right op.

I think the poster upthread who called you uptight hasn’t understood why you said that.

obviously @Moveoverdarlinthe op did know what he meant but asking someone to repeat or explain something utterly horrendous they’ve just said is a classic technique for politely calling out such remarks. There isn’t anything actually funny about it is there? Or could you explain please why pointing to an unknown woman dancing and describing the sexual position she may be in tonight is funny? Please be super precise as ti what is funny about it.

It wouldn’t have been funny even then. It isn’t even a joke, just the sort of ugly, cretinous remark you’d expect a thick 14-year-old to make when trying to impress his friends.

My 15 y old son would have been "grossed out" by hearing something like that.
I understand that OP found the comment offensive but since it was the first time she met the new bf, he was drunk, made a stupid joke I think I would have chosen not to hear it for my friend's sake.

Yeah, possibly. I’d have probably made a slightly withering joke back to him if it had been me.

Unfortunately you've basically forced her to face the reality that her new boyfriend is an arsehole and by calling him out, you made her feel embarrassed so she's lashing out.

Given it was the first time meeting him, I'm not sure I would have said anything for my friend's sake but ultimately he is an arse and she should know it.

I’d of laughed, if it bothered me much I’d of left and spoken to said friend in private.

I read that as in she’ll be on her hands and knees puking into the loo, her husband having to deal with it. I’m clearly naive 😂

I was thinking the same. I would put money on him having a rant when they got home. Give it a bit of time and he will have her isolated from her friends as he will offend everyone but he will be the victim. Good luck to her