What do i do now

[Isthisover88]

Pretty sure my marriage of 20 years has just come tumbling down. Not really a surprise as we've been in a rocky place for a while but its all come to a head last night

Basically DH has been moaning for a while, constantly that everything i do is wrong. In his opinion wrong. Examples include (not not limited to)
The bathroom gets too wet when I shower, despite the fact I then go round and more up any water afterwards (that's not good enough I obviously don't show right in the first place)

I don't tell youngest dc (4) off enough - I do tell him off I just don't believe in shouting in his face to do it

I don't have sex with him often enough - we probably average 2-3 times a week, i'm peri menopausal and we both work full time, he'd have it 7 days a week if he could

I work too much - both have full time jobs and I wfh 3 days, 9-5 tho some flexibility on my hours for school runs and stuff however have a dedicated office space. He finishes at 1pm and gets home about 2, I should come and bring the laptop out and sit with when he finishes to spend time with him

I don't do enough around the house. Apparently my wfh days should be used to catch up on housework. I also don't hoover, but he moans about how I hoover not being up to his standards so I now refuse to

I've started running again as my fitness is struggling with the peri-menopause with thr aim of maybe doing a half marathon later in the year. While it's perfectly acceptable for him to go to football every Saturday and various other activities on a sunday etc, me taking an hour out here and there (usually when the kids are asleep or before they wake up as we have a treadmill) is sacrificing family time - ie time with him

Last night I was called the C word and shouted at as I was trying to work through with him the whole shower situation to try and appease him and because I wasn't listening well enough he flipped out

If my partner called me a cunt it’s the last thing they’d call me. That’s without being bizarrely controlling about how I used the shower and the rest of it.

How are you feeling this morning and what would you like to happen next? Has he apologised?

I hope you find the peace today to catch your breath, some joy with your child(ren), and some strength to determine the best plan from here for you and your children. 💐

You know this isn’t acceptable or normal behaviour op? You’ve got used to it but it isn’t normal. You need to break free and live a happy life. Sorry you are having to go through this 😢

He slept in thr spare room last night so i tried talking to him this morning and his stance is the same. I was hoping yesterday was alcohol fueled as we had some friends round and he had a drink but apparently not

He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out

Ask him for the key on his way out.

You deserve SO much better than this, and whilst it might be hard now, it will get easier when you no longer have to deal with his behaviour.

Divorce and throw him back into the cess pit, use the next few months to plan your exit strategy.

Do not tell him your plan, make copies of all documents including pay slips, bank statements, assets, shares, pension, passports, birth/marriage certificates & house deeds etc. Store them in a safe place, preferably out of the house with a trusted family member or friend.

Book to see a very good divorce solicitor who will advise you on your situation if you decide to go ahead & end the 'marriage'.

Also, start building up a cash reserve for a flat deposit & expenses in case you need to move out. Buy items in the next size up for the kids & things they might need later now (coats, shoes & uniform etc) from the joint account.

Imagine how peaceful it will be to have an abuse-free shower when he moves out. Take him up on his lovely offer to leave.

Well that's quite easy - he moves out.

What he seems to want is his mother waiting on him hand and foot plus a sex slave all rolled into one. That's not you. Or anyone to be honest!

Pleeeeease let him move out, what kind of life are you leading with him there criticising your every move. He can’t love you, this isn’t the way we treat those we love. He is being abusive.

Reading your update, ask him for his key and change the locks after he's left.

I am pretty sure, he's got an ow lined up and he's setting you up to fail deliberately.

If I was you I’d let him move out then.

if you post on relationships you’ll get good advice.

good luck.

Fucking good. Im changing fuck all and you can go today. Pack your bags and fuck off would be my response.

What a horrible person, relationship and shit show. Your post gave me serious ick. Not a single thing on earth would make me stay with him.

I don't have sex with him often enough.

I'm surprised you have sex with him at all, a horrible horrible little man, abusive, controlling, manipulative, hes doing you a favour sleeping in the spare room and offering to move out.

Tell him to move out.

Marriage counselling? If you love him and want to work through it? Has he always been like this? Also get a cleaner to help you? Is he having a mental health crisis? I’d be taking some time off work go take a break with family for a week.. and leave him try the greener hills of single life for a few days.. you sound amazing and work so hard.. you don’t deserve what he’s dishing up.. God love you, I hope it gets better for you..

He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out

It’s really good when the trash offers to take itself out.

This. Sorry.

Best get the cases out of the loft then.

He sounds horrible. I think at this point you absolutely need to take him up on his offer to move out (although I suspect that might just be a threat to bring you back in line and he will change his tune). I’d also read Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that?” As the situation sounds abusive. You can get a free off online if you search. Or Google “coercive control”.

ETA I’m assuming he has always shown these controlling tendencies but if they’ve come on in the last months or year then I agree with PPs that there could well be an OW waiting in the wings.

He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out

Let him move out. He is telling you to jump and you've been asking how high but this is not sustainable, nor should it happen in an equal, loving and supportive relationship. You are worth so much more than this.

It doesn't sound like he even likes you. I'd put money on him trying to pick a fight with you so that you end it and therefore you look like the "bad guy" for "kicking him out and splitting up the family."

What do you do now? You take a deep breath and start to plan for life without him. And as an aside - keep up the running as it will help you in a multitude of ways as you navigate this situation.

you are lucky OP. He’s offering to move out. Thank him for that and send him on his way. Life will be so much better on your own. He sounds awful and trust me if you did do as he asks
now about showering etc. it will only
be something else that you are doing wrong next.

I bet he won’t go though, when you tell him you’re not going to change.

I’m sorry it’s come to this for you, but I can’t see any way that you can make it better. He clearly doesn’t love you but just wants a cleaner who will service him every day.

Hmm it's very common for the wandering eye type to start this behaviour so they can blame you when the relationship ends.

He sounds Narcissistic and controlling and Narcs can never ever take responsibility.
Take him up on his offer

Well that's perfect then. Tell him to shut the door when he leaves.

On a serious note, this is really really bad. He's a selfish asshole and I don't know how you can have sex with him at all. He basically wants you to be available 24/7 to cater to his desires. I would take him up on his offer of him moving out. I think it will feel like bliss being rid of him.