What do i do now

[Isthisover88]

Pretty sure my marriage of 20 years has just come tumbling down. Not really a surprise as we've been in a rocky place for a while but its all come to a head last night

Basically DH has been moaning for a while, constantly that everything i do is wrong. In his opinion wrong. Examples include (not not limited to)
The bathroom gets too wet when I shower, despite the fact I then go round and more up any water afterwards (that's not good enough I obviously don't show right in the first place)

I don't tell youngest dc (4) off enough - I do tell him off I just don't believe in shouting in his face to do it

I don't have sex with him often enough - we probably average 2-3 times a week, i'm peri menopausal and we both work full time, he'd have it 7 days a week if he could

I work too much - both have full time jobs and I wfh 3 days, 9-5 tho some flexibility on my hours for school runs and stuff however have a dedicated office space. He finishes at 1pm and gets home about 2, I should come and bring the laptop out and sit with when he finishes to spend time with him

I don't do enough around the house. Apparently my wfh days should be used to catch up on housework. I also don't hoover, but he moans about how I hoover not being up to his standards so I now refuse to

I've started running again as my fitness is struggling with the peri-menopause with thr aim of maybe doing a half marathon later in the year. While it's perfectly acceptable for him to go to football every Saturday and various other activities on a sunday etc, me taking an hour out here and there (usually when the kids are asleep or before they wake up as we have a treadmill) is sacrificing family time - ie time with him

Last night I was called the C word and shouted at as I was trying to work through with him the whole shower situation to try and appease him and because I wasn't listening well enough he flipped out

I could really go to town on what’s wrong with him but what’s the point when he’s given you the solution?

He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out

Don’t change.
Sorted.

Good. Off he fucks then.

“He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out”

Goodbye! I might also spray the shower round the whole bathroom including the ceiling before he goes in there….

Good riddance! He obviously doesn’t see you as an equal, he sees himself as better than you and that you are somebody who needs to do as he says. Threatening to move out is a power play on his part, take your power back and throw him out!

Thank you for all the replies

I have left him in the spare room for now.

I can't believe its come to this. I know hes not been happy for a while and neither have I really I guess but we've always worked through it

Not the first time hes called me the C word though. Guess I should have acted the first time he did

Thinking back i actually get nervous and over think whatever he asks me to do in case I get it wrong.

Yesterday he moaned that I put the vegetable peeler back in thr wrong place in the drawer (not the wron mg drawer, 2cm away from where I was meant to go)

He screamed at our youngest the other day for spilling some milk (complete accident) and then screamed at me when I tried to day it was an accident.

As soon as you start doing these “requests” then he will move the goalposts again and something else won’t be right . You don’t want your child growing up thinking that’s what is healthy in a relationship because he isn’t . He will just become his Father and treat a woman like his Dad does .

I hardly ever post to tell people to leave a relationship immediately because nothing is ever black and white, but as a domestic abuse survivor and having worked with lots of women who have been in abusive relationships, your post is ringing all kinds of alarms bells. Please please tell him to go if thats how he feels. This is very, very controlling behaviour that will only escalate further. It is not how reasonable partners behave. He is setting you up to fail at every point so he has (in his mind) more reason to find fault and exercise control. Please find a Freedom Course running near you (or you can do it online) - they are free and a safe space to learn about coercive control and domestic abuse. Your DH has the word Dominator written all over him. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but cut loose from him, you'll feel so much lighter and happier. And there are no obstacles such as finances, joint parenting or anything else cannot be overcome no matter how hard it seems.

If anyone screamed at my young child that would be that - never mind someone who is supposed to live and nurture them unconditionally.

this man is no husband or father.

take him up on his offer to leave, assist his as he goes and make sure it’s the last thing you ever do for him.

Does he have OCD?

Regardless, his treatment of you and the name-calling is appalling. His lack of contrition and threats to leave you, mean this marriage is over, I’m afraid.
Start planning.

I'm also anxious reading your posts @Isthisover88

I left an abusive husband many years ago and tbh I should've left him a lot sooner than I did. It's hard to admit you've made a mistake and it's an upheaval to go but........

So I suggest that you get your ducks in a row and leave your husband. He sounds awful, really nasty. You don't have to live up to his bizarre standards. He'll move the goalposts in any case.

Once you've left him, you'll be surprised at how much calmer and happier you feel.

Honestly? I'd be helping him pack! Does he really think this is a normal way to treat your spouse? Calling you a c* over some water on the bathroom floor?

Tell him to leave and get some peace and happiness in your life again OP. You deserve way better than this.

This is absolutely outrageous. He is spoiling for a fight isn’t he, what an unpleasant man. Stay strong - listen to your inner voice telling you that this is unacceptable because it 100% is unacceptable. If he wants to go - let him. I guarantee you will feel so much better in time.

He has never been diagnosed with OCD ut he does have some tendencies of it. I have tried to work with him over the years but as someone above said then the goalposts change

He is very intolerant of other people or people doing things differently

For example pur drive is quite awkward to park on, I can reverse on it but sometimes I may go forward an extra time to straighten up. Just because he can do it in one it infuriates him that I have to go back and forty an extra time to the point I now refuse to park on the drive if he is in the car with me __

He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out

Is this fellow threatening you with a good time?

Seriously OH. He demands you centre your work-life round him, have sex with him whenever he wants it, expects you to give up your exercise routine for his convenience, and he hurls the C word at you when you try to resolve things. Oh, and he thinks it's appropriate to yell in the face of a tiny four year old. Prepare an exit strategy so that you can take him up on his offer.

He is abusing you and your children. It sounds like he is in a bad place mentally but that isn’t your problem and I doubt he would admit it and seek help. He isn’t being a decent person at the moment. I think you need to get your ducks in a row (collect financial info and speak to a family solcitor) and speak to a domestic abuse charity before ending the relationship so you can do it in a way that keeps you and children safe. In the mean time if he does something which scares you don’t be afraid to called 999.

Off he goes then.

Oh my god, put him out on his horrible arse. Sex pest, bullying tyrant.

He sounds utterly, utterly vile.

I couldn't live with this.

I bet he's cheating too (or wants to).

My partner is very similar, I relate to the shower thing and parking as had similar incidents in the past. You just keep trying to please him but there will always be something and it's very confusing as you feel like it's all your fault and you're not good enough. My self esteem is non existent so wonder if you feel the same. Sorry I don't have much in the way of advice but might help to know you're not the only person feeling this way 💐

He has confused you with an employee. An employee he also has sex with.

URGH!

He has never been diagnosed with OCD ut he does have some tendencies of it.

Odious Controlling Dick. People very often look for labels to explain or excuse behaviours but very often these behaviours are just those of controlling, intolerant people who want their own way all the time. And an excuse (anything you do) to berate and shout at their victim.

Please do not consider couples counselling. It will only benefit him. And pay the counsellor's bills. If you need to speak to someone, please do so for yourself.

I'd be surprised if this is the final 'that's it, I'm off' so, as PPs have said, please take him up on this current offer (he's going to claim victimhood no matter how long it drags out so you might as well rip the plaster off) and do what you need to to start your new (better, calmer, happier) life without him

I have OCD and I’m not abusive, it is NOT an excuse for any of the behaviour you have described.

He's decided to leave already, and wants to make it look like it's your fault. He sounds awful. Please let him go and enjoy your new life without this kind of constant grief.

Men like your DH get so used to having their own way that they think you're desperate to stay in the marriage, for him saying he'll leave is the ultimate threat that will pull you back in line. Now I think you see he won't change, he'll get worse and it's live in misery or leave. If you tell him to go he'll be furious but it's time Op, you're an adult and he has no right to treat you like a naughty DC.
100% of 95 people think you're not being unreasonable, that's your answer

Why why why are you living this shit life? Tell him to go. Your children deserve a better life than they have now.