To think he should come to the lunch?

[Dancemomma]

I want to start by saying my partner will always put my wishes first, but I do specifically have to ask him….

My partner and I are travelling to another part of the UK (about 5 hour drive) to visit my family. He’s only met them once as we don’t get there often.

It’s a close cousin’s 50th and a few people are driving/flying down for a long weekend. We’ll stay in a hotel and I’ve paid for DP and I to stay somewhere quite nice.

On one of the days we’re all going for a lunch buffet, a drive away from where my family live. The buffet was my choice as I loved the place when I was younger. We’ll make a day of it with the group while we’re out.

DP is known to hate buffets, and I didn’t think much of telling him “you don’t have to come if you don’t want”.

To be honest I thought he’d come along anyway.

He told me last night that not only was he not coming, he was planning to see a (single) female friend that he used to work with, who happens to live nearby. We’ll be gone a lot of the day so he said he’d “hang out with her for the day” apparently. I’ve never met her and actually never even heard of her

I’m pretty pissed off to be honest. I don’t like the optics of having to tell my family he isn’t coming at all (although originally I told him it was fine), but particularly to spend a day with this woman I’ve never even heard off, who is single by all accounts. And it’s worsened by the fact we rarely see my family and only have a few days with them.

He doesn’t have a jealous bone in this body so it literally wouldn’t cross his mind that this would be an issue. Nor would he give two hoots if I skipped something I didn’t feel like doing with his family.

AIBU to tell him I’ve changed my mind and I’d like him to join us? Or at least tell him I’m uncomfortable with his choice of alternative activity.

He’s never given me any reason not to trust him and he tends to always put my wishes first. This just won’t have occurred to him as an issue.

I junk Yabu. It can’t all be about you and your wishes.

I'm obviously not the OP or her partner!

But for me, it's a combination of things.

There are a few of these buffet places by me that offer a range of cuisines from around the world.

The food is just nasty!

Really salty, not authentic and they give me a headache (probably from additives in the sauces). Quite often the starters taste like they've been bought frozen from Costco (probably because they have).

Plus, I don't want to eat a spring roll that several other people have touched before me!

I don't go to buffet places either.

Imo YANBU to tell him
I’ve changed my mind and I’d like him to join us? Or at least tell him I’m uncomfortable with his choice of alternative activity.

Are all the posters who think he shouldn't go to meet a friend because op doesn't want him to equally happy with the dp having future veto powers on her activities with friends?

You gave him an out, and are complaining that he took it. Be more honest in your communication.

you are an adult OP. If you aren't giving someone a choice but you want them to come to something with you, don't say "you don't have to come"

Especially when you know it is something that person really doesn't like.

Have proper grown up conversations.

As for your jealousy - well you can't change that so you need to be upfront with him that while he doesn't understand jealousy, you are jealous and that his spending all day with a woman you don't know pushes all your Big Green Buttons - and importantly: ask him if he would change his plans to do that and maybe just meet her for a couple of hours.

But. You two need to work on this. He needs to understand your POV and you need to use clear language.

Given you’re going for the birthday, why on earth would he make himself scarce? In his shoes, I bet you’d suck it up. I’d say to him that really you’ve thought about it and would prefer him to accompany you. My family would consider it really rude if he didn’t attend. Obviously everyone is different but it seems odd to disappear during the reason for the visit.

Same. Also everyone is up and down all the time getting more food so no real time for chat, it's all about eating as much as you can to get your money's worth.

Yabu. You told him he didnt have to come, his plans are irrelevant.

I would be disappointed he didnt want to come, and now knowing he takes things so literally I would never say "you dont have to come" again.

I dont think it is rude to family as coming to other events. And even though I paid i would understand if my dh wanted a break from socialising with my family.

As he is not a selfish person i would think its a miscommunication on my part initially and leave it at that. If you really want you could explain you didnt mean it but I presume it will be awkward to cancel on friend now and he will just feel bad about it so not mucj point.

Lesson learnt
..with men say what you mean .
Don't hint, don't over emotionalise* it. Just tell him you want him there.
And as for the "I am not suspicious line"....why are u posting here if u aren't and something doesn't sit quite right with me .. usually I talk about people I know with my partner.

This is the thing when you tell someone they don't have to come to an event (particularly something they dislike) and they take you at your word and arrange to do something else, you can't then get upset at them. Do you know all of your partner's former colleagues? Does he know all of yours? Doubtful. Just tell people a buffet isn't something he enjoys so is catching up with a former colleague. No need for drama.

Why would you book a restaurant that your own partner is known to dislike? Surly there are other options that you nieces and nephews would have enjoyed as well.
This plus telling him that he doesn’t have to come 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Yes, I wouldn’t like the ‘hanging out with a female colleague’ part, but I would have booked somewhere he would enjoy (and wouldn’t have mentioned him not attending).

You should have chosen something else if you know he hates buffets.

If you arranged a meal somewhere you knew I did not like then told me I did not need to come I would presume you had booked if so that I opted out.
I would hate to go to a buffet. People stuffing their faces, collecting food that has been uncovered, using spoons someone else has held with filthy hands or maybe even licked and picking up items 12 other people have picked up and put back. I would go for a day out with someone I met on a train 20 years ago to avoid it.
Did the person whose birthday it is not choose? Or are they not coming to this part? If they chose it is different.
I cannot for one minute think anyone is worried about not seeing your partner when they hardly know him. Tbh once in 18 months does not seem as though you are invested in him being part of the family.
You sound quite self centred. Next time maybe give him a crystal ball.

i wouldn’t want to go in his position. And maybe you wouldn’t either? I think it’s fine for people to see their own family without their partner tagging along.

I wonder if you’re uncomfortable because you’ve never even heard of this woman he’s made plans with, but it seems they’re quite close - enough to both want to spend an entire day with just each other for company. For a friendship like that, would it be normal for him to have at least mentioned her name at some point?

You told him he didn’t have to go, so he made plans. You can’t change your mind now just because you don’t like what he’s chosen to do.

This! Very well put & it really never is the middle
aged overweight guy they used to work with!

This. Just seems a fuss about nothing. DP chose to still come and meet family but wants to take advantage of catching up with an old work colleague for one day also. He’s being neither selfish nor disrespectful imho.

If OP chooses to look at it as ‘glass half empty’ that’s her lookout. I also don’t know what the obsession with knowing exactly who the friend is about either?Just knowing it’s a woman 😱 who’s also single 😱😱 has seemingly sent OP over the edge. Seriously. His friend. His business. Women often complain about their male partners being overly controlling about restricting time with their male friends so I think a more grown up approach is needed here and less of the Pearl clutching.

I feel a bit like it's too late now. Ultimately you booked something he didnt like and you only said "you don't have to come" when you knew he has no choice. You didn't realise he did have a choice. He's clearly, God love him, a bit of an eejit in assuming you meant it, but clearly not malicious, he's just taken it at face value and arranged something else.
If you now tell him you were wrong, he's got to cancel his plans, attend a buffet he doesn't want to be at and let someone down that he's arranged to see.
There's clearly nothing going on with this woman as he obviously never sees her or you'd know he was doing the journey, he probably just heard "you don't have to come for a meal you don't like with people you barely see" and hunted through past acquaintances for an option. He's found an option and now you're pissed off.
Don't get me wrong, you're entitled to feel sad he's not joining you, but he's entitled to not join you given you said it was ok, and I don't think you're entitled to tell him to cancel his new plans, he only made them on the proviso he didn't need to join you.

Oh dear, why on earth did you say he didn’t have to go?? I do think it’s odd he took you up on the offer not to go to be honest, but you’ve sort of landed yourself in it now.

I don’t like buffets. It’s not a phobia and I’ll eat at one if needed but it wouldn’t be my choice. I find the food is often poorly presented and it’s often dried out / soggy / lukewarm depending on what it is. Basically, not as it’s intended to be eaten, by the time I get it to eat it. I also find people getting up and milling around the restaurant not conducive to a nice dining experience. Add on top of this you often find people massively overfill their plates and loads of food gets wasted.

so he’s choosing to spend time with another woman when you have paid for all of this??? And WHY have YOU paid for HIM??? Why hasn’t he paid for himself? Why haven’t you said to him bluntly it’s incredibly rude and selfish for him to behave like this

Did he come to the lunch @Dancemomma

Yeah, you didn't consider him for the day, but thought he'd tag along anyway. You're unreasonable. Single women can have male friends and spend time with them without shagging them.