To think he should come to the lunch?

[Dancemomma]

I want to start by saying my partner will always put my wishes first, but I do specifically have to ask him….

My partner and I are travelling to another part of the UK (about 5 hour drive) to visit my family. He’s only met them once as we don’t get there often.

It’s a close cousin’s 50th and a few people are driving/flying down for a long weekend. We’ll stay in a hotel and I’ve paid for DP and I to stay somewhere quite nice.

On one of the days we’re all going for a lunch buffet, a drive away from where my family live. The buffet was my choice as I loved the place when I was younger. We’ll make a day of it with the group while we’re out.

DP is known to hate buffets, and I didn’t think much of telling him “you don’t have to come if you don’t want”.

To be honest I thought he’d come along anyway.

He told me last night that not only was he not coming, he was planning to see a (single) female friend that he used to work with, who happens to live nearby. We’ll be gone a lot of the day so he said he’d “hang out with her for the day” apparently. I’ve never met her and actually never even heard of her

I’m pretty pissed off to be honest. I don’t like the optics of having to tell my family he isn’t coming at all (although originally I told him it was fine), but particularly to spend a day with this woman I’ve never even heard off, who is single by all accounts. And it’s worsened by the fact we rarely see my family and only have a few days with them.

He doesn’t have a jealous bone in this body so it literally wouldn’t cross his mind that this would be an issue. Nor would he give two hoots if I skipped something I didn’t feel like doing with his family.

AIBU to tell him I’ve changed my mind and I’d like him to join us? Or at least tell him I’m uncomfortable with his choice of alternative activity.

He’s never given me any reason not to trust him and he tends to always put my wishes first. This just won’t have occurred to him as an issue.

It’s a bit odd that he’s never mentioned this woman friend. I’d be bothered by that.
You know he hates buffets so it is a bit unreasonable to arrange one saying he needn’t come then feel hurt when he takes your words at face value. That’s not his fault. But I can see why you’re worried about the friend.

I think it’s a bit unfair to pick something you know he hates and tell him he doesn’t have to come if he doesn’t want to and then be annoyed that he doesn’t want to come. Sorry.

I don't think he has done anything wrong.

If my DH didn't see his family often, arranged a meal with them he knew I didn't like and then told me I didn't have to go, I'd take that to mean he would like some time with them without me there and I'd find something else to do instead. I'd assume they would probably spend their time reminiscing about things that didn't include me and would actually be grateful not to have to sit and listen to stories about Great Uncle Fred during The War or cousin Jane and her scandalous lifestyle , especially if id already heard the same stories previously. This used to happen with DH and his mother and I always felt very cut out of the conversations as I obviously didn't share their memories, yet felt rude if I went to do anything else.

I felt the same way. I started taking one whole day for myself before any events because sitting listening to the same stories and memories for hours and having to listen to them talk/gossip about people only DH knows and I have never met in life was tedious. Plus I noticed that there were other in-laws who weren’t always there so why did I need to be and no one had ever mentioned their absence so it didn’t bother them.

Growing up, I didn’t see my aunts and uncles spouses at every day of a visit when they travelled to us.

Tbh, it is considered rude to go on and on about a subject that leaves part of the group out but when it comes to family, in-laws are often expected to simply sit there and listen.

If you look at this objectively, OP.

You arranged a meal out somewhere that you knew he wouldn't like and then told him it was ok if he didn't go. He's taken that at face value and believed you.

You're now worried about how that will look to your family. Which is understandable.

Especially as he has made alternative plans for the day.

A lot of people will offer the, "You don't have to come if you don't want to," clause and feel genuinely OK with it but only for as long as they feel they are in control of that situation. As soon as the other person seems OK with it and makes plans for themselves, they're less comfortable with it because, deep down, they secretly hoped the person would fall in line with the plans. (Or at least have the decency to mope about on their own for a while.)

He will naturally felt less comfortable around your family than you will if he has only met them once before and a 50th birthday meal, at a buffet when you hate them, with a group of strangers all sharing stories etc isn't a comfortable environment to be in.

The fact you specifically arranged the meal somewhere knowing he wouldn't like it says to him that you've not considered his feelings or that it genuinely isn't important to you that he is there. So he feels less impetus to put himself through the discomfort of the social situation in the first place.

It would be different had someone else arranged the buffet but the fact that you wanted to go to this place shows him that you weren't really bothered if he went or not.

if it was a male colleague you may feel differently
plus you have to explain his absence to your family
makes him look odd

just communicate with him

Agreed

More importantly, it's rude to you too @Dancemomma . You're a couple, he should want to meet your family and for them to see you together.

Talk to him. Tell him on reflection you would prefer he was there and that you also don’t like the thought of him spending all day with a single female. It doesn’t mean he has to come with you but it’s important to share feelings in a relationship no? Otherwise how do you get to know who each other really are?

It hurt my feelings, although I can’t necessarily put my finger on why.

It's this.

A lot of people will offer the, "You don't have to come if you don't want to," clause and feel genuinely OK with it but only for as long as they feel they are in control of that situation. As soon as the other person seems OK with it and makes plans for themselves, they're less comfortable with it because, deep down, they secretly hoped the person would fall in line with the plans. (Or at least have the decency to mope about on their own for a while.)

Which would tie in with your comment about not paying for him to do this.

The discomfort you are feeling is a loss of control. You will have had an idea in your head of how he might spend the day if he didn't come with you to the meal.

However, he has made your own plans and you are uncomfortable with that.

Nope. Being in a relationship means doing the family stuff sorry. ' he doesn'tike a buffet ' is a shit excuse - how old is he? 12?

Would you say the same if she'd gone with him to meet his family and he'd specifically requested that they all go for a type of meal that he knew she really dislikes and then told her that it was up to her of she went or not? Would you also think she were rude?

Or would you tell her he was a bit of a dick who hadn't considered her at all in the plans, and it was ovvipus he didnt want her there and to go an have a nice day on her own doing something nice?

Numerous consecutive days of socialising with people you don’t know is exhausting. You told him he didn’t have to come. You just say ‘Jim’s not coming on Monday, he’s meeting someone he knows who lives up here’. I can’t imagine anyone else caring, to be honest.

Out of respect for meeting your family for the first time I would not have said, 'You don't have to come if you don't want to'.
He is behaving rudely towards your parents.

Could you say that you'd love to have him join you and that you're sad he's choosing to give it a miss.
If he still prefers to stay and entertain an old girlfriend then there is not much you can do.

Sums it up.

Does he usually fall into line with your plans and are you usually the person who decides what you are doing? I wonder if your discomfort is actually about loss of control more than that you are actually worried about him meeting someone he used to work with. Suddenly you are in a situation that you didn't expect or design and that is hard for you?

Yes, you're being unreasonable and you know it. "I can't put my finger on why" is because you know there's no rational way to make yourself seem reasonable.

You literally told him he didn't have to come, particularly as you know he's not keen on the serving method. It's completely backwards to then expect him to go against that and insist on coming. I presume at other points in the trip he will be seeing your family.

Catching up with an old friend is a totally natural thing to do if you're visiting the area they live in - especially so if you have a free day on your hands (which he did, because you told him he did). Whether this old friend is a man or a woman is irrelevant, unless you distrust your partner, in which case that's the problem.

If you've only been going out for 18 months of course you won't have heard of all his old friends yet - especially those that don't live where you live and he doesn't see frequently. I'm fairly sure that even after 5 years there were some old friends of mine (some of them were men!) that DP hadn't heard of because they'd moved country and I wasn't in touch with them much - why would I mention them? But if I found myself in their city of course I'd catch up with them.

You said he didn't have to come and that is the end of it. Next time be honest and to pretend to be the cool wife. YABU.

Are you actually seriously saying that men never meet up with male friends and colleagues? Batshit.

So you’ve only been together for 18 months, already live together and you get miffed because he hasn’t yet mentioned a colleague he used to work with. How could he? You’ve not had anywhere near enough time together to know each other that well.
You sound a bit controlling and pretty poor at communicating.

Don’t expect him to know what you want him to do if you actually say the exact opposite.
He likely needs a break and time to himself. Visiting family is stressful. So leave him to it.
You told him he didn’t have to come with you.
If you hadn’t then yes the respectful thing would have been for him to join your family and just tolerate the buffet. But you gave him an out. This is your doing.

The feelings you have are likely because he’s chosen to take you at your word and you don’t like it. Its loss of control wrapped up in jealousy about the friend. That’s probably something you need to work on.

You realise you are playing games don't you?

You told him no need to come.

He took that at face value and has made alternative arrangements with his time and now you are upset.

You're being irrational and control.

If you wanted him there you should have said, he sounds like he'd have gone.

He'll have all the other days with your family but when he makes another plan for himself you want to change the goal posts.

Have a word with yourself.

What's wrong with him having a single female friend?

What's wrong with him having a single female friend?

What's wrong with him having a single female friend?

What's wrong with him having a single female friend?

I am intrigued as to what you thought he'd be doing after you told him he didn't have to come to the buffet. Twiddle his thumbs in the B&B by himself all day?

If I travelled to see DP's family (luckily I'm not called on to do this much as he's not keen on seeing them either) and was given a get-out clause I would jump at it, and the first thing I would do is message any friends or even old acquaintances in the area.