To think he should come to the lunch?

[Dancemomma]

I want to start by saying my partner will always put my wishes first, but I do specifically have to ask him….

My partner and I are travelling to another part of the UK (about 5 hour drive) to visit my family. He’s only met them once as we don’t get there often.

It’s a close cousin’s 50th and a few people are driving/flying down for a long weekend. We’ll stay in a hotel and I’ve paid for DP and I to stay somewhere quite nice.

On one of the days we’re all going for a lunch buffet, a drive away from where my family live. The buffet was my choice as I loved the place when I was younger. We’ll make a day of it with the group while we’re out.

DP is known to hate buffets, and I didn’t think much of telling him “you don’t have to come if you don’t want”.

To be honest I thought he’d come along anyway.

He told me last night that not only was he not coming, he was planning to see a (single) female friend that he used to work with, who happens to live nearby. We’ll be gone a lot of the day so he said he’d “hang out with her for the day” apparently. I’ve never met her and actually never even heard of her

I’m pretty pissed off to be honest. I don’t like the optics of having to tell my family he isn’t coming at all (although originally I told him it was fine), but particularly to spend a day with this woman I’ve never even heard off, who is single by all accounts. And it’s worsened by the fact we rarely see my family and only have a few days with them.

He doesn’t have a jealous bone in this body so it literally wouldn’t cross his mind that this would be an issue. Nor would he give two hoots if I skipped something I didn’t feel like doing with his family.

AIBU to tell him I’ve changed my mind and I’d like him to join us? Or at least tell him I’m uncomfortable with his choice of alternative activity.

He’s never given me any reason not to trust him and he tends to always put my wishes first. This just won’t have occurred to him as an issue.

They never meet Derek from accounts, do they?

Yes, they do 🤣🤣🤣

My partner has on occasion met up with blokes he used to work with. I don't know all of their names and they arent part of his daily life. Admittedly, none was called Derek but...

Don't be a loon.

We have just spent a week with DH's extended family - and everything PPs have said about them trading stories about family/history is spot on and - quite frankly - exhausting. They then sprung another lunch date on us in another city before one part of the family returned to their home country. I opted out of this as I had other things to I wanted do with my one day off from work and DH went with the kids. It was all fine. Spending lots of time with someone else's family who you don't see regularly is hard work. I think opting out of one lunch really isn't a big deal.

You said he’s a nice guy so maybe just be direct with him. Just say look while I said you didn’t have to come I realise I’d really like you to be there. It’s a place I loved as a child and I’d like you to spend a little more time with my family too so you can all get to know each other better. See what he says. If not up for it, could there be a compromise, he sees his friend in the morning for a coffee and then joins?

I get that he took what you said at face value. I also get that he doesn’t like buffets, but one meal can surely be tolerated if it’s important to your partner? And it’s not just about the meal but about seeing your family too. I get that can be a little awkward and not always the best fun when it’s your partner’s (and sometimes when it’s your own family!) but surely that’s something you make the best of? It’s not like you see them that often either. Whatever the conclusion, I do think you should speak to him as it’s important to navigate difficult things and come to solutions together wherever they may be.

Speak to him if you've changed your mind and would really like him there but I would skip buffet restraunts wherever possible too.

Don't be surprised if he's not overly happy to miss out on his current plans to do something he hates.

You said he didn't have to come. He's not. Fine
Female friend I wouldn't have an issue with, but I totally trust DH.

You had it was a long weekend and this is one of the days, with a day out and buffet meal. So is he fully engaging in the rest of the events over these few days? Dinners? Meeting up? If so then I can sort of see that after 18 months, a full three days or whatever of all family stuff might feel quite full on, so maybe this is just a good opportunity for a bit of space away (for you both) since having a newish partner there can also alter the dynamic for you as well as him. Maybe it is too late now since booking made etc but that was the time to say that actually although you put said he didn't need to, you'd really like him there. That's irrelevant of what else he might be doing instead.

You said he didn't have to go. He has took the opportunity to see his friend. If you wanted him to go you should have said before he made alternative arrangements. The fact this girl is single I think is your issue as you have mentioned it rather than saying he is choosing to be with a friend. I would rather stab my eyes than eat at a buffet with everyone touching and sneezing over food

He’s being a bit of a dick really. Not the single friend thing but the not wanting to spend time with your family.

I’d be pissed! So you are paying for the hotel so he will get to meet and spend time with your family and he is treating it as a holiday where he can just head off and hang with friends. He is not thinking of you at all. I would also question if he sees this relationship lasting if he can’t be bothered getting to know your family. Not liking buffets is a stupid excuse - so if he doesn’t get everything handed to him he’s not going, is he generally this self absorbed?

I would ask him for half the price of the hotel or tell him he’s no longer coming if he is just doing his own thing. I would worry about staying with someone with this attitude, like if you have a kid will he skip their activities and performances to hang with friends because kids stuff doesn’t appeal to him? He doesn’t seem to get that in a partnership we do things for each other. A friend of mine dumped her partner because after refusing to go to family events and weddings saying his philosophy is no one should do something they don’t want to do he then expected her to go to his brother’s wedding. She suddenly saw it was all one sided. She is now married with kids and the guy is still going from relationship to relationship. I don’t love going to my partners family, I go anyway and I suck it up, it’s only a few days!

So he’s already spent time with your family over the weekend an, you told him
he didn’t have to go to the buffet. What did you expect him to do? Pine in the hotel room by himself doing nothing because you’d paid for it?

It’s his leisure time as well, that’s precious, you gave him the option of doing something else, so he’s taken that option! He’s not a mind reader. You don’t own him this weekend because you paid for it.

And it’s unreasonable to ask him to change his plan, especially at the last minute and ask him to let someone else down.

You feel because you have paid, that you should dictate what dp does every minute of the trip.

The two of you are visiting YOUR family for a few days, he does not need to be by your side 24 hours a day, esp when it is an ' activity ' he does not like/enjoy.

If you do not trust him, then that maybe says quite a lot about the relationship...

Have you read the actual OP?

If she'd said "it's really important that you come to this lunch" then yes, he should go.

But she said "you don't have to come if you don't want to" (while knowing he didn't like the restaurant). I am unsure why he should still be expected to go?

This, and you've said the buffet place is a 'drive away' how far do you mean? @Dancemomma
Given that he'll already be spending 10 hours in a car for this weekend, I can see why he won't want to be journeying more for something he dislikes!

Definitely don’t do this. If you are honest with him, he could run for the hills. You are being completely unreasonable and on top of that are expecting him to mind read you lack of reasonableness!!

Let him do his thing, you do yours, and enjoy sharing your stories of the day together afterwards.

For me it would be the combination of an old colleague he's never mentioned to you therefore they aren't close and the activity which is just hanging out together for hours on end rather than going and doing something specific or meeting for a quick drink to catch up. What he is choosing to do is quite intimate and that is probably why it's jarring for you.
There's also the fact that he is choosing to spend all day with another woman rather than come and spend time with your family and have lunch which is served in a way he's not keen on. I'm not a fan of buffets either because of the hygiene element and the fact that food is often a bit manky after being left out but I wouldn't choose to spend time with an old colleague I'd never mentioned and hang out with them all day with no real plan as if we were an old married couple or best mates over spending time with my partners family.
I think you need to speak to him and say that actually you do want him there and that you are also uncomfortable with the fact that he wants to spend an intimate day with someone he's never mentioned to you before over being with you and your family at a special occasion.

He's being with her family for the rest of the long weekend. He'll be up to his eyes in family all the rest of the time.

I hate Thai food. If DH drove us 5 hours for an extended weekend with his family, added the 50th birthday of his cousin that I didn't know, AND had specifically chosen a Thai restaurant, then said "you don't have to go if you don't want to"...

Damned right I'd opt for a burrito and a catch up with someone I used to work with instead. Or even volunteer to weed their garden

I think this hits the nail on the head. If he’d said he was going to meet her for a coffee and then he’d head out to explore the town, I’d be ok. But a whole day out hanging out with her feels off.

She lives 5 hours away!
A great opportunity to catch up. Why are you so jealous?!

A day hanging out with an old friend who doesn't live close by any more is a totally normal thing. I've done this countless times. It would be odd to travel 5 hours, have a free day and then only see each other for the duration of a coffee. It doesn't feel off to me and it certainly isn't especially intimate.

This Stop playing games, it doesn't make for healthy relationships

I would be miffed too that he has decided that despite the reason you are going all that way is for a family occasion on your side that he is choosing to meet up with someone else instead of spending time getting to know your family better.

The OP told him he didn't have to go.

I don't knpw about you but if partner saod, "My family and I are all going to this place to eat food you don't like so if you don't want to go, you don't have to," I would just accept that.

And I wouldn't go.

I wouldn't think it was a test of my character or worthiness or wonder if I were supposed to he a mind reader and he didn't mean what he'd said after all.

Utterly ridiculous response.

But by the sound of things they’re spending several days with the OP’s family, over a long weekend for a fiftieth birthday. That’s a lot of unadulterated family for someone who doesn’t really know them. I’d be choosing some time out too, regardless of my feelings about buffets.

He's spending all weekend with them and she told him he didn't have to go if he didn't want to.

I can't see the problem at all.

I don't understand the aversion to buffets. It seems quite irrational. It's not as if it's food your partner doesn't like. What is it that he hates about them?