Don't want MIL's partner near DC

[SpookyTeacup]

DH and I are both in agreement over not wanting MIL's partner anywhere near our baby. Currently pregnant with our first and MIL has been with partner for several months now. There are so many red flags we've both seen and heard, and we've begged MIL to run as we believe he's a very dishonest, potentially very dangerous man.

We keep a close eye on her, it's all we can do, but we're worried about when baby is here and obviously MIL wants to see them/take them round hers. We've no issue whatsoever there, but our concern is if her partner is there as we dont want him around them. We don't know where we'd even begin in bringing it up or, if we can't because we'd push her away, how we'd go about enforcing it without telling her we're doing it.

I would not allow your baby to go to MIL house at all, unless you or your DH are there with the baby at all times. Tell her that she is welcome to visit the baby at your house, but not to bring her fella as you don't like him.

Could you also do a Clare's law search on him? A quick google suggests that not only partners can do this, but also people such as you worried about a relative's partner.

Surely you must be clear with her about your concerns?

"Sorry MIL - but as we've seen / heard ... (list the key red flags) .... there's no question of baby being near him.
You know we love you and that we're very worried about your relationship and we'll do anything we can to help you leave him / be safe. But baby's safety comes first so you'll only be able to see baby when you're at ours without him for the forseeable ."

Sure someone can come up with something more tactful that this - but she needs to get the message clearly and beating round the bush won't get that across.

If she choses him over you and her grandchild, then so be it.

We have been extremely open with her that we don't like or trust him. Last time DH family was here, MIL partner got very aggressive with DH's brother as soon as MIL went to bed. Unlike me, but I ended up raising my voice at him to shut it down before it turned into a fight. The only thing that caused it was that he didn't agree with his opinion and he was wrong because it was opposing his own opinion. I don't want MIL feeling pushed out as my own mother will naturally also want DC to visit/stay.

This is how we're thinking of approaching it, but I think we're nervous as it's one thing having the conversation in your head, it's another actually having it! We scared of isolating her as she needs our support and care more than anything currently.

But she's going to be pushed out isn't she? If she's with a violent, out of control man then you can't sustain her ever having children at hers. Her feeling hurt isn't a reason to put your child at risk.
Presumably there are other issues that suggests he's a risk?

Do you get time with her away from him? Time when you could explore this with her away from him and allow her time to think and talk?

Your MIL makes her bed and she gets to lie in it. If she gets sad because your own DM gets to spend time with baby, you get to just shrug your shoulders and tell her you are the parent and you get to make decisions.

Don’t get into any back and forth, just state your case and leave it there. She will find it very difficult to crack a sad when no one is paying her the attention.

‘If we can’t bring it up’ - you have to. This is your precious child. Feeling uncomfortable doesn’t matter a bit. You need to protect your child

Be honest, tell her the red flags and as pp said use Clare’s Law or anything else that may fit to find anything g out - I’d be worried too, it’s not just hormones it’s a gut instinct which he’s proven with that fight potential incident - does he work?

You're going to have to choose between protecting your MIL or protecting your baby. And only one of those is a helpless child.

But it doesn't have to be harsh or cruel. Your MIL will hopefully hear the love and concern you feel for her. But she is facing a choice herself: if she stays with this partner, it won't mean you love her any less but it will mean she sees less of her grandchild.

DC will under no circumstances be allowed around him. We're both in agreement there. The issue is how we ensure that happens without cutting off MIL.

We never get to see her on her own. He's always around her, unfortunately. On the odd chance we get to talk on the phone, she will go on about the latest 'red flag' behaviour. The latest woman he's forced into their life and brought on dates that he knows every intricate detail about her life, but shes 'just a waitress at a restaurant he's been to', and just so happens to be in love with him too. He is the type of person who I dont believe she would ever be able to break free from easily. He would show up unannounced at hers and likely stalk her.

The major red flag is the death of his ex girlfriend after falling down a flight of stairs after they'd been out together and he dropped her home. We only found out via Google, he's never spoken about it, and it's his only online presence - this news article.

I have considered submitting a request under claires law. Is it anonymous?

Yes
it is anon

He works a very extravagant job. His lifestyle says the complete opposite though. You would expect someone of his 'calibre' and financial situation to have a more extravagant car, home, clothes, etc, but it really doesn't match up at all. He drives a 14 year old car, basic model and nothing that screams 'status'. His house is a 1 bed mouldy flat which MIL only found out through... not so legal means. He refuses to tell her where he lives or let her visit and told her it was a large 3 bed house but he was renovating.

Thank you. I'll have a look in to it

If you tell her that she can't have the baby at her house if he is there, what would happen? Would she get angry/upset and fall out with you both or might she agree and then go behind your back and have her partner at the house without your knowledge?

How old is she and what is her financial situation? Is he trying to scam her?

How long have they been together? I take it she justifies staying with him to you, but how?

I am afraid you’re going to need to advocate for your child and hurt some feelings for the safety of your child. This is about your child’s safety and your initiation as a parent needs to be trusted. Never be pressured into putting your baby in a situation you feel is uncomfortable or unsafe, just to please others or spare an argument.

You have made it clear that this person is a huge red flag. No is a complete sentence in this case. Your MIL knows your feelings on her partner so cant be surprised, even if she is upset by it.

I would limit his visits to her house to when you are present only. I promise this is not an overreaction. My son doesn’t even go to MIL because her property is old and cranky and unsafe, let alone dodgy people!

Your MIL can see him without her partner and that’s as simple as it needs to be. She as a mother should understand, and as a grandmother should put her family first tbh.

This is about as serious as it gets isn't it? Sounds like the Claire's Law application is essential. The fact she'll tell you on the phone when he's presumably not around ,all the details of other women he brings on dates etc suggests she knows deep down this is not right?

Is there anyone else in the family who could help? Even if only to get to see her alone and away from him? It sounds as if she's in an abusive relationship with a possibly very dangerous man and having more of you around to support her might be helpful?

He might not even be around then.

Do a clare's law and just do not give her any unsupervised access ever.

Ultimately (unfortunately) she cant be trusted

Also Sarah’s law re child sex offences and if he’s safe to be around children

This here.

Remember - NOBODY but the child's parents have any right to see your child and your key role is to safeguard your child.