Don't want MIL's partner near DC

[SpookyTeacup]

DH and I are both in agreement over not wanting MIL's partner anywhere near our baby. Currently pregnant with our first and MIL has been with partner for several months now. There are so many red flags we've both seen and heard, and we've begged MIL to run as we believe he's a very dishonest, potentially very dangerous man.

We keep a close eye on her, it's all we can do, but we're worried about when baby is here and obviously MIL wants to see them/take them round hers. We've no issue whatsoever there, but our concern is if her partner is there as we dont want him around them. We don't know where we'd even begin in bringing it up or, if we can't because we'd push her away, how we'd go about enforcing it without telling her we're doing it.

I'd check both Claire's & Sarah's laws. If something shows up you can possibly convince MIL to leave him. But if it doesn't you can still go on gut instinct - he does get to be around your child. She can visit at yours without him. No exceptions.

MIL is trustworthy and would not go back on her word. We have a very good relationship, we're a tight family and very protective of each other. I don't have any concerns of her going back on her word, but I have concerns of him showing up unannounced and inviting himself in. There is a height difference of over a foot between them both, she would be unable to fight him off.

The worst thing is MIL is a very, very strong lady. Normally I would've expected her to tell him to sling it by now as she's no problem speaking her mind, but I can see he's love bombing her with fancy dinners and holidays and then trying to beat her confidence out of her through insults disguised as 'banter'. He's also slowly taking away her independence. She isn't allowed to drive anywhere, he must drive. He invites himself out with her. He constantly stays at her house, and if he's not there is calling/texting/face timing.

I'm very concerned it is a scam as he's trying to manipulate her into marriage. She has made it very clear she has no intention of getting married, but he is telling friends and family they're already 'agreed to be engaged' and has tricked her into getting sized up for a ring by another one of his 'female friends'. They are naturally then always talking to her about when the wedding is, what kind she wants, etc. She keeps shooting them down but there's only so much she can take before she gives in, surely? The fact this man appears to have nothing but brags that he has everything, when MIL does have a decent 'cushion' makes me think he's doing this to get ££.

It's an abusive relationship and I'm hoping she wises up before baby arrives.

As soon as the baby is actually here, her mama bear instinct will come out and she'll have the conversation with no reservations. Having dc makes you protective like nothing else and if mils partner is as bad as OP says then she'll protect her little one asap😊

It’s totally fine to set that boundary. You hardly know the man after all. Dh and I are NC with both MIL’s partner and my mum’s partner (due to their criminal convictions). Our dc are not allowed around them. They are not allowed at their house. We do not go to any family events where they are present. I’m NC with my mum too, but we do see MIL. She visits us at our house or we meet her out for supervised visits.

If this is what you feel comfortable with, it’s absolutely the right thing to do. Trust your gut. Your dh needs to take the lead on this. You need to support him, particularly emotionally when there is fallout, but he needs to have the conversation and maintain the boundaries on behalf of you and your child.

Totally separate from the issues with your baby, absolutely do a Claire’s Law request. They will disclose any concerning history to her, not to you, and offer her support, if anything flags up. They will not tell her who submitted it.

Also, is there an age difference between them? Based on what you’ve said about how scammy he is and his many ‘friends’, I’d be worried about cuckooing. Less likely if he is her age or older, but something to consider if he is younger.

OP, you need to tell MIL that she will have no contact with her grandchild whilst this man is on the scene. I'd be surprised if she chose this bloke over her (first?) grandchild especially once the baby arrives, so you will be doing her a massive favour with this ultimatum.

I think you say that she will always be welcome to see her dgc at your house, but you don't trust her partner. You can't help it, you just can't shake the feeling so that's how it will be. As a mum you need to go with your instinct.

Then leave her to deal with it. It is her choice.

“obviously MIL wants to see them/take them round hers.”

Why would she want to take your baby round to hers without you? There’s no way I’d let my baby out of my sight - and if I had doubts about MIL’s partner, I’d tell her in words of one syllable that while I loved her and was looking forward to her being a grandmother and being involved in DGC’s life, there’s no way you are putting up with her partner, so she can come on her own to see you, or miss out, because there’s no way DGC will be spending time at hers if her abusive, coercive, controlling, pressuring, unreliable, unkind, dishonest partner is around.

Will she need help to get away from him? He sounds very manipulative and forceful. I would be trying to steer her towards Womens Aid, she seems to be out of her depth with him.

Telling her in no uncertain terms that you will be keeping the baby away because of this man - not just "you won't be able to have the baby over at your house" but you will also be avoiding her because of the depth of his cunning, might actually be the kick up the backside to wake up and see this situation for what it is.

I'll definitely be submitting a Clare's Law request. Something didn't sit right about him from the first time I met him.

I'm a domestic abuse survivor and everything I've seen from him so far is everything I saw in my ex. If MIL tries to speak around us, he butt's in over her and tells her off for speaking as its 'his conversation'. Its very strange behaviour. He tries to come across as charming, my mum liked him at first meet until I pointed everything out and since then shes started noticing his behaviour.

I think hes slightly older than her, so definitely not cukooing, but there's definitely something.

She'll be getting a heads up closer to the birth that we don't want him around, but I'm hoping she wises up to him before then.

Its the intentional hiding of his house and refusal to let her round that's got my alarm bells ringing. I'm half expecting severed heads on the kitchen worksurfaces and kidneys in the fridge.

I have no problem letting my child visit their grandparents without me (excluding that man). My mum managed to raise 3 kids just fine so I'm sure my DC would be safe in her hands! I trust both mums to look after my child but my concern is MIL partner and ensuring he isn't there.

I do think she will need help getting away from him, and we are trying to make sure she knows she can talk to us about whatever is happening as the last thing we want is for her to feel alone and trapped with him. I want her to know if she needs to get away then we're here for her every step of the way.

We'll be honest with her that we dont want him around, and I think to make it 'fair' so she doesn't feel victimised, that we tell my mum for now all visits are at our home. She would be disappointed, but she'd understand. At least we can 100% control whether he's around or not.

I guess it wouldnt be an issue for the first couple of years anyway as I wouldnt be leaving DC with anyone whilst they're still a baby.

I think you have to set up a system of seeing her without him, somehow. Could you invite her to a scan or midwife appointment- DH can’t come, will you please?

Then let her know you have a hard line around the baby but that you desperately don’t want her to miss out, so will invite her out with you for various things without him. Maybe a mums and tots group, or women’s exercise class. Warn her that he’ll try and stop her seeing you, and ask her to please try hard to stay in touch.

You may even need an emergency code word- talking about her old friend Heidi for example.

I’m so sorry. It’s an awful worry.

MIL's own choice of a shady as shit partner who could be violent with her kids are what would push her out of your child's life.

Your MIL is not a safe person for your child to be around.

I don't think your mother should be penalized because your MIL makes and continues to choose to be with a coercive, controlling partner.

You can keep lines of communication open with her via your husband.

He sounds like a proper psycho. Like, clinically psychotic.

Two issues…1) you don’t want him around your baby. Totally acceptable and manageable. 2) MIL is probably trauma bonded/refusing to see the problem. That’s more difficult to deal with.

As she’s in an abusive relationship she’s not willing to accept is abusive, confronting her about him may push her away. Might be better to indirectly deal with things, until you know how much of a danger he might be. Have you spoken to her about him? You could maybe ask some pointed questions about what he’s said eg about his house or his job. Do you know what he does? I would have thought it quite difficult to not have an online footprint these days. Even if it’s being tagged in a night out or being at an awards dinner, there’s usually something somewhere.

If he is as I think he is, it’s entirely possible he becomes violent/escalates if she tries to leave him. The suggestion of having a code word is brilliant. Does she know your DV history? If she does, use that to your advantage and say you’re concerned because things are familiar to you and having experienced it yourself etc, etc, etc.

The bringing other women into their relationship is enough for her to end things, but with everything else he definitely needs to be dumped.

Don't make it "fair". Do things exactly as you normally would with your Mum. Don't punish your mum, or your child, for your MiL's choice in partner.

Also tell MIL sooner rather than later that you won't be allowing her partner around your baby.

It may give her the impetus to rid herself of him.

YADNBU

This is your child and you have to trust your gut.

Also remember nobody is entitled to access to your child

I think you should tell her sooner rather than later. It can take time to safely leave a relationship. It may not be as simple as upping and leaving for her. And this may be the impetus she needs to marshal her inner strength.

This is actually a really good idea, thank you. My mum was wanting to attend a scan, but it's a hard no from us as it's our private couple time, but I did suggest doing a private scan if she really wants to see them. I could always invite her along for 'girly time' which would (hopefully) guarantee he wouldn't try and barge his way along. Definitely do not want him seeing me with my top up!

I dont think it's fair to blame her being in a controlling, abusive relationship. A lot of women end up in these situations and are unable to leave for a multitude of reasons - I was one of them. She is a safe person, he is not, which is why for as long as he's in the picture I will keep my child well away.

Not wishing to pry, but does your mum have money or property that he might want to get his grubby hands on? Probably a prudent idea to keep this possibility in mind too, and make sure your mum is aware of the danger too 👍
Wishing you all the best, he sounds more than dodgy.

Absolutely go the ‘Clare’s Law’ route. We used it for my daughter. Thank goodness we did. xx

I wish I could put everything on here that hes said and done because it's absolutely insane but I've probably already said too much to identify myself 😂

We know what his job is. Very high position, very intelligent job. Allegedly. Had no idea where he lives. He refused to tell MIL and used the excuse of renovating. She had to use unsavoury tactics to find out where he lives, and then had someone drive past his address to see what it's like. She didn't want to go herself incase he recognised her car. We've all been there with renovations and I'm sure we'd all be more than happy to grab a paint brush and help our partner out! When they drove past, the property wasn't as he'd described in terms of size, and there was mould all over the windows, curtains pinned up, etc. Really run down, rough looking place. Not somewhere you'd expect someone of his stature to live. The car he drives doesn't match up either.

He's absolutely no online presence. I went on the website for his company and looked at their management tree as I know large companies usually put them up. His name is nowhere on there. There's no linked in account either, which again professionals of his level usually have. I did find other people on there from his company, same job title, though. Weird.

The thing with his ex partner who died is exceptionally strange. They interviewed him in the article, and his recollection of events do not match up to the kind of person he is. He ditched his drunk, unsteady partner at her house and then went back to the bar for more drinks and that's when she fell down the stairs? Who does that to someone they've been with for several years? Then didn't bother getting in touch with her again afterwards except for one text. What was even weirder is a couple of years later, a business is set up from a property 2 doors down from his. Exact same name as this partner who died, except for with an additional name added at the front. They didn't live together, her house was about 30 minutes away from his.

He's extremely controlling when he's around us so I'd hate to think what he's like behind closed doors. BIL also mentioned about him getting aggressive with him before when they were watching TV, asking weird questions about MIL and getting angry when he refused to answer because he just wanted to watch.

She has a decent amount of savings, and had mentioned them buying a property 'when' they get married. I do think he's playing a game to get his hands on it.

"We never get to see her on her own. He's always around her, unfortunately. "

I would keep her away just because of the risk of him just showing up and just barging in and then a violent episode happening. They come as a pair. I think keeping your kids away from him is more important than her feelings of being pushed away. I still don't think your mother should be denied visits in your home because your MIL might feel bad.

I grew up in an abusive home. I get that sometimes women pick staying with their abusers even when their kids are harmed. Her partner's ready to throw hands at her grown sons, his former gf died in possibly suspicious circumstances.

Do that Claire's Law. Ban him. Keep him far away from your kids. If that means MIL doesn't see them, tough. She's in danger and your job is to protect your kids from that. You might not be able to save MIL but you can save your kids from being around him.

If she needs help getting away from him could she come and stay with you for a bit? Perhaps help to decorate the babies room and assemble furniture etc. might even help her find the strength to put this baby’s before him