Don't want MIL's partner near DC

[SpookyTeacup]

DH and I are both in agreement over not wanting MIL's partner anywhere near our baby. Currently pregnant with our first and MIL has been with partner for several months now. There are so many red flags we've both seen and heard, and we've begged MIL to run as we believe he's a very dishonest, potentially very dangerous man.

We keep a close eye on her, it's all we can do, but we're worried about when baby is here and obviously MIL wants to see them/take them round hers. We've no issue whatsoever there, but our concern is if her partner is there as we dont want him around them. We don't know where we'd even begin in bringing it up or, if we can't because we'd push her away, how we'd go about enforcing it without telling her we're doing it.

What an awful situation. It really does sound like he is after her money.
This must be so stressful for you all.
I hope you can get her to see the truth.
My dh step dad is an awful man. Terrible history with police and so on. Hit my dh when he was a young teen a lot.
But mil won't hear a bad word said about him. Anyway when we had kids we decided no sleep overs and one of us would always be with the kids when we visited.
Other then that we tried to get mil to come out with us or to our house alone . So she could see the kids.
It did cause some problems with mil. But we had to put the kids first.

You mentioned dhs brother. Are there other siblings that could present a united front? Also, and im not sure if it's feasible or a good idea, but have you.thought about a private investigator to.look into his claims about his job and where he lives? As that property is as scummy as you say, could it be a front?
I'd be wary about cutting her off, that's what he wants.

You have to be completely straight up with your MIL. She can see the baby at your house and without her partner in tow because you don't like him and find him threatening. No unsupervised access at all because you don't trust her partner. After the behaviour you describe MIL's partner would never be allowed into my house ever again whether she liked it or not.

I wouldn't let her have the baby at her house because there's a high chance of him either being there or showing up at some point. Stop worrying about hurt feelings. Your baby's safety is paramount here.

Do the Clare's Law and Sarah's Law searches too.

Unless you want a full on row (and risking pushing you Mum further into his arms) you need to engineer situations and meetings. ie invite her round when you know he's at work/football/pub/unavailable etc.

Arrange meetings in you own home.

Baby going over to hers - don't discuss it, just don't organise it. Then it won't happen.

Unless he's gone then you can't ask your Mum to babysit for fear that he's come over and 'help'

Hopefully, sooner rather than later, he'll move for more promising pastures.

As a separate, but related issue - It's looking like your mum is being groomed.

I actually forgot about his deceased partner 😱 Those details are all well dodgy. Sounds like you’ve done some good researching. Did you check who the directors etc are of that company? Was there a picture in the news article so you can check it was him? There might be some link via the deceased partner that could give you a potential alternative identity.

From what you’ve said about his job, I’d say he doesn’t actually work there. Do you have any evidence that he does? Why would everyone else be on the company website but not him?

Have you done FB searches?? Found groups he’s on, mentions of him, friends of friends, likes on posts…all of that can give you an idea of who someone is.

Where is your MIL at? Is she accepting that he’s abusive or is she in denial?

OP, have you considered writing a list of all the red flags, arranging a one to one with her and slowly working through the issues, not just random thoughts. I’m sure you would be able to engineer a one to one with her and if she sees how concerned you are about her (don’t mention baby yet) she might see some light.

Are there any of her friends he’s estranged her from ? If there are perhaps you could arrange a follow up with them. You would need to make the meetings made up ‘intimate’ ones where you need her, but he can’t be present. If he won’t allow that then you and your husband can only try via phone.

As other posters have said, try not to cut her off, it seems that’s what he wants. If you could afford a private investigator do you think she would take on what they found ?

My very best wishes.

Your mil is on over her head. Sadly I don't think she would be trustworthy in regard to having dc alone and saying he will stay away. She has no say in her own life does she? Invite her to cafe / or have a car full with just enough seats to pick her up.

Your own past abusive relationship is making you very empathetic with your MIL, but I think the situation is a bit different.

She's not an isolated young woman being made to feel worthless, she's not trapped with children she wants to protect from him, she hasn't had years of put downs - she has a loving family around her.

I think it's a good idea to get her by herself and go through the red flags, especially the problems she's told you about, and the fact that he's physically threathened one of her sons. Maybe having it spelt out will make her realise how awful he is. Letting her know that he won't be allowed anywhere near your baby might be the push she needs.

He sounds quite mercenary, so may go easily to find another victim, but it's a good idea to get advice from Women's Aid on ending the relationship - changing locks, ring doorbell, sons sleeping over for a bit might be necessary.

If she won't break up with him, then you need to tell her that she's always welcome, but he's not. I don't think you should wait till the baby arrives, start now.

Agre with the poster who said he's likely faking his job, just like the house.

I can see why you're worried about your child being near him but I think the much bigger issue is your poor mother-in-law. Does he have a key to her house? Who pays when they go out? Can she check her account and see whether he has accessed them? He just sounded extremely dangerous bearing in mind what happened to his girlfriend. I wonder whether he financially benefited from that.

This. You cannot trust her to let him into her house and there no way of you enforcing that rule.

you need to guard your daughter. Her security should be a priority to you, not Mils feelings.

You said he was asking your BIL weird questions about her. What sort of weird questions, OP?

TBH I'm surprised that you let MIL have contact with your kids. She allowed her husband to hit your DH many times when he was a teenager. Women who put abusive men before their own children are the worst. She doesn't really deserve contact with your children.

It was hard to be fair. But my dh didnt have any other family but his mum and for many years he was happy till she married his step dad.
He moved out at 17 . They have never called the step dad grandad . Or had much interaction with him.
If it was just my choice I would have not seen them .

If you know the company he is supposed to work for, could you phone them up from a withheld number and ask to speak to him? If they don't recognise his name, you will know he doesn't work there. If they say something like he's out of the office today, you will at least know he does work there. If by any chance you got through, you could pretend it's a sales call.

Perhaps if MIL knows he was only pretending to work there, she might see the light a bit.

Sorry I've been quiet - a lot going on this past week with scans, etc!

Yeah, I've done a lot of digging on the news articles and company's house and, fortunately, news articles include street names of where people live so everything matches up.

Had a heart to heart with his mum over the phone regarding everything we found. I mentioned about this new company set up a few doors down from him in the very similar name to his ex who died (bar the first name), and she gasped when I told her the name as it's the first name of his sister! Surely that can't be coincidental!?

She asked why he would do something like that, so I suggested it could be drug/people smuggling, or maybe he runs a prostitution ring. As soon as I said the latter, again something clicked with her. Turns out he had rented out a house for 4 women in a seaside town because 'their mental health' from covid. They just needed a holiday. I asked her if these women were English and she doesn't know about all of them, but one definitely wasn't and he had just randomly met her in London but also she happened to work somewhere near where he lives? What?

So I'm convinced he's either people smuggling and/or involved in prostitution, which would also explain the state of his property as its likely being used as a brothel.

I took people's advice and invited her for a baby scan/shopping day with my mum and told her it's a girls day out so no partners. He'd booked a hotel for them that weekend so she can't make it, but I'll definitely try again with another scan or shopping day.

Told my mum everything and shes extremely concerned and has offered her to stay at hers if she's scared of leaving him.

Safe to say baby will definitely not be going to her house whilst that man is around, nor will he be coming anywhere near this house - baby or not.

About whether he actually liked his mum, that he seemed to prefer his dad, etc. Of course he loves his mum, and if he does prefer his dad I dont think that means he loves his mum any less!

He didn't entertain it and kept telling him that he was just trying to watch TV, but he kept pursuing it with him.

She sounds like a red flag herself. You need to keep your baby away from HER as she will no doubt push her partner to be around your child. Who cares how she feels?? It’s your baby, do what’s best for your child

He will in no way have any access near my child. DC will not be allowed to visit her nor will she be allowed in our house if he turns up with her. Especially not after everything else thats come to light over these last couple of weeks

The Private Investigator is exactly what I would do, no way does he have a high powered job, living in a run down hovel and driving a shit car.
This creep sounds like a bullying con-man and he definitely has ulterior motives with Mil.
You must try to make her see sense, although if the dump of a flat he lives in didn’t convince her, or bringing along his girl friend/accomplice, you’ll have a job on your hands.

Trust your instincts. MIL will not get to see the baby if he’s there, that is her choice.

I think I’d stage an intervention at this point.

Definitely will be an intervention if we can blooming get her on her own!!

I'm going to suggest a shopping trip/girly grandma day and see when she's next available. My mum will definitely try and knock some sense into her - shes recently escaped a relationship with a complete creep too!... who just so happened his ex wife died of mysterious circumstances!

What is it with some of these men 😫

Definitely convinced hes involved in prostitution somehow. Would explain all these young women he knows the life story of!

@SpookyTeacup i wouldn’t be suggesting anything pre planned can you keep on top of his plans in a way and then just drive over to her and pick her up? Anything pre planned he will block. Or call her with an “emergency”? If you speak on the phone can you not call her and say look we have something we need to discuss with you, family matter so please don’t bring x we will pick you up in 20mins? And just go there, get your partner to go and just be be strong if he tries to come with her?