Don’t want to do activities, and disappointed DH - am I ruining his time?

[butyeah]

Our family have been through a recent bereavement of granddad.

He passed away Wednesday. We had a break away planned for a water sports competition with camping. I said to DH on Thursday that I don’t think we should go because we need to offer support to grandma. He was very upset about this, and said he is “losing control of his life” because he didn’t “create” this situation and he needs a break. So I went.

His sister usually comes with us and buddies up with me, but she’s not come this time because she’s not well. So it’s me and our usual group, but I do miss her a lot.

Now we’re here, I just don’t have the energy to do any of the activities. I’ve done bbqs for when the others have finished their activities, and I’ve built a fire and sat with DH and his friends all evening when they’re done.

DH has said he feels disappointed in me because he wants to do the activities with me. I’ve said im sorry but I just don’t want to, but I want him to have a good time. I’ve made a real effort to try to be happy and I am speaking to everyone happily!

He said “you haven’t even tried”, so I did and had a panic attack, left quietly and didn’t make a fuss. He said “we’ve done this millions of times before, what’s different now?” And “we shouldn’t have even booked to come then.” But when we booked I DID want to do it, it’s just now in here I feel flat and it feels wrong being here. I can’t explain why. Me and DSIL go easy when we do this hobby, but DH and friends don’t - they go out deep, fast etc. I don’t like that! But I get why they do, I’m just not that brave!

I feel I’ve made a lot of effort - I came, I’ve given it a go, I’ve accommodated his friends, cooked for them, been supportive with photo taking etc!

Aibu to not do the activities with him? Should I just put on my big girl pants and do it?!?!

Is he always this lacking in compassion?
The fact you went against your better judgement should have been enough for him

Just to be clear, your granddad died Wednesday and your H is upset with you because by the weekend - three days later - you weren't all smiles and rainbows!??

He's an utter, complete, unsupportive and unsympathetic prick of the first order if that's the case.

He’s being a big selfish baby.

You’ve just had a bereavement - remind him of that, tell him to crack of with his mates and stop being so selfish, you need quiet time.

He’s a cockwomble.

I’m sorry you have lost your granddad that must be very difficult for you.

I think your husband is being very unfair making you go when you are grieving and giving you a hard time for not joining in. Is he always this insensitive?

Sorry I misunderstood and clicked yabu. I thought it was his grandad. If it was your grandad he is the completely unreasonable one!

The final straw with my ex was when my Dad died and my ex made it all about him. It really opened my eyes to how unsupportive a husband he was.

Don't make any rash decisions but perhaps a time to reassess.

Go home.

Let him reflect and stand up for your own feelings.

He doesn’t care about anyone other than himself, does he?

What an absolute piece of shit.

Even without the bereavement I wouldn’t get it… if someone doesn’t want to do an activity that’s up to them! It always seems like it’s his way or the high way

Wow he’s really managed to make the death of your grandad all about him, hasn’t he? And you’re married to this prince among men?

If you've not got DC already, I'd be thinking carefully.

If he has a strop when he can't have his own way, he might be bloody difficult when you have small kids.

If it's your relative that died I'd be telling dh to fuck right off. How dare he tell you what to do if you're grieving. Selfish fucker.

‘said he is “losing control of his life” because he didn’t “create” this situation’

This psychobabble bullshit is what selfish people to justify being selfish.

we have 1 DC who’s staying with my mum, I didn’t want to leave him. But the moodiness and door slamming when I said I wouldn’t go was insane. I need to grow a backbone

So your Grandad died and your DH is moaning about you? He should be supporting you for god's sake! Is he always this selfish?

He says he's 'losing control of his life'. I wonder how your grandmother feels about that after losing her husband.

FFS, it's hard to imagine how your husband could actually be any more selfish! He's disappointed you're not having (or pretending to have) a fantastic time for his benefit when you've just lost your grandad? The comments you have quoted are utterly disgusting.

This is a man who will never be there for you through difficult or tragic life events, the sort that would leave you if you became sick or disabled because he "is losing control of his life in a situation he didn't create" (I can't believe he said something so over the top about something so trivial as a weekend away). Have a really serious think about the future of your relationship, especially if you don't have kids yet - you can find someone much better.

So your DM, who's just lost her DF has to babysit for your DH is have a funfilled weekend?

He's done a total number on you.

He’s being utterly, utterly selfish. That he’s got you questioning your ‘reasonableness’ in this scenario speaks volumes. Oh and he’s ’disappointed’ in you? Fuck him! I’m disappointed for you being married to such a self-centred prick!

Is your mum grieving right now or is it your dad’s dad and your parents are not together? If she’s grieving and your son is with her so he can have this trip that is shocking.

Your mum has to babysit all weekend when she’s just lost her dad or FIL so that your husband can go fucking windsurfing?

Absolutely shameful. Go home

It’s my dads dad, but even then, I said I wanted to be with my DS.

Now I’m here I just don’t want to play the games. What’s the problem with that? In compromising even being here.

Moodiness and door slamming? Oh, hell to the no. Don’t put up with that nonsense for a minute. Can you go home now or are you stuck there?

This.

He thinks he’s losing control of his life because you didn’t want to come on holiday? losing control of you, his cook, it sounds like. What a dick. I’d reassessing the entire relationship.

How does he usually react in times of crisis or when you need support?

OP, he is being very selfish. He hasn't considered your feelings at all.
I hope you get home soon, I'm sorry for your loss, look after your grandmother on your return.
I take it really harshly, if on the rare occasion I need compassion and it isn't forthcoming.
I find it difficult to forgive.