Don’t want to do activities, and disappointed DH - am I ruining his time?

[butyeah]

Our family have been through a recent bereavement of granddad.

He passed away Wednesday. We had a break away planned for a water sports competition with camping. I said to DH on Thursday that I don’t think we should go because we need to offer support to grandma. He was very upset about this, and said he is “losing control of his life” because he didn’t “create” this situation and he needs a break. So I went.

His sister usually comes with us and buddies up with me, but she’s not come this time because she’s not well. So it’s me and our usual group, but I do miss her a lot.

Now we’re here, I just don’t have the energy to do any of the activities. I’ve done bbqs for when the others have finished their activities, and I’ve built a fire and sat with DH and his friends all evening when they’re done.

DH has said he feels disappointed in me because he wants to do the activities with me. I’ve said im sorry but I just don’t want to, but I want him to have a good time. I’ve made a real effort to try to be happy and I am speaking to everyone happily!

He said “you haven’t even tried”, so I did and had a panic attack, left quietly and didn’t make a fuss. He said “we’ve done this millions of times before, what’s different now?” And “we shouldn’t have even booked to come then.” But when we booked I DID want to do it, it’s just now in here I feel flat and it feels wrong being here. I can’t explain why. Me and DSIL go easy when we do this hobby, but DH and friends don’t - they go out deep, fast etc. I don’t like that! But I get why they do, I’m just not that brave!

I feel I’ve made a lot of effort - I came, I’ve given it a go, I’ve accommodated his friends, cooked for them, been supportive with photo taking etc!

Aibu to not do the activities with him? Should I just put on my big girl pants and do it?!?!

So you have to supress your feelings, plaster a smile on your face and do everything your partner tells you to do, putting his thoughts and feelings first at all times, otherwise you get punished? This is abuse, OP.

You are not being unreasonable but you are being too nice. Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

This is abusive.

I would honestly end my marriage over this.

How far are you from home?
I would go home.
Do not ask, TELL him you’re going home.

He's shown his true colours now and you can't unsee them. He is a selfish twat with no empathy. I'd be completely re-thinking my marriage.

Not only has he shown you no support and basically bullied you into attending, he is criticising you for not being the life and soul of the party a couple of days after your have lost your grandad. He's an utter disgrace.

This it is really bad. Go be with your son

What a horrible , horrible man…..I’m sorry for the loss of your grandad , bless you xxx

You’re grieving, he shouldn’t be moaning. I’m sorry for your loss.
Look after grandma when you get home, maybe send flowers now? Whilst you’re away, so she knows you are thinking of her.

I’d be packing up and going home. If he wants to stay, I’m sure he’s adult enough to find his own way back.

One thing social media has really excelled at is giving people the language to justify their selfishness.

Any human being who gives a shit about the feelings of the fellow humans with which they live would know the activity, however long-planned and eagerlyanticipated, would have to be cancelled. That's basic decency. This is your grandfather we're talking about, not some acquaintance.

So your grandad died and your dh is having a bitch fit and making everything about himself? What a selfish piece of shit.

Your grandfather has passed away! Of course you don’t want to do this stuff. He is beyond selfish. I am furious on your behalf.

I used to be married to a man like this, so believe me when I say that he's not interested in compromise. He views anything less than your complete capitulation as his defeat. He comes first with himself and also wants to come first with you, always, even before your own needs and feelings.

He says he's "lost control of his life" but he seems to be in control of your life.

I wish you the courage and strength to fix this power imbalance. Good luck!

Your grandfather just died a few days ago. Days. Not weeks.

Was he really expecting you would just forget about it so he could have his fun without any consideration for how you feel? Because that's what it sounds like and that's really selfish and uncaring of him. You're supposed to be putting on a big front so he can pretend he's not being a self centered dick. You're cooking for his friends.

He's annoyed that you're grieving.

This is not a person you can ever count on for support when life it at its worst.

I would give him something to really be annoyed about.

What a trash dude.

I am also wondering if he has ever experienced bereavement himself. Given his capacity to make OP’s bereavement all about him and his needs I can imagine he won’t be as stoic as he demands of OP if and when he is bereaved himself. “Losing control of his life”? More like losing self-control because he hasn’t got his own way. I don’t know how old he is but he sounds very emotionally immature even if his mother thinks he’s a brave little soldier.

I do think you need to change your response to the sulking and door slamming. You’ve already complied with him a great deal yet it’s still not enough for him is it? I would be having some harsh words when home about his selfishness and the lack of support. I would respond to his next toddler paddy with silent, emotionless grey rock defiance and have no communication with him when he is throwing his toys out of the pram and don’t shift from your decision. Easier said than done I know but he needs to cry it out while you get on with being the adult and coercive paddy-throwing needs to stop working for him.

I don’t know if this is the first time he’s done this over something big? Personally a lack of compassion and complete self-centredness is a deal-breaker for me and it would concern me that when life inevitably dishes up other big challenges and difficult circumstances in the future it will always, always be all about him and not about being a partnership or a parent.

Why are you the skivvy doing the bbqs and the fires? Why can’t husband just crack on without you if he’s not spending the time with you anyway? If you want to go be with your child / mother / gran just go. Your husband sounds like an insensitive arse. He’s also behaving like a child running to complain to his mummy. There’s more red flags here than a communist parade.

He's only thinking of himself, not you nor your family. I'd go home now, saying your family need you and that's where you want to be

Another time suggest she goes with him as he isn’t sufficiently mature to go away on his own, let alone consider his family.

Then you and your family can have a peaceful weekend without being hectored by a self absorbed, manipulative arse who slams doors to get his own way.

Why are you with this person?

He’s totally lacking in consideration and compassion. Sounds like he’s abusive, actually, forcing you to participate in something you didn’t want to do. Can you leave and go home? I definitely would. I can’t believe he’s so uncaring your needs.

I think the death of grandad is not the main issue here. Your DH is wanting you to do something that is way out of your comfort zone. I imagine it's something perhaps like surfing (when you say they go out "deep and fast") or white water rafting perhaps? Those activities are not without danger and they need skill. I imagine you and DSil potter around in the shallow end but he now expects you to be a fully fledged, high octane surfer (or whatever). Well it's not like going ten pin bowling ffs! He's being a prize cunt, regardless of any bereavement, and insisting you to do something that could harm you and against your best interests. I should reconsider your future OP.

He’s a selfish prick.

my usual question.....what does he bring to the party?

What a colossal prick your husband is. Can you just pack up and go home now and leave him to it?

My dad was like this to my mum after her brother died. He felt ok and so he expected my mum to just be ok, and when she wasn’t it made him so annoyed, she was sad at Christmas, wanted to stay home but he insisted we go out. She got a bit too drunk and needed to go to bed in their friends house where we’d spend Christmas Day. We went home and he ranted at me all the way home telling me she had ruined Christmas and was so selfish. I remember thinking (at 14) her brother has just died, you made us go out and now you’re ranting and raving - you’ve ruined Christmas.

My dad was also an a controlling and sometimes physically abusive twat to my mum. I hope your DH isn’t like him but the fact he has no empathy for you and is nitpicking reminds me of my dad

moodiness and door slamming

Wow. I’m quite speechless, and for me that’s quite something.

your husband’s lack of empathy and consideration for your feelings is …… honestly I cannot readily find a word that seems adequate.

I am guessing this kind of behaviour is not entirely unusual, @butyeah ?

I really think you need to seriously consider your options, because this is who he is, and he won’t change.

I don’t think this is what you want for yourself or your child?

Personally a lack of compassion and complete self-centredness is a deal-breaker for me and it would concern me that when life inevitably dishes up other big challenges and difficult circumstances in the future it will always, always be all about him and not about being a partnership or a parent.

I totally agree.