Don’t want to do activities, and disappointed DH - am I ruining his time?

[butyeah]

Our family have been through a recent bereavement of granddad.

He passed away Wednesday. We had a break away planned for a water sports competition with camping. I said to DH on Thursday that I don’t think we should go because we need to offer support to grandma. He was very upset about this, and said he is “losing control of his life” because he didn’t “create” this situation and he needs a break. So I went.

His sister usually comes with us and buddies up with me, but she’s not come this time because she’s not well. So it’s me and our usual group, but I do miss her a lot.

Now we’re here, I just don’t have the energy to do any of the activities. I’ve done bbqs for when the others have finished their activities, and I’ve built a fire and sat with DH and his friends all evening when they’re done.

DH has said he feels disappointed in me because he wants to do the activities with me. I’ve said im sorry but I just don’t want to, but I want him to have a good time. I’ve made a real effort to try to be happy and I am speaking to everyone happily!

He said “you haven’t even tried”, so I did and had a panic attack, left quietly and didn’t make a fuss. He said “we’ve done this millions of times before, what’s different now?” And “we shouldn’t have even booked to come then.” But when we booked I DID want to do it, it’s just now in here I feel flat and it feels wrong being here. I can’t explain why. Me and DSIL go easy when we do this hobby, but DH and friends don’t - they go out deep, fast etc. I don’t like that! But I get why they do, I’m just not that brave!

I feel I’ve made a lot of effort - I came, I’ve given it a go, I’ve accommodated his friends, cooked for them, been supportive with photo taking etc!

Aibu to not do the activities with him? Should I just put on my big girl pants and do it?!?!

He sounds so selfish and lacking in empathy, as you’ve said even without the bureavement it doesn’t make sense.

He should be grateful you are participating in your own way. You shouldn’t have came at all tbh

Go home. Be with your family. Right this minute. How is everyone else around you on this trip not utterly appalled at this? You should be with your loved ones and he should be doing EVERYTHING to facilitate that.

This is shocking. Is he having a depressive episode or something (not that that would excuse it)?

Another selfish little man child. I’m tired of reading about them.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your grandad. You didn’t have to go on the trip with your partner but he should be extremely grateful that you did! Don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing!

He sounds very controlling, even his comment about losing control of his life because a situation happened that he didn't create, yes this happens in life when you are in a family! Bereavements happen, last minute changes to plans.

For him to then have you go and STILL control by policing your mood is a piss take, how uncompassionate can someone be!? You aren't a puppet dancing to his whim. I'm very sorry for your loss and hope you get some headrace to grieve properly soon, instead of having to please your husband and his friends.

He was very upset about this, and said he is “losing control of his life” because he didn’t “create” this situation and he needs a break. So I went.

Why didn’t he at least just go on his own if he was that determined to go?

Ideally he would have cancelled the trip and stayed back with you, but if he really did feel he “needed” this break why drag you along? Why did you go along? Did he pressure you?

I think there are bigger issues in your marriage than this specific holiday if you aren’t able to say no to going away on a trip following a family death.

Also what he was saying here if you read between the lines is that he is losing control of YOU and your life and he doesn’t like being challenged or asked to make any compromises.

Does he always boss you around?

This reminded me of my ex…….when my BIL died suddenly I was really upset. My sister was left with two very young boys, I desperately wanted to support her in any way I could and all my ex said was ‘he’s dead, get over it’ .

He said that I should take my mind off it. I wasn’t close to my grandad (family is estranged in lots of ways), it’s more the drama that followed the bereavement. I want to be with my DS. DHs mother was getting involved too saying “oh DH has been stressed lately, why don’t you just go and take a break?” So I felt pressured to come. I’ve come and this is the most I can give, and he’s still annoyed.

Has he ever lost a loved one, is he completely lacking in
compassion and empathy?

DH sounds awful.

I’m guessing he doesn’t do things that interest you but not him?

Sorry to hear his mum sounds awful too. She was purely focused on her son’s needs and probably didn’t give your feelings a second though.

Lesson to take from this is next time try and honour your feelings and needs . Don’t let him - or his family -browbeat you into anything.

He is happy enough to say no to you and put his feelings and “needs” first. Going forward you must consider your own well-being in decision making because he isn’t. There’s no prizes for being a martyr in these situations.

I wouldn't put up with that guilt-tripping, selfish, sulking behaviour from a 5 year old. This specimen is actually your husband?! He doesn't even like you! Doesn't even think you're a separate person from him. You're just his possession, his security blanket, his mummy. You exist to make him feel good.

Do you think he can change if this is talked about honestly & thoroughly? If not, get rid of this utter wanker.

He is bullying you.

Look up emotional abuse on uk government website or even your local council, Relate, Women's Aid, Refuge, Citizen's Advice etc etc . They will all describe your husband as an abusive man.

Then go see a solicitor to find out your legal rights. Especially before he starts bullying and abusing your joint child.

What a horrible, obnoxious, selfish person he is. I'd go home and start looking at my options for leaving. You deserve better than this.

I don’t understand why he couldn’t go without you?

That’s terrible behaviour from him. He’s a bully. I’d be going home. So sorry for your loss x

What’s he giving you? You’re stressed and unhappy, so what support is he providing? Or is it only his ‘stress’ that matters?

I genuinely don’t need any more information to know that this is a profoundly unhealthy and inequitable relationship. Both his actions and your reactions to them make that clear. You do not have to live like this.

He isn't good on empathy, is he? It is hardly mysterious why you are feeling less like joining in that usual. You are grieving the death of your granddad. He sounds selfish and self-centred.

Op, go home, spend time with your grandma. Mute him on your phone if needed, he seems the last person you need in your life when you’re struggling. He only accepts the version of you that supports him in everything. You say you get on with your sil- message/call her and tell her he is mad because he wants you to be upbeat and not grieving, and he wants you to jump into the activities at his level not the usual way you do it, and you can’t do either of those things, you only turned up to keep him happy. Maybe sil can pull some leverage with the family that he’s being a dick.

I have no advice OP other than to prioritise yourself and not let yourself be browbeaten. Your husband is absolutely unreasonable.

2 things stood out for me. Your husband saying he is “losing control of his life” because he didn’t “create” this situation and he needs a break.
What? And you DID create it or what? You are somehow in control where he is not? What an absolutely asinine and unsympathetic response.

From MiL “oh DH has been stressed lately, why don’t you just go and take a break?”
What? Good job you only had a death in the family to contend with rather than something REALLY stressful like your poor hubby has to deal with! FFS!

Personally I’d make a point and just go home to your child. I’d tell him (DH) you have bent over backwards trying to prioritise him and his desires but he is totally unreasonable and won’t give an inch so why bother. Until he stops being so selfish you will prioritise yourself because it is clear he won’t.

And then I would. For a while. I bet this is not the only time he expects you to act as his support human to live his best life. Stop, until he starts being grateful for a change.

Fucking prick

I know you said you weren’t close to your Grandad - as if you don’t need to grieve.
But a bereavement when you didn’t have a straight forward relationship can be very difficult. The relationship can never be improved or fixed.

Your husband is awful. Just a self obsessed twerp who views you as nothing more than an accessory to his life.
I hope at some point you recognise that you deserve so much better.

You should have stayed at home because you felt the need and he should have gone on holiday.

He's awful. Go home now. And while he's still away talk to a divorce solicitor. You'll be better off without him

It doesn’t matter how close you were with your grandad, close bereavement always makes us to reevaluate things, to think about past and future.
Your DH is very wrong, and his mum shouldn’t have interfered. I bet she would think differently if it was her side of the family.