To expect to find someone who doesn't just want sex?

[Darkrod3]

Long story short. Been single for 3 years. Previously in a 20 year relationship/marriage. Never did the whole OLD as it wasn't thing back then. Spent 2.5 years single just enjoying my kids. Got a bit lonely on a Friday and Saturday evening, so I thought I'd give Tinder a go. Worse mistake of my life! The amount of time wasters, conversations that fizzle despite them popping up first.

I met one man I actually caught feelings for, he turned out to be a narcissist who played weird mind games and used this push pull technique to keep me hooked. The whole thing only lasted 4 months but he made me so ill I had to have therapy. Too much to go into.

second man I met was weird, never had a relationship and he was nearly 40. He was very introverted that's why he said he couldn't maintain relationships. I had sex with him on the first date, as I wanted to and liked his company. Problem was I made it my goal to bring him out of his shell, I took him places I don't think he wanted to go, as I was always the one contacting him to make plans. In the end he started getting overwhelmed I actually suspect he has some form of autism. He become mean picking me up on small things on my behaviour and appearance, when I snapped and said a few things back he blocked me.

anyway spoke to my therapist and she said I need to go for someone normal. I matched with a guy, he was very sweet, told me his ex had cheated on him. Listened to all my stuff attentively, invited me back to his, he didn't try to have sex, weirdly enough was showing me around his house. Very house proud. Pen to paper he should be someone I should go for, he has a lovely house, good job, he listens but I wasn't attracted to him. He would text daily saying morning and asking how my day was. Problem was he would text me first then reply hours later. Anyway I thought give him another chance to see if attraction grew. We went for a walk in a park and a drink, we chatted. At the end of the date no hugs, I got no vibe from him that he liked me. I still didn't fancy him. Anyway he messaged all week then asked how my night out was, I replied and he never text back again. I thought best to leave it. But was a bit annoyed, as seemed rude!

so my therapist said I need to start telling people I don't find them attractive, to stop people pleasing as I have all these men on WhatsApp that keep popping up randomly just to chat.

so a few weeks later I messaged the nice man to say I didn't think there was a connection and I guess he didn't either but asked his advise on online dating. He agreed that I was cool and he liked my company but didn't feel a connection. Anyway he asked if I'd go for a walk again as friends. I agreed.

met him and he looked really fit. I don't know if it's because there was no expectation anymore or what it was. He complemented me and said I looked beautiful. Anyway he started talking about his ex and how she wouldn't be intimate with him, I said you mean "sex" we both laughed. Then I seen him differently.

I text him when I got home saying I found him really fit today and the sexual side was nice as that what was lacking first two dates as I'd friend zoned him. He said the same. So he invited me to his house Friday, we watched a movie, drank wine and had sex. Prior to that he was taking about not wanting a full on committed relationship (straight away) as he likes his alone time to do his own thing or visit his family. There was hypothetical chat like if we started seeing each other, it would be casual as see how it goes from there. Which seemed normal to me. I get overwhelmed at the thought of jumping into a mad, full on relationship.

We had sex and it was good, definitely seen a different side to him. We cuddled for ages and every-time I tried to leave, he asked me to stay longer. He messaged me a few times (always first) yesterday saying he enjoyed the company and telling me about his day and asking about mine. I asked if he wanted to go to the cinema mid week and he said he will get back to me as he will need to look what's on.

He so far hasn't messaged me today, normally always a good morning text: I'm so annoyed! I feel used for sex, like it's a bit obvious he doesn't want to do anything that's not sex related. Otherwise he'd have just said yes straight away. I literally give up. I'm really sad.

Im attracted naturally to emotionally unavailable men, then when i give the nice ones a chance they are no different. So am I being unreasonable to tar all men with the same brush, whether they start off as nice or toxic they all just want one thing!

(sorry I've only just worked out OLD means Online Dating).

Good luck I guess

It’s tough out there.
Have you any female friends you can go out with. See what’s out there, not OLD
If I was single again I wouldn’t bother with those apps
wouldn’t be my thing.
Just go with the flow!
Good luck 🤞

Reminded of the time Leslie Jones said that there should be an app where all the leftover men should go there and the app should be called “What’s Left”.

I’m divorced 18 months and OLD terrifies me, because of stories like yours OP. When I was dating my ExH it was 2000 and the apps were weird but not as weird as now. My plan is to do it the old fashioned way, by expanding my social circle, and hopefully not picking a weird one that way. I live in hope.

Easiest way to find someone who doesn’t just want sex is to not have sex so early on.

I think you probably need to spend more time in therapy doing self work and less time on dating apps and sleeping with men you’ve met on there after only a couple of dates.

With kindness - you don’t seem very self aware.

Could it be that he’s waiting to see if you message him first for a change? It all sounds a bit mind game ish.

But everything you did indicated you also wanted sex. You slept with the second guy on the first date - absolutely no judgement from me, I'm happy to do the same if I want to. And then the third one - it fizzled out, you pursued him then slept with him. Like I say, I wouldn't judge you for sleeping with the whole England rugby team if you want to, but if you want something other than sex, sleeping with people is a tad contradictory.

I agree with this. No judgement whatsoever from me, have sex with whoever you want to & however many people you want to, as long as it’s all consensual and not hurting anyone, good for you. But if you want more than sex then I think you’re going about things the wrong way.

Men and women are different. Men are wired to spread their seed and women release oxytocin when they have sex which bonds them to the man as , since the dawn of humanity to about 1968 you could ve pregnant! If you cannot/ don't want to override this natural response intellectually then please wait to have sex until he us in love/ committed to you. This will weed out all the ones who are just not that into you and save your feelings. Men wanting to have sex with you isn't a compliment ( listen to your mother) 😁.

In a very similar situation to you OP. End of a long relationship 3 years ago, and I think I was a little naive and unaware of the OLD world until I went onto it.

I too was with a narcissistic man after my marriage ended, it went on for longer than 4 months but nearly destroyed me and left me in therapy too.

I think this, and what you’ve said in your post likely means you’re an empath who puts other people’s needs and wants ahead of your own. I am the same but am learning to work on this as there are a lot of men who want to take from you online (sexually or otherwise).

There are plenty of men on there who seem nice, but often love bomb or come on too intense too soon. In honesty it’s sometimes easier to deal with the ones who are open about just wanting to get their leg over… But equally there’s some who will act like they want more.

It’s almost impossible to meet people in the real world these days. I went to a family festival a couple of weeks back and was approached by two men (separately) who seemed lovely, but as the conversation progressed they both admitted their wife/girlfriend was there with them?!

From now on, I’ll be going on dates with zero expectation, no more making too much effort, no more investing too much interest or anything into their lives until I’ve gotten to know them, keeping a healthy distance emotionally and physically until I’m ready, and just taking it for what it is.

Wishing you all the best OP

Haha yes, some abbreviations confuse me and I have to google them

That is true but they all pretty much do and not gonna lie, I love sex. So it's just annoying, I wish we could just love sex together exclusively 😂

I did think I'm just gonna say good morning first and so funny he'd messaged me good morning the exact same time. He has sent me photos that he's been hill walking. Maybe he just likes his own space and not mad on texting. I text back super fast as I'm ajways on my phone.

texting fast doesn't mean I'm interested in someone, I literally text back fast to everyone. Texting back slow could mean their style, I just always assume lack of interest that's the issue..it just confuses me when they always start the convos. Like if you're not feeling it, leave me alone! 😂

Haha thank you. I net my husband and had sex with him on the first night. I snuck out and didn't think any more of it. I just wanted to get home as I knew I'd be in trouble with my mum. 🤣 he tracked my number down as thought I was rude not saying bye and said he felt used. 😂

I get what you're saying. I noticed that after I've had sex with all 3 of these men I feel more towards them. I think part of me wants to be the independent single mum that can have casual sex but I don't think that's all I want, I kind of hope I guess I like someone then they like me and it develops slowly. It's totally different dating in your 40s to when I met my husband as a youngster. The world is very different now too. For the worst!

Thank you. I'm glad you get it. I am naive, I thought oh tinder will be a laugh, I'll match with someone go on a few dates and we will end up together 🤣🤣🤣 now I know what it's like I realise how stupid I was. Back in the day that was the natural progression, you are attracted, you go out and end up together.

I just think people have too many options now, it's a bit like a conveyor belt. People, me included speak to so many people that obviously conversations are gonna fizzle out as I or them probably prioritise someone else. I'm just a people please though, so even if I'm not feeling it, I'll still keep chatting. This is where I'm going wrong. My therapist said o need to just say " no connection" or spark and there is nothing wrong with that. I ajways overthink and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I think that's why a lot of people ghost, to not have to have that convo.

I know where I'm going wrong and do need to start making small changes, as you say no expectations. A lot of men have told me that women are no better though and they often don't respond. Do you know what I find funny? a lot of men now have boundaries and will tell me they will just unmatch or block someone if they take too long to respond or aren't feeling it. I need to start acting more like these men I think 🤔

I hear everything you’re saying @Darkrod3… I think we need to think like a woman and date like a man (without giving anything up too soon) which I struggle with because I genuinely love sex but the fact is there is a whole tranch of men who see it as a “goal” to have sex and nothing beyond that.

I look at my ex husband and for the first 8 years of our relationship he was brilliant but now is someone I don’t recognise anymore and the way he speaks about women just disgusts me, and yet these women seemingly keep going back for more!

My brother is a good looking man who has never struggled to meet women… and he has confirmed to that men always want what they can’t have. As a result I’m going attempt to hide my empathy, be a lot more aloof and less expecting in dating and see where that goes. For what it’s worth I was dating someone a few weeks back, I wasn’t really feeling it but felt I “should” because he ticked so many boxes… and he couldn’t get enough of me, and yet I’m sure if I’d been chasing him he wouldn’t have been so keen. I did eventually call it a day as I knew it wasn’t right for me.

We are strong independent women who have our children… so unless these men can bring value to our lives, then let’s be quicker to show them the door (message to myself as much as it is to you!)

Aww that's actually true. The bit I'll never get is how you can speak for ages, have sex, snuggle with someone but not develop feelings. I can understand a quick you know what. But that's where it all gets messy. I assume that men do like to text as maybe they are bored and it's something to do. I definitely don't think they sit around waiting on our reply though. It's just when it's convenient for them.

like this bloke texts me every morning, so my head would be like " well he must think of me when he wakes up" he's probably thinking " I'll text her just enough to keep her on the back burner if I'm bored at the weekend" 🤦‍♀️ that's what I mean, there are differences to men and women no matter how much we think we have bridged the gap. If im not feeling someone a lot. I'd definitely do as you did and end it. I couldn't have sex with someone I'm not keen on.

made me laugh the other day, I kept seeing occasional women on my tinder so I swiped right on one. She said hi, I told her I was straight but asked why she was sowing on mine. She had accidentally put herself down as being male so went to change it. She told me she was bisexual and said if I ever changed my mind to reach out. 😂😂😂😂 nice to know if I do lose the will to live with men completely, I can pull attractive women.

Haha! I had a guy like that recently, I’d get the good morning messages and then nothing for hours… I found myself feeling “oh wow I’m the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up”. Truth is he was probably bored and having his morning coffee and once he was at work, I was far from his mind. These men can’t keep up the act for long, and some may disagree, but there’s a reason why a lot of these men are single or why they’ve never had a proper relationship by the age of 40. Women don’t hold men to the same standard that men do women. We aren’t looking for a perfectly chisled God (even though that would be nice!) but well kept, good manners, respect and consistency are a good place to start, and so many fall at the first hurdle, the problem is that women like us (or who we were because we were changing 😉) see the best in them and think we can bring the best out of them.

haha, maybe dating women would be easier?! I can’t lie- I’ve considered it!!

I was going to say something rude but I'll contain myself. 😜

yes I agree completely. Well the narcissist one cheated on his pregnant girlfriend by arranging a threesome with two Romanian women. 🤦‍♀️ so no hope for him, I contacted his ex as I wanted ti know who I was dealing with as he was incredibly toxic. She said he used to be on swingers sites etc and would gas light her.

yes I've always had that " I can possibly change them" mindset. Which has never done me any favours. I know I can't.

this new one, fair enough his ex was wrong to cheat and by his account he'd been a mug and let her move into his house, whilst she made money on hers, he never took a penny off her. I wonder if her account would be the same, I doubt it! 🤦‍♀️ I can't go around contacting everyone's ex's though, I'm coming across as a stalker 🤣

maybe the lesbian route is the way forward. I bet women aren't much better.

You sound completely all over the place.
Therapy first (maybe try someone new).
Dating after.

In what way, elaborate please! This is how dating is pretty much for everyone now. Until
you have tried it, you'll never know.

It's dumb but if you put out too fast some (not all) men don't consider you a serious option.

I think if a man really likes you, he'll stick around whether you have sex with him on the first date or you wait until the fifteenth date. But, I think the easiest way to weed out the ones who only want sex is to wait. They'll get bored after a while, the guys who are serious won't.

I agree with this. I think it's probably the same for men and women if I look at the behaviour I allowed with the narcissist just because I liked him was crazy. I know that's probably a trauma bond but still. I've seen men behave like mugs for awful women.

to the people who say wait, men will literally just move on, that's what they are literally looking for, not that I'd ever have sex with a man to stop him leaving. I've only ever had sex because I've wanted to.

I agree with this. I think it's probably the same for men and women if I look at the behaviour I allowed with the narcissist just because I liked him was crazy. I know that's probably a trauma bond but still. I've seen men behave like mugs for awful women.

to the people who say wait, men will literally just move on, that's what they are literally looking for, not that I'd ever have sex with a man to stop him leaving. I've only ever had sex because I've wanted to.