Long story short. Been single for 3 years. Previously in a 20 year relationship/marriage. Never did the whole OLD as it wasn't thing back then. Spent 2.5 years single just enjoying my kids. Got a bit lonely on a Friday and Saturday evening, so I thought I'd give Tinder a go. Worse mistake of my life! The amount of time wasters, conversations that fizzle despite them popping up first.
I met one man I actually caught feelings for, he turned out to be a narcissist who played weird mind games and used this push pull technique to keep me hooked. The whole thing only lasted 4 months but he made me so ill I had to have therapy. Too much to go into.
second man I met was weird, never had a relationship and he was nearly 40. He was very introverted that's why he said he couldn't maintain relationships. I had sex with him on the first date, as I wanted to and liked his company. Problem was I made it my goal to bring him out of his shell, I took him places I don't think he wanted to go, as I was always the one contacting him to make plans. In the end he started getting overwhelmed I actually suspect he has some form of autism. He become mean picking me up on small things on my behaviour and appearance, when I snapped and said a few things back he blocked me.
anyway spoke to my therapist and she said I need to go for someone normal. I matched with a guy, he was very sweet, told me his ex had cheated on him. Listened to all my stuff attentively, invited me back to his, he didn't try to have sex, weirdly enough was showing me around his house. Very house proud. Pen to paper he should be someone I should go for, he has a lovely house, good job, he listens but I wasn't attracted to him. He would text daily saying morning and asking how my day was. Problem was he would text me first then reply hours later. Anyway I thought give him another chance to see if attraction grew. We went for a walk in a park and a drink, we chatted. At the end of the date no hugs, I got no vibe from him that he liked me. I still didn't fancy him. Anyway he messaged all week then asked how my night out was, I replied and he never text back again. I thought best to leave it. But was a bit annoyed, as seemed rude!
so my therapist said I need to start telling people I don't find them attractive, to stop people pleasing as I have all these men on WhatsApp that keep popping up randomly just to chat.
so a few weeks later I messaged the nice man to say I didn't think there was a connection and I guess he didn't either but asked his advise on online dating. He agreed that I was cool and he liked my company but didn't feel a connection. Anyway he asked if I'd go for a walk again as friends. I agreed.
met him and he looked really fit. I don't know if it's because there was no expectation anymore or what it was. He complemented me and said I looked beautiful. Anyway he started talking about his ex and how she wouldn't be intimate with him, I said you mean "sex" we both laughed. Then I seen him differently.
I text him when I got home saying I found him really fit today and the sexual side was nice as that what was lacking first two dates as I'd friend zoned him. He said the same. So he invited me to his house Friday, we watched a movie, drank wine and had sex. Prior to that he was taking about not wanting a full on committed relationship (straight away) as he likes his alone time to do his own thing or visit his family. There was hypothetical chat like if we started seeing each other, it would be casual as see how it goes from there. Which seemed normal to me. I get overwhelmed at the thought of jumping into a mad, full on relationship.
We had sex and it was good, definitely seen a different side to him. We cuddled for ages and every-time I tried to leave, he asked me to stay longer. He messaged me a few times (always first) yesterday saying he enjoyed the company and telling me about his day and asking about mine. I asked if he wanted to go to the cinema mid week and he said he will get back to me as he will need to look what's on.
He so far hasn't messaged me today, normally always a good morning text: I'm so annoyed! I feel used for sex, like it's a bit obvious he doesn't want to do anything that's not sex related. Otherwise he'd have just said yes straight away. I literally give up. I'm really sad.
Im attracted naturally to emotionally unavailable men, then when i give the nice ones a chance they are no different. So am I being unreasonable to tar all men with the same brush, whether they start off as nice or toxic they all just want one thing!