To expect to find someone who doesn't just want sex?

[Darkrod3]

Long story short. Been single for 3 years. Previously in a 20 year relationship/marriage. Never did the whole OLD as it wasn't thing back then. Spent 2.5 years single just enjoying my kids. Got a bit lonely on a Friday and Saturday evening, so I thought I'd give Tinder a go. Worse mistake of my life! The amount of time wasters, conversations that fizzle despite them popping up first.

I met one man I actually caught feelings for, he turned out to be a narcissist who played weird mind games and used this push pull technique to keep me hooked. The whole thing only lasted 4 months but he made me so ill I had to have therapy. Too much to go into.

second man I met was weird, never had a relationship and he was nearly 40. He was very introverted that's why he said he couldn't maintain relationships. I had sex with him on the first date, as I wanted to and liked his company. Problem was I made it my goal to bring him out of his shell, I took him places I don't think he wanted to go, as I was always the one contacting him to make plans. In the end he started getting overwhelmed I actually suspect he has some form of autism. He become mean picking me up on small things on my behaviour and appearance, when I snapped and said a few things back he blocked me.

anyway spoke to my therapist and she said I need to go for someone normal. I matched with a guy, he was very sweet, told me his ex had cheated on him. Listened to all my stuff attentively, invited me back to his, he didn't try to have sex, weirdly enough was showing me around his house. Very house proud. Pen to paper he should be someone I should go for, he has a lovely house, good job, he listens but I wasn't attracted to him. He would text daily saying morning and asking how my day was. Problem was he would text me first then reply hours later. Anyway I thought give him another chance to see if attraction grew. We went for a walk in a park and a drink, we chatted. At the end of the date no hugs, I got no vibe from him that he liked me. I still didn't fancy him. Anyway he messaged all week then asked how my night out was, I replied and he never text back again. I thought best to leave it. But was a bit annoyed, as seemed rude!

so my therapist said I need to start telling people I don't find them attractive, to stop people pleasing as I have all these men on WhatsApp that keep popping up randomly just to chat.

so a few weeks later I messaged the nice man to say I didn't think there was a connection and I guess he didn't either but asked his advise on online dating. He agreed that I was cool and he liked my company but didn't feel a connection. Anyway he asked if I'd go for a walk again as friends. I agreed.

met him and he looked really fit. I don't know if it's because there was no expectation anymore or what it was. He complemented me and said I looked beautiful. Anyway he started talking about his ex and how she wouldn't be intimate with him, I said you mean "sex" we both laughed. Then I seen him differently.

I text him when I got home saying I found him really fit today and the sexual side was nice as that what was lacking first two dates as I'd friend zoned him. He said the same. So he invited me to his house Friday, we watched a movie, drank wine and had sex. Prior to that he was taking about not wanting a full on committed relationship (straight away) as he likes his alone time to do his own thing or visit his family. There was hypothetical chat like if we started seeing each other, it would be casual as see how it goes from there. Which seemed normal to me. I get overwhelmed at the thought of jumping into a mad, full on relationship.

We had sex and it was good, definitely seen a different side to him. We cuddled for ages and every-time I tried to leave, he asked me to stay longer. He messaged me a few times (always first) yesterday saying he enjoyed the company and telling me about his day and asking about mine. I asked if he wanted to go to the cinema mid week and he said he will get back to me as he will need to look what's on.

He so far hasn't messaged me today, normally always a good morning text: I'm so annoyed! I feel used for sex, like it's a bit obvious he doesn't want to do anything that's not sex related. Otherwise he'd have just said yes straight away. I literally give up. I'm really sad.

Im attracted naturally to emotionally unavailable men, then when i give the nice ones a chance they are no different. So am I being unreasonable to tar all men with the same brush, whether they start off as nice or toxic they all just want one thing!

I ended my marriage almost a year ago and the idea of dating is completely unappealing. I’ve never tried online dating, I never will. I’ve organically met quite a few men who have been interested in dating me
but I literally cannot be bothered. I think it’s about emotional investment. Investing of any kind is risky and nowadays I’m simply risk averse … I only want to invest emotionally in safe bets with guaranteed returns. Myself, my DDs, family, good friends. It’s been alarmingly easy to say I’m flattered, it’s not personal but I’m not interested in a romantic relationship. If they have no interest in getting to know me and being my friend they need to move along …

In OLD you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince. When I was first single again, I was like a kid in a sweet shop on the apps, met some men once & legged it, saw some a few times & then decided they weren't for me, I had already met my dp but wasn't sure it was serious, we ended up being together 5 years until he died.

You will find out how to weed out the married ones, the ones who only want a FWB, the ones who only want someone to talk dirty to, there is a button called block, use it.

I suspect co dependency. However I like people who have issues. The ones who are normal are boring to me. It's like I can spot potential and think " if he would just do this, he'd be perfect" I know it's not right and I know we can't ever change someone else. Sometimes I don't even realise I'm doing it.

with the autistic one, I just thought " how boring to never leave your house apart from work" he did enjoy the trip out afterwards and wanted to go again but I didn't really enjoy taking him, as he basically had mini meltdowns all day.

And I know this is 100% the right advise but I'm afraid I'd be forever single..most men now especially older ones have major issues as someone else said " if they don't they aren't attractive"
I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wasn't very attractive, I'd rather be alone!

Well I thought I was being pro active today calling him out for bread-crumbing me. He said he's not so at the minute what can I do now? I've got to go to the cinema later with him.

I mean he should be accountable too, i basically gave him the chance to back off and I fully expected after my arsey message he was going to ghost me. He didn't. However I'll just keep my guard up and anymore weird behaviour I'll just stop seeing him!

I actually like the autistic one the most. The fact that he's contacted me after 2 weeks to have a go at me has really thrown a spanner in the works. I just expected him to never contact me again! We aren't compatible though, I have ADHD and he has Autism so opposite ends of the social scale. I did like his company though as he was quite quirky when he wasn't overwhelmed.

Thank you. I don't think people know hard hard it is when they are saying they must tick all your boxes. Most people on there are damaged, have mental health issues, serial cheats or as you say, just looking for FWB. There is bound to be a few decent ish blokes but it definitely takes a long slog to find them.

Sorry op i think it would be wise to end this one and try a new therapist to help you with your self esteem.

This all sounds like what I did/felt/said in my early 20s with online dating 15 years ago. Not something I would be going through at this age, with all the paranoia and game playing and lack of self respect.

Best of luck.

People don't respect those who have no backbone or will do whatever it takes to please you.

Someone who has standards, boundaries, their own goals/dreams is more desirable.

Right now you seem willing to put a man before your own needs & wants - likely they meet another woman who knows what she wants out of life, has the ability to say "no" and this is more attractive to them - confidence is attractive. Telling people to jog on is attractive. Having your own fulfilling life is attractive.

This is why you feel like "the one before the one"

You're trying to make all these blokes "the one" for you - without having any dealbreakers about what "the one" means for you you. Maybe that's a man who wants a family, or has his own career, or whatnot.

You will accept crumbs, but now confused as to why that's all you have on offer.

You have shown people how to treat you.

Think about what you want & need out of your own life & stop thinking a man is going to complete you.

TLDR

should’ve just put the last paragraph. Your answer lies there.

I actually like the autistic one the most. The fact that he's contacted me after 2 weeks to have a go at me has really thrown a spanner in the works. I just expected him to never contact me again! We aren't compatible though, I have ADHD and he has Autism so opposite ends of the social scale. I did like his company though as he was quite quirky when he wasn't overwhelmed.

I mean this kindly, but I think you should get some therapy to explore why this kind of behaviour is attractive to you!

Well I kind of know it could be a few things..ADHD we crave dopamine, so normal relationships are boring. Then being with a narcissist kind of messes you up as you develop a bit of a trauma bond. The big one is probably co dependency as I always believe I can change people..it's basically where you believe that you are actually doing some kind of good by trying to help others but then becoming annoyed when they are not appreciative of our efforts.

its not actually that I find it attractive, its more like people without issues are a bit boring.

If you find people without issues boring , you’ll never end up content & happy .
Anxious & tormented.. Do you really want that ? 🤷🏻‍♀️

definitely not but I don't know how to change it if I don't feel attracted to them.

this latest one has no issues, well rounded etc but the delayed texting thing is annoying. I just don't feel like he likes me in that way. I'm not sure if I really like him in that way either, I feel like he mainly wants a sexual person until he finds "the one" he's nearly 46 so good luck to him with that 🤣

only problem is I called him out on it and he said he didn't know what's going on in my head and he likes my company. I just don't trust men, I feel like a lot of them either don't like letting girls down, that's why they ghost or are just keeping you on the back burner.

OP , if you want more than sex with this new guy cut him loose , you say you get the feeling he just wants a sexual thing until “ Miss right “ comes along ..
That’s very bad for your self confidence, to be with someone that is only interested in the sexual side of things if you want more …
Also it is possible to find someone without issues that you are attracted to that you also enjoy their company aswel ..
Might have to wait a while, but don’t sell yourself short x

That's the trouble I don't know if I want more, not with him. However I do understand that women develop feelings after sex and men don't.

I just assume that if you really like someone wouldn't you constantly be making plans to see them, texting back quickly? So yes in that way it does make me feel a bit like I'm not good enough. His been separated from his ex 6 months as she cheated on him, he speaks about it a lot. So I don't think he's 100% over her. Part of me thinks, maybe in time he might like me more. However for me it's always been you kind of know from the get go if you like someone enough .

him saying continuously he enjoys my company isn't enough I don't think to start a relationship. It's probably more like a friends with benefits

Oh he’s only separated 6 months, I’m pretty sure he won’t want a relationship so , way too soon for him if he’s been cheated on ..Have you met him many times ?
Do you think he is being truthful with separated 6 months due to her cheating ?
, just when you meet on line , you just feckin don’t know either until you can gauge what they are like after meeting for a bit 🤷🏻‍♀️..

Yes , we do develop feelings after sex a lot more than men do , well if the sex is good 😂

FWB only works if both are sure they won’t get attached , otherwise feelings will get hurt x

Yes I think that's genuine, he has a lot of anger about her as she basically used him and even after he caught her he let her still stay at his for months. In the end he made her leave as he said it was eating him up daily.

he said he doesn't want a full on committed relationship at the minute, when I asked what that meant he said someone knowing my schedule and asking me to constantly do stuff when they know I'm off. So gather he likes free time. That's not what I would call a committed relationship.

he said that doesn't necessarily mean he's looking to date a lot of people either. He just said best to not overthink stuff and no pressure see whete stuff goes in early relationships. I got the feeling he was taking generally and not necessarily about me and him. It's just annoying as he's been the one messaging me as I said with the mornings and goodnight.

im going abroad at the weekend for cosmetic surgery so I text him to say I'll be away for a few weeks if he wants to meet up when I'm healed. I guess time will tell. It's really hard not to overthink stuff now.

I meant if he bothers to text me during be being away. If he doesn't text me at all I'll just leave it as if you like someone and they were having all that done you'd definitely think about them to check they are ok.

if he just messages me in a month when he knows I'm probably heated I'll leave it also.

.

Update. We went to the cinema and went back to his, we chatted for ages and had sex.he's continued to message me every morning since. Then yesterday he didn't.

I messaged first as thought maybe he thinks it's all one way. Text on off through the day. Then I sent the last text at 7.pm.

woke up today and he still hadn't even read it. So admittedly I went mad and called him out saying if he was gonna ghost me and use me for sex he should have been honest at the start of the week when I called him out for lack of interest then.

he replied with " what the hell is wrong with you?" He said he's never used me or anyone for sex it's not something he does. However doesn't feel like he needs to continuously text me as he has a life and made it clear he's not ready to jump into a serious relationship just yet but isn't looking to sleep around either.

I messages back saying fair enough but if you meet someone else or not feeling it with me I expect honesty and I don't want a STI.

to which he text back saying that's more than fair and he will be honest. He said same goes for me, he doesn't need to know my business if I sleep with someone else but to use protection. That is definitely not a sign of interest if he doesn't mind me sleeping about is it.

I find his behaviour very confusing. He doesn't plan on sleeping about but if I do he doesn't want to know. WTF?

I text back and said if I sleep with someone else I won't be seeing you again as I'm not like that. I've deleted all out chat history I really CBA.

im going abroad fir cosmetic surgery and I'm terrified.especially leaving my kids and potentially dying. I just thought if I finally do stuff about my body insecurities I can be more choosy with men. I know I should be anyway.

Ggggrrr! 🤦‍♀️