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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is more in the wrong? DS or DD

86 replies

ML5 · 23/08/2025 19:45

DS24 & DD21 generally get on however past 4 weeks there’s been a big debate between them both to the point where DH & me had to step in. Basically each have been accusing the other of being rude & disrespectful towards each other, shouting between them both, nasty text messages & DD threatening to block DD as well on all social media. We have spoken to DD & to DD today and both have agreed to move on even though they have agreed to disagree. DH thinks DS was more in the wrong as he has been winding up DD21 and retaliating against her when she’s had enough & also said to her he don’t want to speak to her ever again but I think DD was more in the wrong as she’s been more rude & disrespectful & getting in his way more and sent DS nasty text messages saying she’s going to go No Contact with him in the future 😩😩😩
Prepared for a mix of opinions here (both pay rent before anyone asks) but was just wondering who was being more unreasonable between both of them.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 23/08/2025 19:47

Sound like they're both as bad as each other

NoThanksNeeded · 23/08/2025 19:47

Might help of we had some context on the original disagreement...

And it's a little confusing as you use DD for presumably DS at some times

steff13 · 23/08/2025 19:48

I mean based on what you said I think they're equally bad. But without context of what was actually said or how it started it's hard to tell.

cariadlet · 23/08/2025 19:54

Agree with pp that it's hard to know who was most to blame for whatever caused the initial falling out but they are both behaving very badly now.

They are both adults and need to stop behaving like teenagers.

I would make them sit down and listen while you and your DH lay down some ground rules: no shouting in the house, no trying to drag you and dh into the arguments or trying to get you to pick sides.

Warn them that if they can't stick to those basics then they'll have to find somewhere else to live.
You said that they pay rent but that's completely irrelevant. It doesn't give them carte blanche to create an atmosphere and turn your home into an unpleasant place for you and your dh.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/08/2025 19:56

It sounds like tit for that squabbling. Why does it matter who is more to blame anyway?

Sounds like they both could improve their behaviour.

Original poster
ML5 · 23/08/2025 19:56

Basically DS had to give up his car as he couldn’t afford the payments on it which then made him stressed out & frustrated about the situation. DD who although was working from home was being more than frustrated around him which then escalated.

OP posts:
Original poster
ML5 · 23/08/2025 19:57

We did sit them both down and said to them this has to stop

OP posts:
verycloakanddaggers · 23/08/2025 20:00

I still can't understand what the argument was about?

DiscoBob · 23/08/2025 20:04

They both need to grow up. If your daughter was goading or being mean to your son because he was upset he lost his car, that's not on. But it's not on to take things out on others when things go badly in life. So they're both to blame.

I'm sure it will blow over though. It clearly wasn't a case of one of them doing something unforgivable to the other.

Original poster
ML5 · 23/08/2025 20:04

verycloakanddaggers · 23/08/2025 20:00

I still can't understand what the argument was about?

Well to be very honest neither could me or DH and for the way it’s escalated to them both being at WW3 with each other was ridiculous and we have told them so as well

OP posts:
saveforthat · 23/08/2025 20:05

I think they are both adults and it's unfortunate that they both still live under your roof as "having to step in" sounds like you are dealing with children and I suspect it's tempting to treat them like children if they never move out. I don't think you and your DH should be arguing about it. Just let them get on with it and if it becomes too much, say they sort themselves out or move out.

steff13 · 23/08/2025 20:05

I don't understand what "being more than frustrated around him" means.

I mean he was stressed out and frustrated and she was bugging him then it sounds like she was the one at fault.

WallaceinAnderland · 23/08/2025 20:05

DD who although was working from home was being more than frustrated around him which then escalated.

What does this mean?

youalright · 23/08/2025 20:06

Its not funny but it made me laugh its so typical dad sticks up for princess and mum sticks up for her little prince. They just need their heads banging together and to get over it

Original poster
ML5 · 23/08/2025 20:06

steff13 · 23/08/2025 20:05

I don't understand what "being more than frustrated around him" means.

I mean he was stressed out and frustrated and she was bugging him then it sounds like she was the one at fault.

DD said as DS was frustrated he was taking it out on her

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 23/08/2025 20:07

DD said as DS was frustrated he was taking it out on her

What was he doing to her?

Original poster
ML5 · 23/08/2025 20:08

DD works from home and as DS was off few days annual leave from his work being stressed out about his car DD was getting more frustrated at him as she was saying he was taking it out on her

OP posts:
missrabbit1990 · 23/08/2025 20:09

YABU to ask because you shouldn’t be getting involved

WallaceinAnderland · 23/08/2025 20:09

Yes, but what was he doing to her?

Rasell · 23/08/2025 20:11

How can anyone on here answer that?! We don't know what prompted any of those comments. It sounds like they're as bad as each other and need to work through their relationship without your involvement, so they come to a genuine middle ground. My kids are much younger than them so I might be wrong, but at that age shouldn't they be able to work things out between them? It must be hard but surely they love each other and can work through it, and choosing who is the worst won't help?

SquirrelRed · 23/08/2025 20:12

Does it really matter who is more at fault? It just sounds like siblings bickering and winding each other up to me. They are adults so just leave them to get on with it or tell them to stay out of each other's way

Original poster
ML5 · 23/08/2025 20:12

WallaceinAnderland · 23/08/2025 20:09

Yes, but what was he doing to her?

Idk I work and this was happening while I was at work - according to DD, DS was being rude towards her & according to DS, DD was being rude to him
We didn’t get involved at start but because it escalated to the nasty messages, DD blocking and threatening DS she will go No Contact with him and DS saying he won’t ever speak to her again cos of her manners we felt we had to say something

OP posts:
Original poster
ML5 · 23/08/2025 20:13

Rasell · 23/08/2025 20:11

How can anyone on here answer that?! We don't know what prompted any of those comments. It sounds like they're as bad as each other and need to work through their relationship without your involvement, so they come to a genuine middle ground. My kids are much younger than them so I might be wrong, but at that age shouldn't they be able to work things out between them? It must be hard but surely they love each other and can work through it, and choosing who is the worst won't help?

We did let them try to work things out but when it escalated the house had a bad atmosphere so we couldn’t sit back

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 23/08/2025 20:18

From what you've said, it sounds like he caused the initial problems and then they both got into it. Don't take sides.

verycloakanddaggers · 23/08/2025 20:20

They are both escalating.

There must be more going on here.

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