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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is more in the wrong? DS or DD

86 replies

ML5 · 23/08/2025 19:45

DS24 & DD21 generally get on however past 4 weeks there’s been a big debate between them both to the point where DH & me had to step in. Basically each have been accusing the other of being rude & disrespectful towards each other, shouting between them both, nasty text messages & DD threatening to block DD as well on all social media. We have spoken to DD & to DD today and both have agreed to move on even though they have agreed to disagree. DH thinks DS was more in the wrong as he has been winding up DD21 and retaliating against her when she’s had enough & also said to her he don’t want to speak to her ever again but I think DD was more in the wrong as she’s been more rude & disrespectful & getting in his way more and sent DS nasty text messages saying she’s going to go No Contact with him in the future 😩😩😩
Prepared for a mix of opinions here (both pay rent before anyone asks) but was just wondering who was being more unreasonable between both of them.

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 23/08/2025 21:41

@ML5 if DD is wfh then DS needs to leave her alone and let her work. She needs to leave him alone and get on with it. I wouldn’t take sides to be honest as you weren’t there but stick to the mantra they live and let live or go elsewhere. You are all entitled to a peaceful homelife.

PrincessOfPreschool · 23/08/2025 22:12

I often say to my kids (now late teens but been a mantra for a while) : I don't care who started it, I care who's going to stop it.

We all have the opportunity to de escalate a disagreement by not engaging, giving space, walking away, saying sorry. Plenty of options. It sounds like both of your kids were in the wrong, doesn't really matter who was MORE in the wrong, that's a really immature way to look at it.

Own your own wrongdoing and apologise for it. If the other person won't apologise, that's their problem, you've done your bit and taken responsibility for the parts which are yours. And no, "I'm sorry for calling you an ugly twat but you did call me a fat bitch..." Just apologise for your hurtful actions. "I'm sorry I carried you an ugly twat. It wasn't respectful and was unkind." End of.

MyAcornWood · 23/08/2025 22:16

IntoTheFringe · 23/08/2025 21:34

So you don't understand their argument yourself but you are expecting a bunch of internet strangers to be able to decide who is more at fault?

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Quite 😂

YOU are being unreasonable to give any thought at all as to who was more wrong op, when the only conclusion that can be drawn here is that your son and your daughter were acting like immature, petulant children.
Tbey either grow up and learn to live in peace together or they can move out.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 23/08/2025 22:36

ML5 · 23/08/2025 20:47

I did say what they were arguing about which started with my DS having to give away his car which then resulted in DS being frustrated & DD being rude & vice versa.

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You’re either not asking the right questions or you’re being vague on purpose because one (DS?!?) does come off worse than the other.

How did DS’s frustration manifest?
You keep mentioning DD working from home. Did he interfere with that in any way?
How was she rude to him?

Frostynoman · 23/08/2025 22:42

So from reading that you have written, your son was upset and frustrated and saw fit to take it out on your daughter. He’s at fault.

Your daughter retaliating is perpetuating the issue however you need to teach your son that it is unacceptable to treat people poorly because they are having a hard time.

Your daughter needs to not wind him up, however she needs back up with him being this way. Your son going on about manners is controlling and wrong frankly, gives me Andrew Tate vibes.

You seemingly not knowing and your write up made me feel that you favour your son over your daughter at least in this situation or at the very least your are dismissive of her point that she doesn’t deserve to receive grief from your son acting out.

Noshadelamp · 23/08/2025 22:44

ML5 · 23/08/2025 20:47

I did say what they were arguing about which started with my DS having to give away his car which then resulted in DS being frustrated & DD being rude & vice versa.

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Why would DD suddenly be rude just because D's was frustrated?

Unless you've missed out a step ie your ds was frustrated and took it out on DD, who reacted because why was he taking it out on her?

I don't see how you can't see this started with your ds. The only way to end this is for each person to take responsibility for their behaviour, and if you and DH are taking sides, it's not going to encourage anyone to actually take responsibility for their part.

healthybychristmas · 23/08/2025 22:55

I think you need to say to them, "Listen, you two, if you want to stay here you've got to keep things pleasant for everyone. I am not going to live with people shouting and yelling and arguing with each other. I'm just not going to do it and given it's my house, if you do do those things then you will have to move out. At the moment I don't care who moves out, whether it's both of you or one of you or neither of you, but the end result has to be that I live in a peaceful house. Stop acting like children and make a decision whether you want to stay in this house or not."

Original poster
ML5 · 23/08/2025 23:00

I was going by what was said to me I was not at home at the time I was at work & I was not taking sides but going on what was said to me

OP posts:
CherrieTomaties · 23/08/2025 23:01

ML5 · 23/08/2025 23:00

I was going by what was said to me I was not at home at the time I was at work & I was not taking sides but going on what was said to me

Would you feel comfortable telling them both to “grow the fuck up”?

MimiGC · 23/08/2025 23:23

Sounds like one or both needs to move out and get some independence. Though I appreciate their finances might not stretch to that.

Izzywizzy85 · 23/08/2025 23:29

Why does it matter? Sounds like tit for tat squabbling which you are making worse by stirring the pot.

Crispynoodle · 23/08/2025 23:38

Six of one and half a dozen of the other life is too short leave them to it

1apenny2apenny · 23/08/2025 23:39

Frankly OP you can’t even articulate what the argument was about so you have zero chance of solving it. At the start you said you support ‘DS’ although given your inability to differentiate between ‘ DS’ and ‘DD’ there isn’t 1 poster on this thread who can understand who you support.

FGS just get them together and have a family discussion, no-one here can gelp as they can’t understand what’s going on.

5foot5 · 23/08/2025 23:42

ML5 · 23/08/2025 20:12

Idk I work and this was happening while I was at work - according to DD, DS was being rude towards her & according to DS, DD was being rude to him
We didn’t get involved at start but because it escalated to the nasty messages, DD blocking and threatening DS she will go No Contact with him and DS saying he won’t ever speak to her again cos of her manners we felt we had to say something

Show quote history

So DD says she will go NC and DS says he won't speak to her again. But they are living in the same house! Hilarious.

I'll tell you what I think @ML5 , they are both regressing to childhood because they are still living at home instead of being independent adults.

Now I know that it can be more difficult these days for people in their 20s to "launch", but I think you need a serious chat with them both together. Tell them you really don't care or want to know who did what and who said what. You are not taking sides. But either they grow up and start behaving like adults or they both start looking to move out.

5128gap · 23/08/2025 23:54

If you're going to involve yourself then you need to know the details. All you have is that your DS was in a bad mood about his car and DD was rude. How did the bad mood manifest? How did it impact DD? What exactly did she say that was rude? If DS was going round looking miserable but otherwise minding his own business, and DD decided to tell him he had a face like a slapped arse, thats entirely different from if DS was slamming around being disruptive and DD told him to shut up as she was working. Yet both scenarios fit what you've described.

BlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBla · 24/08/2025 00:32

There’s a lot of focus on the past but actually rather then try to work out who was the worst, focus on asking them how they are going to move forward respectfully and make amends. They will just have to agree to disagree about what’s gone on previously.

BansheeOfTheSouth · 24/08/2025 00:39

Sounds like you have two primary school children not fully grown, working adults. Kick them both out. Time they grew up at 21 and 24.

HonoriaBulstrode · 24/08/2025 00:49

.....if DS was slamming around being disruptive and DD told him to shut up as she was working.

Well, it's presumably been DS's home longer than it's been DD's workplace. He might have been stropping around, perhaps, but just because someone is wfh that doesn't mean they get to dictate how everyone else in the home behaves.

ItsNotMeEither · 24/08/2025 05:44

Who knows, certainly not any of us, because despite it being mentioned over and over, your answers are unclear and vague.

BUT, you OP says they've agreed to disagree, but also to 'move on' from the disagreement.

If they've agreed to move on, why the hell are you and your DP still going on about it and taking sides at all? The best way to help them move on, is for you to also move on.

Also, remind them that they both better be saving for a deposit on a place of their own, as it's natural to want a bit of their own space at those ages. Sounds like their relationship would be better with a bit of space.

BertieBotts · 24/08/2025 10:09

Why are people even trying to decide who is "at fault" - they are behaving like primary school children.

chatgptsbestmate · 24/08/2025 10:13

Christ on a bike. Just ignore the ridiculous fuckers

Snugglemonkey · 24/08/2025 18:03

HonoriaBulstrode · 24/08/2025 00:49

.....if DS was slamming around being disruptive and DD told him to shut up as she was working.

Well, it's presumably been DS's home longer than it's been DD's workplace. He might have been stropping around, perhaps, but just because someone is wfh that doesn't mean they get to dictate how everyone else in the home behaves.

Do you seriously think that stropping around being unpleasant is ok for anyone in a home? Whether someone is wirk8ng from home or not, this is not ok.

Cynic17 · 24/08/2025 18:06

They both sound pathetic, and like they're about 10 years old. Tell them to grow up and that they both need to move out (preferably separately).
Then stop bothering about whether they like/speak to each other - it's not your problem.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 24/08/2025 18:09

ML5 · 23/08/2025 19:45

DS24 & DD21 generally get on however past 4 weeks there’s been a big debate between them both to the point where DH & me had to step in. Basically each have been accusing the other of being rude & disrespectful towards each other, shouting between them both, nasty text messages & DD threatening to block DD as well on all social media. We have spoken to DD & to DD today and both have agreed to move on even though they have agreed to disagree. DH thinks DS was more in the wrong as he has been winding up DD21 and retaliating against her when she’s had enough & also said to her he don’t want to speak to her ever again but I think DD was more in the wrong as she’s been more rude & disrespectful & getting in his way more and sent DS nasty text messages saying she’s going to go No Contact with him in the future 😩😩😩
Prepared for a mix of opinions here (both pay rent before anyone asks) but was just wondering who was being more unreasonable between both of them.

No clue from what you have said and not enough to form an opinion. There would need to be context. It doesn’t even sound like you even know what they’re arguing about!

JungAtHeart · 24/08/2025 18:33

Seriously at their age I’d be suggesting they look for separate house shares and get tf out of mine! Sometimes the bunch of sage isn’t big enough for needless toxicity. I have teen DDs and I will not tolerate squabbling or get involved in their arguments. It’s their relationship not mine. If squabbling is protracted at home - they’re sent to their separate spaces, to stop it. If we’re out, I’ll extricate myself. I would recommend this book https://amzn.eu/d/iMFedaZ it won a Mumsnet award. It’s a very easy read and will shine a light on why they are arguing like kids at their age.