To think you should invite your partner if this happens?

[Whatifyoucalltaylorup]

An entirely theoretical conversation I was having with my partner. Curious to know what other people think.

It you go for a ladies’ night out, and leave your spouse at home, and then when you turn up, your friend(s) has brought their spouse or invited one or multiple men along on the night out, it’s courteous to message your partner and ask if they’d like to join after all.

Similarly if a man goes out with the “guys” and turns up and his friend has bought he wife, or invited other women he’s friends with, it’s courteous for your partner to message you and invite you to join.

DP wasn’t disagreeing with me, incidentally. It was just something we were chatting about.

YABU - no need to tell your spouse and invite them just because others have brought their partner’s or friends of the opposite sex. Carry on as you were

YANBU - as the group dynamic has changed, it’s polite to let your partner know and give them the option to come and join you.

Obviously there are extenuating circumstances.

“Entirely theoretical” my ass

The partner is going our with their friends. It makes no difference if it's mixed sex. I wouldn't invite my partner in them circumstances and I wouldn't expect an invite if it was the other way round.

What a strange response. It genuinely was theoretical!

This would depend entirely on the relationship between the parties. If the GF who went out was good friends with the other men then it would seem like a group of friends out together. I'm good friends with some of DHs friends so if I was with that group I would be insulted if someone saw me and thought 'oh are we bringing partners'. These boys are also my old friends and we were a unit long before partners came into our lives. However if they are an exclusively male group and women are not usually part of it and those women partners are friends with each other then maybe send a message. If it were me and i wanted to go out and DH told me it was lads only and then I heard his friends partner that I'm friends with was there I guess I would be annoyed.

The beauty of the internet is that it doesn’t actually matter if you believe me or not because there‘s no way I could prove it.

I see the logic but in this instance it genuinely was something we were talking about. Short of recording it and sending it to you though, I’m not sure what else you’d propose….?

Oh they’ll be a reason Op, a specific reason, why you and your DP was discussing this.

so if i go out on an arranged "ladies night" with my women friends, and one or more brings their spouse? If the spouse is someone i know, and is a woman, for sure no issue.

If it is a man when we planned a "ladies night"? I'd go home or go somewhere else.

We are both in our 40s, but a relatively new couple hence were talking about our approaches to certain situations.

I was reflecting on the chat and thought it was an interesting one for MN!

Hopefully that makes it more clear why it really was just a theoretical.

No i wouldnt invite my husband and no i wouldn't expect or want to go myself

So it wasn’t a chat
it was you raising this setting the rules!
and DP agreeing with you

If I went on a ladies night and someone bought their husband/boyfriend, I’d be pissed off and probably text my husband “so and so has bought so and so. WTF” and be very peed off and definitely wouldn’t ask my husband to come out then and I’d ignore the uninvited person.

Hopefully I don’t have any friends who would just bring along a spouse without saying so! If DH was free I would always ask the friends I was meeting if we are bringing partners. But this is a non issue for us as we have small kids so we are never’free’ to go out at the same time as each other unless we pre-arrange a babysitter for a night out we have decided to spend together

Totallly depends. If the get together was just 5 minutes away, then possibly ring up and say hey Dave’s here too, why don’t you come along. If at a restaurant or something in town then wouldn’t bother, but when I got home would still feel that it was annoying that the girls night had been diluted, but not see a reason to dilute it further.

Exactly

So without people adding specific extra context like “what if you’ve known their spouses for years too” or it’s a mixed gender group generally (which wasn’t the question - the question was YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH JUST THE BOYS/GIRLS AND TURN UP TO FIND THE OPPOSITE GENDER THERE TOO)

I’d 100% reach out and ask my other half if they wanted to come too as it turns out all are welcome. If they couldn’t or didn’t want to come then fine. Id think it was weird that their friends failed to tell them it was mixed OR that they knew and failed to tell me?

I’d only ever have not invited my husband because it would have been weird to do so eg no other partners coming.

Anyone I know who didn’t reach out to their other half is strange. I say this as in my experience it’s usually men that avoid inviting partners to couples or mixed group nights out. I’ve had multiple boyfriends do this in the past and usually one (or several) of the attendees will reach out when they arrive without me to ask why I’m not there too because it WAS a “bring your partner” event and it’s clear my partner just didn’t want you to go. That’s a whole other conversation you need to have with your partner. (Alternatively, if everyone else but your partner was asked to bring their partner, I’d question the friends not liking me?)

If it were a mixed group, eg we’re all friends from school (so you go out mixed with no partners invited, just friends) then no I’d not text them to come because they’d have known before I left I was meeting “people from school”. I’d however find it strange at my age that people didn’t just in invite partners and integrate everyone, which is what my friends do if it’s not “just the girls” but that’s just my friends ! People with kids are different as sometimes someone is needed to babysit, but everyone would be welcome!

Hope that helps.

I have a different opinion: if it was meant to be a meeting with my friends and suddenly I found that OHs were invited, I’d be cross with friends for changing the dynamic and probably leave early.
If my husband went to see his friends and their partners were there unexpectedly, I’d not give a hoot as I can’t stand his friends anyway (and would just assume the feeling is obviously mutual 😁).

I don’t think these dynamics have anything to do with a DP …. It says more about the friendship group that they see a girls night and just invite a DP… I’d be pissed and in the past used to say ladies where should we go as a hint ….

Yes not theoretical either you or DP have baggage about friendship nights out and are now setting rules. Dangerous your new partner is not the same ex-partner

This may be the strangest interaction I’ve ever had online. Why on earth are you so angry and accusatory? I’m literally a stranger.

I’ll be sure to submit the full transcripts to you next time before I post anything.

This EXACT situation was what I was in last night. A group of women meet one friday evening a month. This group started as a 4 and is now over 20. We meet because where we live, we are all expats , most have small businesses or do volunteer work, so we network. It is nice to meet english speaking women for friendship, when so many of us are, at best, have a hard time communicating in the language here. Anyway, it is great $1000 pesos (about 12 gbp) get a welcome drink, a cocktail of choice and a appetizer buffet. Different restaurant each month to introduce us to more choices for ourselves at other times. Anyway to get to the point. Last night I saw 1 of the women's husband on the patio with 2 other men. I asked her if "Steve" was here? she said yes, he drove her but he was on strict instructions to stay outside or go to one of the other restaurant/bars in the area for the duration. So I would not consider calling my husband to come join, if one man (or woman on a guys night) was rude enough to crash the fun, as what would be the point of girls/guys nights?

Saying there are extenuating circumstances implies this happened. So why not just be upfront?

Why would you want to get ready to go out and join people that are already out and didn’t invite you when you have the house to yourself?

I wouldn't want my husband if I was with my friends, no offence to my husband at all, but I dont care if others have theirs i dont need see the problem of partners, I couldn't do 'girlie nights' or whatever people want to label them

But i also dont understand why people cant have a night out without their partners either it is weird to need to be glued to them

No, it wouldn't make a difference. Unless the partner is good friends with all, but then why wouldn't they be invited in the first place? Odd.

You'd go home or go and sit by yourself in a different pub because there's a man there?
Bit of an exaggeration.

Exactly