To think you should invite your partner if this happens?

[Whatifyoucalltaylorup]

An entirely theoretical conversation I was having with my partner. Curious to know what other people think.

It you go for a ladies’ night out, and leave your spouse at home, and then when you turn up, your friend(s) has brought their spouse or invited one or multiple men along on the night out, it’s courteous to message your partner and ask if they’d like to join after all.

Similarly if a man goes out with the “guys” and turns up and his friend has bought he wife, or invited other women he’s friends with, it’s courteous for your partner to message you and invite you to join.

DP wasn’t disagreeing with me, incidentally. It was just something we were chatting about.

YABU - no need to tell your spouse and invite them just because others have brought their partner’s or friends of the opposite sex. Carry on as you were

YANBU - as the group dynamic has changed, it’s polite to let your partner know and give them the option to come and join you.

Obviously there are extenuating circumstances.

Neither of us would invite the other, and we’d both have a moan the following day about the friend(s)’ inclusion of people who shouldn’t have been there.
There’s no ‘politeness’ in a later-than-last-minute invitation to join a messed up dynamic.
It just smacks of insecurity.

No, I wouldn’t invite or expect to be invited. Why would I want to suddenly change my plans just because one of DH’s friends has brought his wife or invited other women? Unless these women are my friends (which they aren’t, because my friends would have told me they were joining and invited me themselves) I’ve no reason to want to spend time with them - and vice versa for DH and my friends.

Does it actually matter why she's asking?

Presumably that wouldn't change your opinion either way!

OP, it wouldn't (hasn't previously) especially bothered me if someone has brought their partner along. But I wouldn't then contact my partner at home/doing their own thing and invite them to come. Nor would I expect to be invited.

My partner has a friend who has been with his wife for 45 years (met at 15 and now 60!) They are pretty much joined at the hip and go.everywhere together. No one minds and everyone expects it but I'd rather not be like that and so I wouldn't expect an invitation and I wouldn't issue one.

Surely this is discussed ahead of time? We (my friends and I) socialise as couples, families and as just us friends with a reasonably even split. Any time something is suggested, we clarify who’s invited in that context.

No need to call your partner in this scenario because they most likely would have made their own plans for the evening whilst you were out even if it’s just a quiet night in and an early night.

I can only see this being a problem if the person at home is very jealous and likely to kick up a pathetic stink when they find out someone else’s wife turned up!

No it wasn’t the plan and they don’t need to be joined at the hip.

Gender-segregated socialising as the default is so bizarre. I'm not friends with anyone who'd expect a night out to be "just the girls" or "just the boys" in the first place. And after a decade DP is friends with most of my friends, and I'm friends with most of his friends, in our own right.

When either of us go out, the other is usually welcome. We might not choose to go, but it would be much odder for our attendance to hinge on another partner's attendance.

This. I like doing things with my friends without my husband. We don't need to do everything together.
I remember going for a drink with work colleagues so done brought their partner which I thought was a bit odd as it changed the dynamic but it didn't really bother me and I didn't think of messaging my husband to invite him. I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted to come anyway!

Depends.

At some things, I wouldn’t think “better let DH know” I’d think “why is her husband here??”

But on the other hand, DH has a group of 3 close male friends that he’s known since school, and I’m going out with their wives/girlfriends in a couple of weeks. Maybe if a couple of the men turned up on that evening, I’d let DH know. This wouldn’t happen though - the reason it’s just the women going on this occasion is because the men are looking after children. It’s easier to do that than try and arrange babysitters so all the couples can go.

Generally curious, is that a religious thing where you can’t socialise if a man is present?

If literally everyone else's partners in the group turned up and all of you know each other exceptionally well then yes, I'd contact my partner (as it would indicate it was my muck up in communication) and see if they wanted to come.

Anything less than that extreme then no, I absolutely wouldn't. I can't put my finger on why but the suggestion that this is a courteous thing that must be done sounds really suffocating. I'd run a mile if this was expected of me in a relationship!

I wouldn't think to tell dh, let alone invite him. He wouldn't want to come.

Ditto the other way round.

Even if there is, so what? Why can't people just answer the bloody question??

@Whatifyoucalltaylorup I think it depends on so many variables. The older you get (or at least I get) the sex of the participants in the group seems to matter.

so long as the people in the relationship ding upset each other. It really doesn't matter what 'should' happen!

I've got to the age where a night in is cherished, so I wouldn't give a fuck, if every other wife/partner/girlfriend/random woman was there! I'd happily be at home! I'd be upset if he knew that beforehand & just didn't want me to go.

Id be pissed off if my friend brought her male partner to a girls gettogether. It wouldn't make me invite my partner.
If my partner went out with the guys and one of them brought his female partner, id expect that he might tell me and invite me but it would depend if I knew and liked her as to whether I'd want to go.

Why would you want to get ready to go out and join people that are already out and didn’t invite you when you have the house to yourself?

This. By the time either me or dh had got out, met friends and discovered the change in dynamic we'd both be doing something else either at home or elsewhere. It'd take me a while to get ready anyway so not that worth it.

My view is that it’s situational. If Steve’s wife Michelle turns up later in the evening, this is of no consequence to me. Or if he goes to Steve’s house for a drink and she joins them, I’d never expect this to include me. Or if I’m out separately doing my own thing, no need to ask me to change my plans.

These would be the extenuating circumstances.

If I’m sat home alone because DP’s gone for a drink with Steve and Jeff and he shows up at the pub and Steve’s brought Michelle along and Jeff’s brought Nina, and I’m round the corner, I’d be a bit miffed to only find that out after he got home.

If DP goes out with his single mate Barry and shows up and Barry’s brought some single ladies with, this one I couldn’t decide if I felt I should be invited but I wouldn’t love it. (The MN “cool girls” can make of that what they wish).

On the other hand, if I went out with (single) Lisa, and Lisa brought a gaggle of single men, each one of whom individually gave me a lap dance, DP couldn’t give two hoots and definitely wouldn’t feel it warranted having his quiet night at home disturbed.

I’m shocked by how many people don’t believe this was a theoretical conversation. We have a lot of late chats that go off into tangents like this. It came from a conversation about the difference between introverts and extroverts.

nope i am not on board with having a lovely ladies night out and then some bloke is there. I don't care if he's the lovliest Nigel in the world. I want a women's night now and again (and so do my friends so this doesn't arise with us)

When i was younger with different friends this happened once, and we told the woman involved to either send him home or push off with him. Turned out, that he was a controlling arsehole and eventually we worked it out (sorry it took us so long) and eventually after many years she binned him off.

Not saying that all men who would come along to a thing like this are controlling arseholes, but i have read the relationships board long enough to know that it is quite common.

And i didn't say i'd sit by myself, i think?

An entirely theoretical conversation I was having with my partner

I think it's so hard to believe it's theoretical because it's so finely specific it wouldn't normally enter anyone's mind unless it had happened.

I would feel it polite to invite my husband, not sure he would bother coming and I doubt he would have an issue with it but I would invite him for sure. I have been on mixed nights out from work but that is purely colleagues so he wouldnt particularly want/expect to come. Same if it was the other way around. If he told me it was lads only then I found out it was a mixed group I wouldnt be happy

Depends on the couple. My bloke would rather grate his face off than socialise with my mates

what is wrong with some pp.

I go out with a group of men* every other week. We drink beer and wear stupid scarves and shout ourselves hoarse. Then, more often than not we go home depressed about the result.

If i want a ladies night - which is a whole different dynamic - with my women friends, and that is what we have arranged because we want to (for eg, the next one will be to see the new Downton Abbey film and go for sushi, there are 6 of us and 5 out of the 6 partners we have - one of whom is also a woman - don't like sushi)

Why jump to religious tosh when it is clear from my post that is said "if it is a ladies night, that is what i want"

ETA *there are 8 of us. actually 2 of us are women. 4 of us are married, 2 to other people in the group, 2 to people who loathe football.

So it sounds like you don't like Steve and Jeff enough to go to the pub with them, but you like Michelle and Nina better... yet are not in touch with them independently to see if they're going to the pub?

And why would Barry's random female friends who I don't know have any impact on whether I want to see him?

I feel like there's a weird assumption underpinning all of this that women can't talk to men in pubs (but on the other hand will automatically get on with any other women who happen to be at the table).

I can only see this being a problem if the person at home is very jealous and likely to kick up a pathetic stink when they find out someone else’s wife turned up!

Yep. That's what it sounds like to me too.

oh god same, especially since we are all (the group i socialise with mostly) deep into menopause, and all used to work together so we talk about stuff that bores him deeply

If a bloke is there, we aren'T going to talk about our lack of sex drive and the best ways to combat vaginal dryness, are we?

You said you'd go somewhere else? So you'd get others to go with you and split the group?