Performative partner

[tinypopp]

I’ve been with my partner for just over a year. He can be very lovely, and I do think he has good values, but there’s a very performative side to him that I’m struggling with. He’s 40 yet still very attached to a sort of DJ-scene identity, always telling stories and dropping names, and it feels like he hasn’t really outgrown that phase. For me, it doesn’t feel about the music so much as about the image. He's constantly 'on' trying to make jokes and people please. On a recent holiday, he spent four hours thinking of puns to whatsapp people. I feel like if I don't respond completely enthralled, I'm then having to manage his sulks and stony silences, but it's exhausting.

I’m a single parent and I work a lot — both PAYE and freelance — so my capacity is already finely balanced. I also need occasional downtime just to reset. He sees that as me not prioritising him, whereas I see it as basic survival. The more needy and sexually pushy he becomes, the more I withdraw.

He sometimes makes comments that are supposed to be “jokes” but feel like pressure. Last week, he suggested he should come over “just for a blow job” and then saying “can delete if inappropriate.” It's like he's testing the water but and wanting to hedge his bets based on my response.

He’s questioned me about going to bed early, once calling me a liar, and if I say I need space he often sulks or gives me the silent treatment. After a meal recently when I said I was heading home as I was tired, he got stroppy and went cold with me.

There was also a big argument when I mentioned (in context of talking about shit bands) that I’d slept with someone over 20 years ago who said he was from XXXX shit band. He had a huge strop and made us leave the taxi. Yet he constantly talks about his own past and his stories are fair game. It feels like a double standard.

He'll pay for things then remind me later "I'm really kind, I've paid for XYZ" like he's holding it against me. It feels like pressure all the time.

I’ve suggested therapy, because I think he’s actually quite insecure and it could help him, but he won’t consider it. I feel like he doesn’t really value the reality of my life — that I parent alone, work hard, and need downtime sometimes.

I keep asking myself if I’m being unkind and breadcrumbing him, or whether this is the start of controlling behaviour. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and is this just a non-starter?

How can you bear him?

Op this is what dating is…finding out if you are compatible with someone and have shared values.

after I read your post I quickly rescanned to see how long you have been together and felt RELIEF that it is only one year. Break off the relationship today preferably over the phone or anyway without you being alone with him.

good on you op for seeking MN advice when you knew he wasn’t right for you and having the affirmation now please heed this advice

But you're not interested in that part of his life as it's been mentioned a lot already.

Any good points?

So he basically sulks whenever he can't get sex from you?

He sounds awful, OP - like he has no respect for you and simply views you as a sex object. Hence all the whining and sulking whenever you put your own needs above his. Honestly he sounds pretty grim and you can do much, much better.

He sounds like a prize twit and an abusive one at that. You know it’s not ok or you wouldn’t have posted on here. Listen to your gut instinct, it’s telling you to run 🚩

First reply has it

This man sounds absolutely appalling. Dump him for God’s sake. He’s repellent.

Dump him.

But seriously he sounds awful and I cannot imagine what good qualities would make up for what you have said.

Narcissist. Text book kind. Get rid.

I think others have nailed it, but please do note that the DJ thing while repulsive is a red herring - it's the narcissistic manipulation that't the real problem.

The fact that you can't see this probably means that you could use therapy, OP, to work on your own self esteem and boundaries?

It certainly doesn’t sound like he loves you! I expect you deserve much more.

Out of curiosity I would love to know who he has name dropped with his B2B DJ sets, from ‘back In the day’ 🎵

Get rid X

Absolute bell end. There’s a reason he is 40 and still single (or was before he met you)

I would be mortified at his boring identity crisis and cringing if you were my fridnd.

He's a 40 year old twat, irredeemably so.

Dump.

Also, I don’t think the nonsense bullshit DJ weed talk is him trying to solve his “insecurity”. I think it’s him trying (and failing) to create a mysterious, arty, wizened ol’ personality he thinks younger you, and the people he is stewing over memes for, will be impressed by.

I’ve never really understood “insecure” as a concept: I think it’s more likely he is just defective and deep down knows it.

Christ, he sounds exhausting. Get rid.

I voted YABU because this man is a massive red flag, and yet you are suggesting therapy? You've only been seeing him a year, why are you investing so much into him to be 'rewarded' with sulks and shitty behaviour? You need the therapy! Get rid of him, it's not your job to fix him.

Insecure. He will twist and gaslight and wear you down until he can control you. Run for the hills

I know the exact type. He's bitter he didn't make it. Resentful that means he has to work and live, like a normal person. Wants to extend the youthful phase of life. Not a good fit for you right now, unfortunately.

He sounds like such a dick. You’re worth more.

Not someone I’d want in my life. Way too many negatives.

He sounds insufferable. And achingly embarrassing.

Good lord you sound lovely and you are working so hard. In your downtime you need to be energised by the company you keep. More red flags than a communist camp. Dump ASAP.