AIBU to pull out of returning to work after mat leave?

[harveygirl93]

Hi all,
looking for some advice.
I’ve been a teacher for 10 years. Currently on mat leave, due to finish in Jan. Back in May, I agreed to return part-time (head has even told parents and named the class after me).
Since then, our situation has changed — we don’t qualify for funded childcare anymore and basically all of my wages would just go on nursery. DH has said I don’t have to go back if I don’t want to, and I feel like I’d really regret missing this time with DC.
Trouble is, head has put me in Year 6. I’d be joining right before SATs and expected to go on residential/late school trips. I originally asked for 2 days a week but was told no, so it’s still a bigger commitment than I’d hoped for.
Thing is, I’ve already said yes to my head. Can I change my mind now? If I hand in notice before Oct half-term, does that mean I don’t have to return in Jan? Or have I boxed myself in by accepting?
I hate letting people down but also feel like these early years are more important than a job that’ll always be there.
(We’re also mid house move so can afford to pay back mat pay if needed.)
AIBU?

• YABU – you’ve committed, you need to go back.
• YANBU – it’s fine to change your mind and stay home.

Thanks in advance!

In an ideal world I would try & keep a toe in by working p/t for career purposes but do what suits your family.

I went back to work very p/t & stayed p/t but built it up.

Okay, it sounds to me like you have made up your mind to be honest, but the sentence about your husband feeling so left out after one day you sent photos would give me pause. How is he going to feel as the main breadwinner and getting photos every day?
I get that you are saying he earns more but how can it not be balanced that you both spend some time with DC? There are two of you (speaking as a single parent). Plus I know around here getting back into a job commensurate with their previous role is a massive issue for women who take career breaks.
Not saying don’t do it, because I can see the benefits, but it’s a risk, in my opinion.

Do YOU not get what I am saying?

If my job pays 20k and my husband's pays 30k out house earns 50k.

If childcare costs 20k then the household has 30k. I might still describe it as "my whole salary" because it's the same amount but in the end, it comes from the family pot and we still end up with only 30k, that doesn't necessarily mean I feel personally responsible for the whole amount myself.

If I earned 30k and my husband earned 20k I might then describe it as "his whole salary" but again, it's the family pot that pays so who cares?!

It gets spoken about as it does because when women return to work, that's when the cost starts and then you do look at it vs your salary as that's the reason for the cost starting!! It really isn't some big feminist/patriarchy thing.

Of course, on MN families seem to operate with "I pay this, my husband pays that" which I think is just weird once you have kids so yeah, maybe for those couples it is a bigger issue!

Would you prefer to spend the same money on benefits for families who don't work for several generations and live in poverty because one parent won't pay the costs of raising their children and the other cannot afford to work?

Being a stay at home parent, even for a few years, has become deeply undervalued in this country. People like to say that it doesn’t matter who looks after the child when they are very little - it absolutely does and a nursery is no substitute a full-time involved parent. If a mother decides to go back to work that is completely her decision but if YOU don’t want to then don’t. If your gut is telling you to be with your child, do that.

Work won't love you back, do what works for you. I took 5 years out with my kids and they were the best years of my life, actually ended up in a far better place career wise too so wouldn't buy that one either.

I wish I’d be able to stay at home with my boy for three years

Thank you all so much for your comments – really interesting to read and so lovely to see how women look out for each other.

I’ve decided to stay at home with my baby and give up teaching (for now). I do see myself going back in the future, and supply will always be an option if I can’t get straight back into the classroom. I’m also planning to set up a tutoring business so I can keep some income coming in while spending the days with my son – all on my own terms.

I’m sorry to read some of the negative experiences around financial insecurity and husbands leaving – I really do hear you and I’ll keep those points in mind. I do feel very fortunate that my husband is very hands-on: he takes over in the evenings with baby’s dinner, bath and bedtime, cooks for us, helps tidy up, and encourages me to have time for myself too. He sees us as a team, and that’s how I view our marriage. I know things can change, but I didn’t go into marriage planning for divorce – I went into it expecting to share everything.

Just to clarify a point that came up: we pool all our money together, so it’s not literally my earnings going on childcare. It just doesn’t make sense for me to work only to pay someone else to raise my child when I’d prefer to do it myself.

And as for the tax comments – we’re not claiming any benefits, so you wouldn’t be paying a penny towards my household 😂.

Thanks again for all your insights – it’s really refreshing to have these kinds of conversations and support each other. ❤️