AIBU to pull out of returning to work after mat leave?

[harveygirl93]

Hi all,
looking for some advice.
I’ve been a teacher for 10 years. Currently on mat leave, due to finish in Jan. Back in May, I agreed to return part-time (head has even told parents and named the class after me).
Since then, our situation has changed — we don’t qualify for funded childcare anymore and basically all of my wages would just go on nursery. DH has said I don’t have to go back if I don’t want to, and I feel like I’d really regret missing this time with DC.
Trouble is, head has put me in Year 6. I’d be joining right before SATs and expected to go on residential/late school trips. I originally asked for 2 days a week but was told no, so it’s still a bigger commitment than I’d hoped for.
Thing is, I’ve already said yes to my head. Can I change my mind now? If I hand in notice before Oct half-term, does that mean I don’t have to return in Jan? Or have I boxed myself in by accepting?
I hate letting people down but also feel like these early years are more important than a job that’ll always be there.
(We’re also mid house move so can afford to pay back mat pay if needed.)
AIBU?

• YABU – you’ve committed, you need to go back.
• YANBU – it’s fine to change your mind and stay home.

Thanks in advance!

@Hiptothisjive Nope. Worked but part time. I just don’t like women who seem to think other women are defined by earning money and that is the only value they have. All mums have value.

Number of kids is a very valid point.

First off, you should do what suits you. If you'd rather stay home then go for it.

I went PT when my first child was born and thought I'd just do it until he was in school. I knew it would impact my career progression and finances but on balance I wanted time with my DC more (and of course had the luxury of it being a choice). However, we did decide to have 3 DC and 8 years later the impact of being PT is really biting, particularly on the career progression front. What I intended to be a 4 year period of treading water will be about 8 years in total, which is a different kettle of fish all together.

Sometimes the reality of going back after mat leave is much easier and more rewarding than you imagine.

I think it will be much harder to go back once your kid (maybe kids by then) are at school. The school days are shorter and less flexible, wrap around care is harder to find than a consistent nursery and lots of people I know who work are cutting their hours in the week for school starts to make it work.

@harveygirl93 do what works for you and your family. Your head sounds a bit of a nightmare if she put year 6 with a teacher on mat leave for the first term. Not fair on you or the class. You will have to pay back some mat pay and you might not find it easy to get another teaching job but you sound flexible enough to make it work with supply or TA work when ,you're ready. You don't get the time back with little ones.

I agree with this. I think you need to be a certain type of person to do it full time and do a great job of it. Tbf maybe you are that sort of person, being surrounded by kids all day for work. Personally working makes me a much better parent.

Will you want another baby and would it be beneficial to get maternity pay again? My 3 year old is in nursery 3 days a week still whilst I am on MAT & I think it’s only fair for DD2 to get some 1:1 time in that way. The other 4 days can be chaotic. Obviously they’re amazing too but it’s not the same maternity leave if you have 2 at home and I think DC2 wouldn’t get enough attention.

Currently on MAT leave and still dreading DD2 starting nursery but I know it’s better all around, which you won’t know until you do or don’t go back! It just feels so soon for her this time because we haven’t had all that 1:1 time you get with your first.

Having been the wife the husband left foranother woman very unexpectedly, do make sure your finances are properly in a row. Its amazing how someone can change and hold joint decisions against you when its no longer in their interests to do ao. You nlmay think it cant happen, but it can. Discuss whether you can make NI payments while not working, pension contributions etc. Research getting back into teaching also, maybe you can do some subbing? Also if you have said you are going back and you don't, you may have to pay back some of your mat pay. My career saved me in my divorce and not just for financial reasons. It gave me a purpose outside of marriage and kids and made my recivery far quicker i think. I would urge any woman to hold onto independence as much as they can Xx

Wow! 'You do it because subconsciously they get an unparalleled feeling of consistency, love and safety'
What a way to make working mothers feel inferior to those fortunate enough to have the choice to be SAHMs!

OP do what is best for you and your family. It's not just about the cost of childcare in the short term though. Consider your career, pension etc too. Ultimately do what us best for you. Your child will be happy whatever you decide.

Yes you can change your mind and decide not to return to work. If you don't resign until October half term, how do you envisage they are going to get a decent teacher to start in January?
Do the right thing, make a decision now. If you decide not to return tell them, resign, so they can advertise and get a good teacher for the year 6 class.

Ex-teacher here- definitely do it! I’ve had the best 7 years of my life at home with my babies 🥰

I would let the Head know ASAP- alternative arrangements can be made. Good luck and enjoy your new life 😊

Of course they do. I never implied otherwise.

And I don’t like women who use men for money and I don’t like men who suck off women for money etc etc etc.

Working isn’t always just about making money. I know a lot of very successful,women who really enjoy their jobs irrespective of the money they make. Working women aren’t defined in terms of value by the money they make - far too simplistic. Maybe you had a job and not a career? That isn’t a criticism but rather enjoying what yiu do and seeing value in that job is also valuable.

I love being a mum but it certainly isn’t my only value. I would hate to have all my value defined but being a mum. But again everyone I’d different. If that makes you happy then good on you.

Please go back.this is very similar to my situation- a teacher and reduced my hours to part time after a much wanted baby….
fast forward 8 years and my relationship is not going well. I have lost out on pension contributions and also struggling to find full time work ( in Scotland).
Please don’t give up lightly. Could you afford a lawyer if you separate? Do you have your own money ? My lawyer told me that even if we split 50:50 I can’t have sole ownership of house as I didn’t work full time!
my partner told me the same thing- you don’t HAVE to work. But thank god I had my job when I found out he’d been cheating on me. Just biding my time now and saving to leave.
consider what would happen if he left you. People change. I love my kids more than anything but so glad I went back to work. Good luck. You can do this x

I had the choice and went to work. Was a SAHM and hated it. I felt happier being at work and my kids were loved, safe and their lives were consistent. Such an antiquated view of motherhood to suggest otherwise (agreeing with you Throwntothewolves).

It’s not a competition.
Being a SAHM has its pros and cons, as does being a working mother. There’s no point denying the benefits and downsides of either.

Do you really not get it??

How many relationships have women as the higher earners and men thinking this way? Why is that? Have we stopped seeking equality all of a sudden?

Talking in a way that makes it appear that women are the ones responsible for either doing the childcare or paying for it spreads the belief that women should be doing the childcare or paying for it. And the pension gap for women is a massive issue.

I was responding to OP’s scenario.

Pension.

development

Career progression…….

Not all about money.

This is why we need fully funded free/cheap childcare for all children between the ages of 6 months-5 years (from the actual age and not the term after they reach that age). Until Men see that women work equally to them (and not being forced to work less hours due to childcare costs) we can never be seen as equal.

I’m not thrilled with the idea of paying 60% tax because women are continually choosing men who won’t parent to procreate with.

Do you plan to have any more children? If you do, it makes sense to go back, see how it goes and if you can manage, then maybe leave teaching for a bit after your next baby. If you like your school and would like to go back to that school if a vacancy comes up, then it is important to leave in the right way and on good terms. Some schools are really miserable places to work. Schools that provide lovely work environments have vacancies less frequently and you will struggle to go back. Also consider whether this is a school your child will go to and whether you are missing out on seeing your child during the school day when they are school age.

You’re mid house move? If it’s delayed for any reason, will your mortgage offer change if it becomes clear you’re unemployed, is your salary needed for it?

Put yourself and your family first. Your employer is never going to prioritise you.

@harveygirl93
You will need to pay back your enhanced maternity pay or go back for 13 weeks (longer if part time)

But don't worry about not going back. We think we're irreplaceable but we're not

Can I ask why you no longer qualify for funded hours?

I’m not thrilled with the idea of paying 60% tax because women are continually choosing men who won’t parent to procreate with.

lol we have an ageing population...