Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TW - DBil suicide attempt on DN’s birthday - help please

119 replies

goateee · 21/08/2025 09:23

My sisters DH tried to take his life the night before our DNs birthday who’s 6. She stayed with her grandma that night, on her actual birthday my sister went to pick her up, and returned home with her to find her husband had taken another overdose and was comatose. My DN witnessed this, her dad unconscious, the panic from her mummy and the ambulance coming.

My sister called me and DH to pick DN up from her house, which we obviously did. When we got there paramedics were working on DBIL and I was asked to take DN away from the house. We tried to make her birthday as normal as possible. She seems okay really, had a good day yesterday and didn’t say anything about her mummy or daddy.

DBIL is “okay” now, he has been medically stabilised and admitted to a psychiatric ward.

Sister has asked us to keep DN here for a few more days as she is exhausted and overwhelmed. This is absolutely fine with us.

How can I best help DN and DSis? I’m in absolute shock, I feel so sad for the whole family.

OP posts:
Aethelredtheunsteady · 21/08/2025 11:02

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

Show quote history

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I'm sorry that you've had family experience but this isn't the case. Many people die by suicide in their own home - research has shown it's the most common location (something I have observed anecdotally both professionally and personally).

SpaceRaccoon · 21/08/2025 11:05

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

With respect, that hasn't been my experience. I think it's dictated by what is available to the person in crises based on the laws of a particular country, for instance, or changing safety legislation (eg Sylvia Plath).

EnterFunnyNameHere · 21/08/2025 11:24

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

Show quote history

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house

What are you trying to achieve by writing this? OP is asking for how best to support her sister and niece, not sure that suggesting her sister is reacting "wrong" to this unbelievably stressful situation, or that her BiL was what, attention seeking (?) is helpful.

For what it's worth, I have also experienced suicide in my close circle, including a dear friend who did it at home (sadly, "successfully"), so your post is not just unhelpful but wrong.

Rachierach11 · 21/08/2025 11:30

greencrab · 21/08/2025 09:43

How awful for your niece.

I don't think there's is a right way to support your family in the immediate aftermath and following your instincts and doing the best you can is great. It would be a good idea to get professional support as the situation becomes less immediate, something like play therapy for your niece and extra support at school

Maybe your niece can have a birthday party or treat with friends when school restarts or something so that she can have more positive associations moving forward and that's quite a birthday thing for children with school holiday birthdays so doesn't need to be seen as an abnormal thing.

I wouldn't think I'd make the same choice as your sister but it's great you are able to not judge that and recognise that she is in shock. Maybe talk with her about if it would be good for niece to make a get better soon card or something for her dad whilst he is in hospital, not talking about something at all can be quite frightening for children and this frames it early on as an illness not a rejection by her dad.

No experience here but I think making a get well soon card and framing it as illness and not rejection is a fantastic idea. For it to happen on her birthday (best day of your life when you’re 6) must have been huge for her and she could have all sorts of feelings towards her Dad about that.

InveterateWineDrinker · 21/08/2025 11:51

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

Show quote history

I'm afraid I'm another one who finds this spectacularly unhelpful and misleading.

A schoolfriend of mine was successful in his attempt, at home, on his twin DC's sixth birthday. He used a knife, and the kids found him. I'm not sure there's much you can do at the moment, OP, apart from react calmly to events as they unfurl, and doing what you need to do on each moment's merits - whether you've been asked to or not.

Don't get involved in the relationship going forward; that's something they need to deal with themselves, in a fully informed manner which includes compliance with treatment. I can't speak for anyone else, but my marriage vows included "in sickness and in health" and I meant them when I said them.

Netcurtainnelly · 21/08/2025 12:08

Why on.kids birthday's?

Mikart · 21/08/2025 12:19

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

Show quote history

Not in my experience. My ds took his life in his home and it was genuine.

MounjaroMounjaro · 21/08/2025 12:19

I'm so sorry, @Mikart. That must have been heartbreaking.

WhiteRose9791 · 21/08/2025 12:24

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

Show quote history

"genuine attempts always take place outside the house". My brother took his own life in the family home. Seems like a genuine attempt to me.

InterestedDad37 · 21/08/2025 12:28

Aethelredtheunsteady · 21/08/2025 11:02

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I'm sorry that you've had family experience but this isn't the case. Many people die by suicide in their own home - research has shown it's the most common location (something I have observed anecdotally both professionally and personally).

Show quote history

I've known 3 men around my age who have taken their own lives - one was outside the home, two were at home. And a female friend, when we were about 20 yrs old - at home too. 🙁

GreenFlag · 21/08/2025 12:45

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

Show quote history

I knew one of you would be in the comments sooner rather than later.

Sdpbody · 21/08/2025 12:46

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

Show quote history

I would also end the relationship.

I do think suicide in general is selfish, but doing it at home, knowing your daughter would find you, on her birthday, is just too much for me to forgive.

WhereIsMyJumper · 21/08/2025 12:49

Muffinmam · 21/08/2025 10:28

I agree.

My priority would be to my own child. I would also end the relationship. He took an overdose knowing he would be found and knowing his daughter would see him comatose. And be did all this right before her birthday.

I have experience of suicide in my own family and genuine attempts always take place outside the house.

I think the OP’s priority needs to be her niece as her sister seems to be more concerned with her husband. The husband shouldn’t move back into the house. He isn’t a safe person to be around this child.

Show quote history

I agree

wombat1a · 21/08/2025 12:49

I think what you are doing is what your DSis needs you to do, she knows your DN is in a safe loving place and thats probably a better place for her at the moment than being with her mother who is probably in a state.

WRT to real attempts being outside, not in my experience, DBiL managed it at home.

jonthebatiste · 21/08/2025 12:54

What you’re doing is what you need to continue to do. Please don’t judge your sister for not coming to visit your DN. She may be sparing her DD. She has trusted you with her child’s life. Just take it all one day at a time.

UncertainPerson · 21/08/2025 13:04

I think a PP is right that you should talk about it with DN and allow her to express her feelings. Someone you love being suicidal is at one level the most profound rejection of all. Even if it’s not strictly true, there’s a narrative in your head that your close person didn’t see you as a good enough reason to stick around. I think it’s important to talk about Dad not being very well. Kids are ego-centric in their development and tend to assume things are their fault, and it’s important DN knows that this wasn’t her fault.

MaryMungoMidgley · 21/08/2025 13:08

I feel sorry for the bloke but it seems pretty awful that he chose to do it on his daughter's birthday ☹️

inigomontoyahwillcox · 21/08/2025 13:10

Just to reiterate what others have said about your Dsis not yet coming to see DN. She knows she is in a safe, secure and loving environment with people she can trust. She will be under no false illusions as to the fall out on her daughter but that can and will be dealt with in the proceeding weeks/months/years. Right now she will be in survival mode and managing all the urgent things that need to be dealt with (e.g. her DH's care, liaising with anyone who needs to be made aware, such as his employer, family members etc.) as well as her own shock.

I say this as someone who had to deal my DH's couple of aborted attempts and a failed hanging almost 2 years ago, so I can understand the pressure your Dsis is currently under. My immediate concerns for DD (15 at the time) was that someone got rid of the noose in the garage before she popped home and saw it (she was with some good friends a few doors down) to stop any further damage to her. But in the longer term I got her counselling and didn't shy away from having conversations with her about it.

CatamaranViper · 21/08/2025 13:19

Fedupwiththecuts · 21/08/2025 09:45

I would agree with this. She knows DN is safe and cared for. She'll be much less reassured about BIL.

I don't know what your situation is but is DH able to sit with his brother to give SIL a break? Even if it's for her to go and get a shower/change of clothes. She may even want to see DN for a bit but doesn't want to leave BIL.

Show quote history

It's not his brother, it's OPs sister and her husband.

OP well done for stepping up and helping. You've made the situation significantly better for your DN and your DS by doing this. Be proud that they both love and trust you so much. I do agree in making sure your DN knows they can talk about what they experienced but without adding any pressure.

Ponoka7 · 21/08/2025 13:19

How best to support your DN? Tell your sister that your DN's needs, need to come first. Hopefully it's been reported to SS, because she has got caught up in her DH's mental illness and is prioritising him and needs a reality check on the effect on her daughter.

Do you not think that your DN not talking about her parents, isn't a sign that she's burying trauma? There's help online on how to talk to children. You need to speak to Dsis first. If things continue as they are, your DN is at risk of further serious harm (she's already experienced it) and it can't be avoided. Her DH should stay in as long as possible, then go to stay outside of the home, would you be willing to put him up?

IvyNeighbour · 21/08/2025 13:20

What a difficult situation OP, I imagine its a relief to everyone involved that DN is safe and cared for with you. I'm sure your DSIS would appreciate updates a few times a day on your DN without needing to ask or reply. Just a nice photo and a message about how she is and what she's been up to to reassure her DN is safe and well.

Eskarina1 · 21/08/2025 13:23

I was in your DNs shoes growing up. I don't remember witnessing anything but I knew enough by 9 to tell my mum i was scared to come home without her there in case dad had hung himself.

Short term, I have coping mechanisms built on what we did when things were bad (eating my favourite foods, watching favourite movies). My great aunt would make me soup and give me her daughters toys from the 60s. Or we'd clean.

Long term - if this is something that continues

My mum wishes someone had told her sooner that she was OK to prioritise me, my sibling and herself. Keeping dad happy was EVERYTHING for years and it exhausted her, put me and sibling through very challenging times and left us all with trauma. Dad got better out of the home with intensive support.

I wish someone had stopped people from telling me to be good for dad / that I was his reason for living. It changed who I am. I am always looking for the space I need to fill / what is needed from me. I went from the loudest girl in school to permanently in the background. Be the person she can be herself with.

LifeOfAShowGirl · 21/08/2025 13:23

MaryMungoMidgley · 21/08/2025 13:08

I feel sorry for the bloke but it seems pretty awful that he chose to do it on his daughter's birthday ☹️

My university housemate killed herself on my birthday. When you’re that unwell, nothing else is going through your mind.

CustardySergeant · 21/08/2025 13:28

LifeOfAShowGirl · 21/08/2025 13:23

My university housemate killed herself on my birthday. When you’re that unwell, nothing else is going through your mind.

Show quote history

Exactly. When every second of life is unbearably painful, you just want the agony to stop.

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 21/08/2025 13:29

You are a wonderful sister and aunty. Just support your DN as you are doing now. Offer her plenty of fun, keep her routine going (don't be tempted to spoil her with junk food and late bedtimes), answer her questions as appropriate (Daddy is unwell and the doctors are trying to help him in hospital), don't make empty promises (yes he will get better and you will all be a happy family- he may not, so say rather I really hope so, love).