Threatening suicide

[Waaydownwego]

Sorry for long post, need some advice feeling quite upset. Had a huge blow up with my partner resulting in him threatening suicide and don't know what to do. He is facing redundancy and found out he didn't get a job he applied for. I'd spoke to him via text a few times in the afternoon and tried to be supportive, telling him it'll work out and sending job adverts etc.

After work I got home and said a throwaway comment about me being stressed as work is very stressful along with other commitments and struggling to find enough hours this week. The redundancy is obviously a stress to me too but I know it is happening to him and it probably was insensitive to say I was stressed. He didn't say anything but was giving me silent treatment and I did realise perhaps it was selfish to say I was stressed so tried to change the conversation to him. He was upset later on about his career so comforted him, helped him apply for other roles and stayed up late to chat etc.

This morning I was working at home and I asked who was walking dog today, I admit I was probably short to him but was in my own head trying to plan the day. Resulted in a massive argument and I then snapped at him as he said that he does everything and I should be able to shoulder my stress and not make everything about me. Says I only care about impact of his redundancy on myself. He was screaming, threw things at the wall and then told me he wants to kill himself, everything is shit and that nothing he does for me is good enough. Left the house with no phone for over an hour while I'm frantically worrying that he's hurt himself.

He came back and have tried to talk but he just keeps saying I am selfish. I can see why he is hurt but feel his reactions out of order and effectively blaming me for wanting to kill himself. I said I feel unsafe when he reacts that way but he then said he feels unsafe as he doesn't know what he might do to himself living in this house with me. I know he is hurting and I have tried to support him but feel like he is twisting things to say I am only worried about myself and that I'm driving him to suicide. This is probably the 3rd time something like this has happened in a few years and I can't just pretend things are fine.

He needs to go to his doctor urgently for help.

If he's not usually like this - I'd assume acute depressive episode and get him to GP quick.

Do you mean screaming or shouting? A grown man screaming and throwing things is completely out of control and in crisis.

Make an emergency GP appointment or phone NHS Direct option 2 and speak to the mental health team.

Tell him if he threatens suicide then you will be calling 999 and he is a danger to himself. He either needs it or you’ll be calling his bluff if he doesn’t.

Threatening suicide is a common manipulation and abuse tactic and I wouldn’t be pandering to it. He doesn’t know what he might do to himself living in “this house”? I’d tell him if it’s so unbearable then why doesn’t he leave.

I would be saying to him that while you’re sorry he’s been made redundant, shouting and throwing things and threatening suicide isn’t the answer. If he genuinely feels suicidal then you’ll be ringing an ambulance so he can be sectioned for his own safety. See how quickly he backs down. They invariably do.

I would just ignore him and would not pander to him

Silent treat, violence at objects, threatening you with suicide are all abuse. Call women's aid.

Tell the police that the man is threatening suicide and smashing up the house.

Women's Aid can help you free yourself of your abuser.

Or maybe he's just an abusive prick? Especially since this isn't the first time he has behaved like this.

This.

The fact that he's shouting, throwing things at the wall and blaming you make me think he's relishing the opportunity the redundancy has gifted him. That may sound harsh but it wouldn't be the first time and it won't be the last.

If he was genuinely suicidal I suspect he'd be quietly planning how to do it rather than abusing you

Perhaps he is. However we don't have any idea if he's abusive or having a breakdown. He could suffer from poor mental health and have had other breakdowns.

There is a massive increase in male suicide deaths in the UK. Please don't just ignore it, especially if its out of character.

Obviously I don’t know, but I really don’t think it’s that. I get the feeling this is nothing to do with emotional blackmail and that this man is broken and crying out for help.

It can be. It can also be genuine. I agree that suicide can be an abuse tactic but unless he is otherwise abusive I would always err on the side of caution.

Imagine the flip side of this post: I've come home having lost my job, I feel really rock bottom and my partner is going on about how stressful it all is for them. Then this morning they barely talked to me other than to order me to walk the dog, and I fell apart. I tried to tell them how I felt and now they are saying how selfish I am for making things harder for them.

I don't know, it's hard to say just from OP.

It can be abusive or it can also be a common precursor to suicide. Phone his gp, preferably with his consent but phone them whatever. Allow professionals to assess it.

GP can't do anything without the persons permission.
They cant actually speak to any next of kin and discuss him either without permission
Either call 999 or take him to A/E if its felt he's at acute risk of harming himself.
If he refuses to go in the ambulance they cant force him either- unless he's sectioned. Or arrested.

I don't think I'd have the patience for this. I'd be very suspicious that he's using this to manipulate you and make you feel bad. I agree with a PP that I'd be telling him that if he told me that again, I'd call for help (call his bluff, but not phrase it that way) because you can't go on like this. If he's doing this repeatedly, I'd be seriously considering ending the relationship.

See this is exactly my worry but I have tried to support him and the stress I'm feeling is related to my job, not trying to make the redundancy about me but I can see how he has got to that conclusion

I guess the thing is that this isn't the first time and it's also not the first time he's screamed and thrown things so any period of stress makes me worry things like this morning will happen again. I just don't feel his reaction was reasonable to my actions especially given that I'd spent most of the night consoling him (albeit I did make an insensitive comment about being stressed initially)

OP, you’re not allowed to be stressed. You are being selfish by not centering him. He’s going through something really stressful so you must ignore your feelings and make sure he is ok. You really can’t lose your temper around him, regardless of how difficult it may be to know what will set him off. Doesn’t matter if he’s being unreasonable, you’ve got to anticipate what will anger him and avoid doing that. You take the dog for a walk without asking who will be doing it, unless he wants to do it in which case you should instinctively know this. If he screams and shouts and breaks things, you quietly tidy up and apologise for whatever you did that angered him. Don’t vocalise your upset at his behaviour, that’s not his problem. He threatens suicide, you chase after him and doing anything and everything he wants you to do in order to placate him. Make yourself as small as possible so you can concentrate on him entirely.

Does that sound reasonable? No? Good!!

He is being a manipulative, abusive, selfish a-hole. He is either in the middle of a massive mental health crisis that needs immediate medical intervention OR he needs a massive wake up call.

This “I did realise perhaps it was selfish to say I was stressed” is completely wrong. Millions of people are being made redundant and millions more don’t’ get jobs they apply for. Bet they’re not losing their shit at their partners and smashing the house up. Just because he’s going through something doesn’t mean life for everyone else has to stop. Does he ever ask you how you are?

The previous times he’s done this, was he being made redundant then? What triggered those episodes? Years ago I had a friend who would always cry when she was drunk and would regularly threaten suicide. We’d spend hours talking her through the latest crisis to the extent I spoke to one of my relatives who was a mental health nurse. He said people who were genuinely going to commit suicide would generally just do it without and we talked through signs that would be a concern and things that were basically attention seeking. Your DP walking out after an argument and stonewalling you is the latter. If he’s that upset he needs urgent medical help. Contact his GP and tell them. You call 999. You cannot help him if he’s that vulnerable. It’s not up to you to decide, leave it to the professionals.

This - Op!

Threats of suicide whilst also being aggressive and blaming the partner are a common manipulation technique - and can be the beginning of escalation in abusive behaviour.

whilst it could be genuine you don’t mention any actual suicide attempts. Has he ever been sectioned, tried to kill himself? Has he ever been GP and tried antidepressants or other help?

Do you feel safe Op?

Things that set it off previously was job stress and the other due to moving house. It feels like any time we are under stress he can't cope. I do think he might be depressed but at the same time, I can't mentally take these episodes either and he does nothing to help himself. I've asked him to go to counselling and he refuses. He just ignores it until it builds up to something like this. I'm also sick of him slamming doors, throwing things and punching walls while I will be talked down to when I accidentally damage something. This doesn't happen often, it's probably been a year or two since that last happened but today has thrown me straight back into panic mode.

I do wonder it is all my fault, that I'm self absorbed and hard work but I also know that I spend most of my time trying to think about what will make him happy even if my actions don't reflect that all the time. The suicide threats are really horrible as makes me feel that I'm to blame for how he feels about himself but there are obviously other factors too.

Just all feels too much. I don't feel safe when he behaves that way as he completely loses it, I grabbed my car keys when I heard him come back incase things escalated and I told him that I don't feel safe. But I also don't feel I can leave him in when he's already this worked up.

OP, this isn’t your fault and it absolutely won’t be your responsibility if he chooses to hurt himself in any way. He needs psychiatric help. You’re his partner, not a mental health worker. He can’t use you as an emotional punch bag as an alternative to getting proper help.

Take a big deep breath and tell yourself you have not done anything wrong. Because you haven’t.

He refuses to get help and kicks off aggressively. I would not live with a man like that. I would not try to placate him or walk on egg shells round him. I would tell him to get help and focus on finding a new job. And I would expect to be thanked for the help I’m giving him job searching.

My advice would be you don’t have to believe it but you should always take it seriously

Hope you are OK, and safe, OP.
For me, the reasons behind your partner's behaviour are wholly irrelevant.
He has form for making you feel anxious and unsafe, and as a result you are exhausting yourself by analysing and criticicising yourself-but you haven't done anything wrong!
After his recent outbursts you have been in literal flight mode, ready to flee your home to avoid him hurting you.
I really isn't relevant whether he is suicidal or not suicidal, you are entitled to feel safe and should not feel that he is your responsibility to fix.
If he is genuinely mentally unwell and in crisis, phone 999 once you are away from the house. and staying somewhere safe.
If he is being abusive and threatening, also phone 999.
Let the emergency services process him.
And lets see if he tries to explain it all away as a big misunderstanding.
I wonder if he has thrown things at his work colleagues or damaged walls at work.
My guess would be no.