Threatening suicide

[Waaydownwego]

Sorry for long post, need some advice feeling quite upset. Had a huge blow up with my partner resulting in him threatening suicide and don't know what to do. He is facing redundancy and found out he didn't get a job he applied for. I'd spoke to him via text a few times in the afternoon and tried to be supportive, telling him it'll work out and sending job adverts etc.

After work I got home and said a throwaway comment about me being stressed as work is very stressful along with other commitments and struggling to find enough hours this week. The redundancy is obviously a stress to me too but I know it is happening to him and it probably was insensitive to say I was stressed. He didn't say anything but was giving me silent treatment and I did realise perhaps it was selfish to say I was stressed so tried to change the conversation to him. He was upset later on about his career so comforted him, helped him apply for other roles and stayed up late to chat etc.

This morning I was working at home and I asked who was walking dog today, I admit I was probably short to him but was in my own head trying to plan the day. Resulted in a massive argument and I then snapped at him as he said that he does everything and I should be able to shoulder my stress and not make everything about me. Says I only care about impact of his redundancy on myself. He was screaming, threw things at the wall and then told me he wants to kill himself, everything is shit and that nothing he does for me is good enough. Left the house with no phone for over an hour while I'm frantically worrying that he's hurt himself.

He came back and have tried to talk but he just keeps saying I am selfish. I can see why he is hurt but feel his reactions out of order and effectively blaming me for wanting to kill himself. I said I feel unsafe when he reacts that way but he then said he feels unsafe as he doesn't know what he might do to himself living in this house with me. I know he is hurting and I have tried to support him but feel like he is twisting things to say I am only worried about myself and that I'm driving him to suicide. This is probably the 3rd time something like this has happened in a few years and I can't just pretend things are fine.

No, sweetheart, you are not a burden to your family. If you tell them exactly what you have told us they will understand and want to help you.

exactly this. And do it. Do both of you a favour.

He is abusing you.
Call the police and ask for help.
He is threatening suicide to control you.
He has form.
You cannot fix him.
Call the police and hand it over to the professionals.
Pack a bag and go and stay with someone.
Reach out for support.

I've sorted of experienced both sides

So full disclosure I've suffered with mental illness for over 25+ years and unfortunately have been actively suicidal during that time....HOWEVER I never ever once used it as a threat to make someone do something. That to me is controlling and abusive.

On the other hand my abusive ex, I remember vividly one night when I was telling him it was over and I was leaving walked into the kitchen, grabbed a knife and told me if I did he'd (don't want to type it but you can guess what) which scared the living shit out of me, he told me it would be my fault and that I'd driven him to it. And I backed down and stayed (good news I'm long since away from that but I still remember it). This coming from the man who after my suicide attempt that very nearly killed me (after basically I snapped and decide couldnt live with the abuse anymore) told me he wished I'd died.

He too used to love using the silent treatment to punish me. Walking on eggshells all the time was exhausting.

If he's genuinely suicidal then he needs to immediately seek medical help. But ultimately know you are NOT responsible for him no matter what he threatens you with

So sorry this sounds so distressing and terrifying. I hope things are better for you now

It’s a myth that people who threaten suicide don’t do it. People do go ahead and do it.

Not everything is manipulation. The mentions silent treatment maybe he’s just at the end of his tether.

This is tragically true.

However, it is also true that it is not the OP's responsibility to save him.

OP, in your position, personally I would take the dog (to keep it safe) and leave. I would phone the police and say he is threatening suicide. That you have left because you don't feel safe, so can they do a welfare check on him.
You are not a burden to your family. They love you.
Good luck.

He is using you as an emotional punch bag

Not a single person here online is qualified or in the position to say whether this man is suicidal or not. Its really dangerous for complete strangers to be saying he is just being manipulative and equally dangerous saying he isn't. This is literally someone's life we are talking about.

Op, if I were you id get off mumsnet and firstly contact gp, the authorities, and an organisation that is familiar with this. They are equipped with the professional skills etc to deal with this. Whatever is going on, your partner isn't well. Lastly you aren't to blame but this is above your paygrade to have to handle alone.

OP said he has form. So yes, it absolutely is a bloody manipulation tactic.

Problem with suicide threats is that they’re so emotive that the person threatening knows all they have to do is say they’ll kill themselves and the person they’re threatening/abusing/coercing will back down because they’ll feel they’re to blame. They’re not.

No-one is ever to blame for someone else’s suicide. Even if the person is genuinely suicidal the choice to go through with it is ultimately theirs.

Let’s not start justifying the silent treatment, and throwing things with threats of suicide shall we?

It should absolutely be acknowledged that those who are genuinely suicidal or who we believe to be genuinely suicidal need support. But we absolutely should not be telling people that threatening suicide is ok and that the silent treatment is justified.

The only response to someone threatening suicide should be to call 999. Nobody should be engaging with it or being made to feel responsible for it.

If someone is genuinely suicidal they need professional help. So if someone is using it as a manipulation tactic then the understanding should be that no-one is ever encouraged to reason with someone threatening suicide and blaming them for it, that if they do so it’ll be 999 and a potential trip to psychiatric treatment.

The only response to a partner repeatedly threatening to self harm is to involve the authorities, the police.
OP is neither responsible, nor qualified to prevent it.
She IS entitled to protect HER mental health against threats of self harm, which is what she should do.

Being on the oustide of someone going through something horrific is hard, knowing snippets of what's going on, not knowing what's happening, not knowing you're safe. Please consider being open with your family. Shining a light on your partner's behaviour will show up those cobwebs he wants kept hidden. Keeping quiet only benefits him.

Please don't consider yourself a burden. Would you think that if one of them was where you are?

Please speak to someone today, whether it's your family, WA your GP, whoever you feel you can speak to, take that first step

OP, you don't have to keep doing this with this man. He is unstable. He is emotionally illiterate, meaning he can't just tell you how he feels and work towards a plan to resolving that.

Yes, it's shit losing your job, it's shit not getting accepted for jobs, but most of us would be able to say "I know you've had a hard day at work, I am also having a hard time because I'm not in work, and I know both things can be true at the same time".

Instead he is emotionally abusing you, he is throwing things, breaking things, he is using scare tactics to get you to conform.

These are all choices he is making.

Even threatening to kill himself is a choice he is making, whether or not he means it.

You need to accept you can't save him. It isn't your job.

You might love him, he might love you in his own skewed way, but love isn't just a feeling. Love is actions. Love is what you choose.

He isn't choosing to love you how you deserve to be loved.

How can he love you, when he can't even love himself enough to sort out his mental health?

And it is really important for you to know that a course of medication and a stint of CBT won't fix this, and so you do not have to (and I dare say should not) stick around while he figures this out for himself.

Go and live your life free from this abuse.

His loneliness is self inflicted, it isn't you inflicting loneliness or isolation on him at his darkest times.

It's a hard realisation that the person who is supposed to love us above all others is emotionally abusing us. The highs and lows were more than bad enough already but to learn that it's been a deliberate tactic to try and put themselves higher than us, in their minds, is an absolute headfuck.

It's really quite pathetic behaviour, if it wasn't so deliberate and dangerous it would be pitiable.

Really appreciate this advice I've had and been thinking a lot. If you were in my situation and thinking it's over, would you just leave straight away or try and stick it out until he finds another job? I think between this and other factors it's became glaringly clear to me that it's over. I just don't know how to break up with him during this period when he's told me he has no self esteem already but feel I'm sticking around at the cost of myself / future I want.

I would try and find support from a women’s centre. Plan everything. Get your ducks lined up as they say. Make sure you know what needs to happen, and have a grab bag at someone else’s house just in case.

Mentally rehearse the conversation and how he’s likely to be, for example knowing that you will ring the police if he gets explosive, having some phrases on repeat so you don’t feel silenced by him and unable to respond.

Don’t feel any need to be honest- your primary duty is self preservation. If he gets angry and threatens to leave, let him be the one that ends the relationship even if it was you who really wanted to!

I think you should leave as soon as you can.
If it’s any consolation to know an old bf brother had a relationship with a girl that became extremely volatile and like this. She couldn’t hold down jobs, was very hostile at times to the point she would throw things, and even accidentally stabbed him in leg throwing a knife, and was always threatening suicide. He couldn’t cope after stabbing episode and left. She did attempt suicide but thankfully it was more of a cry for help. She was sectioned after that and her family stepped in. I don’t know what she ended up diagnosed with but i think she must have become medicated as it changed her life - she is now married with children and a job. Bf brother is likewise happily married to someone else! I truly think if he stayed with the first girl he’d have done her no favours as she needed serious help he could not have provided and he himself was becoming ground down by what had become a toxic relationship helping neither of them. So whilst you see leaving a selfish act on your part - genuinely it might be what he needs to sort his life out. And fundamentally you cannot help him right now and certainly not at the expense of your own health and safety.
I hope you have some real life support. Do look after yourself x

Thank you that really helps, part of me is thinking that I'm not really helping him either. Although short time I'd be making his life easier financially, I think things have become toxic and he has no real incentive to change his life. He's developed very unhealthy coping mechanisms and is unwilling to see a professional to help with the low self esteem and then blames me for it. At the end of the day he has parents who would never see him out on the street and would try to help. Just feel like a terrible person like I'm kicking him when he's already down

My advice to you is the same as before.

Go now, take the dog. Tell him to use the free time he has gained from being made redundant to go and sort out help, counselling etc.

if you concerned about how he will take it, then you could say you are willing to support him to get this underway, maybe accompany him to an initial doctor's appointment and explain how appallingly he has been behaving etc. but it's something he has to follow through himself.

If you stay, he has no incentive to change.

Cruel to be kind is an old saying.

I agree that getting help to leave as safely as you can from Women's Aid or similar organisation is a good idea @Waaydownwego . It's a potentially dangerous time for you, they don't like to lose their control.

The longer you stay with him the more susceptible you will be to his manipulation, even though you can see it now he will still be working on you and they can be very subtle and believable. Ripping the plaster off, as safely as you can for yourself, is the better option.

You can leave first, then converse by phone. You don't have to have a leaving conversation face to face if you are worried about him being violent.

If he has parents who wouldn't see him on the street, can you contact them after you have gone and say you have left, explain the reasons why and tell them you are going to contact him to tell him you are not coming back. Will they go round to support him?

OP, it is over.
He will never sort himself out while you are his crutch.
Astonishing how many men suffer with depression unable to do anything until they suddenly have to.
My friends daughter had the most narrow of escapes, by due to Covid, cancelling her wedding to one such man.
He was living in her house and lost all interest in work and life during Covid, he was hugely into football and his team.
Wouldn't be helped, nor seek it, and when he lost his job would not look for another.

6 months later he decided he would do a Phd the following September, after he took the summer off, and became quite nasty when she told him that she was not footing the cost.
She was selfish and not a team player apparently.

She was so done.
He was told he had a week to pack up his stuff and move out of HER home.
Her brothers "helped" him in the end.

He went back to his parents reluctantly.
Within one month he was back working as his parents were not prepared to fund him at all. Bed and board with him doing all gardening and having to paint his family home helped focus him.

He found a job quick enough.
He hadn't been able to lift a finger while living with her.

She never regretted her decision.
She was single for a while and took time to decompress from the stress of him.

She has only very recently met someone else, but IMO better alone than living a life of being the adult in the relationship.