Threatening suicide

[Waaydownwego]

Sorry for long post, need some advice feeling quite upset. Had a huge blow up with my partner resulting in him threatening suicide and don't know what to do. He is facing redundancy and found out he didn't get a job he applied for. I'd spoke to him via text a few times in the afternoon and tried to be supportive, telling him it'll work out and sending job adverts etc.

After work I got home and said a throwaway comment about me being stressed as work is very stressful along with other commitments and struggling to find enough hours this week. The redundancy is obviously a stress to me too but I know it is happening to him and it probably was insensitive to say I was stressed. He didn't say anything but was giving me silent treatment and I did realise perhaps it was selfish to say I was stressed so tried to change the conversation to him. He was upset later on about his career so comforted him, helped him apply for other roles and stayed up late to chat etc.

This morning I was working at home and I asked who was walking dog today, I admit I was probably short to him but was in my own head trying to plan the day. Resulted in a massive argument and I then snapped at him as he said that he does everything and I should be able to shoulder my stress and not make everything about me. Says I only care about impact of his redundancy on myself. He was screaming, threw things at the wall and then told me he wants to kill himself, everything is shit and that nothing he does for me is good enough. Left the house with no phone for over an hour while I'm frantically worrying that he's hurt himself.

He came back and have tried to talk but he just keeps saying I am selfish. I can see why he is hurt but feel his reactions out of order and effectively blaming me for wanting to kill himself. I said I feel unsafe when he reacts that way but he then said he feels unsafe as he doesn't know what he might do to himself living in this house with me. I know he is hurting and I have tried to support him but feel like he is twisting things to say I am only worried about myself and that I'm driving him to suicide. This is probably the 3rd time something like this has happened in a few years and I can't just pretend things are fine.

Thanks I feel a bit better that it's not all my fault just really mentally exhausted and anxious from it today and don't know what to say to him.

He was screaming, threw things at the wall...

@Waaydownwego Whose things was he throwing? Were they yours, his or shared?

In either case, you are not responsible, for his actions, choices or behavior. You may want to support and help him, but you can only do that if is willing to accept your help.

If you don't want to be around him then listen to yourself properly.
Re-read the posts you've put here today. Remember how awful he's been in the past without redundancy causing his stress.

He sounds horrible.
The extra stress isn't causing this - he is scary.

You live together and share a dog? Any children?

What’s your financial situation like, who owns the house etc?

This is a tough time, and he may well be struggling, but you have done all you can. He needs to get help somewhere else. If he starts again, lock yourself in the bathroom and call 999. You deserve to be safe, too.

An XBF used to threaten suicide, I started to ignore him instead of pandering to him. He then threatened to kill himself and take me with him...
It's abuse.

Usually, the people who scream and shout and threaten suicide don't actually do it. It's the person who goes quiet and says "I'm fine" who suddenly ends their life. At least that's what I've been told. Others will correct me if I'm wrong.

You can only be responsible for yourself and he can only be responsible for himself. If hes kicking off and blaming you for him being stressed then he needs to seek help. Its not your fault in any way. If he doesn't want to be in the relationship he would be out the door. He wants to use you as a punching bag so he's still there. Call the police if he is violent, tell them about the suicide threats and get him sectioned. That will shut him up.

This “partner” of yours should see a doctor. If he doesn’t, you dump him. People who threaten suicide to win conversations and are adults are scumbags. It’s an aspect of domestic abuse. Along with the other things you describe, I’d say he was on the way to being more abusive to you.

No kids involved and a joint mortgage

Op this is his reaction to stress, any stress, it won't change unless he gets help to learn how to manage it. He's angry at you because you have a job and he doesn't, that's not your fault, he needs an outlet for his pent up anger so he smashes walls and doors. You are not safe and this will not change, how long until you are the punching bag? I remember taking my DD to see a Fireman Sam show, he taught the kids ' get out, stay out, dial 999' wise words

See this is exactly my worry but I have tried to support him and the stress I'm feeling is related to my job, not trying to make the redundancy about me but I can see how he has got to that conclusion

People going through genuine depressive episodes like this can feel absolutely crushed by their stresses, legitimate or otherwise. What they're going through can feel like the literal end of the world, and they can struggle to see it from any other perspective.

They can also struggle to see how it affects others, or how anything else in life is affecting others, because their brain is laser focused on what's happening to them, and how devastating that is for them.

So when you mention how something makes you feel, or even a non-event like someone cutting you up in traffic, instead of processing that as they normally would, their reaction can be "Well, what does that have to do with what I'm going through? How is that worse than what I'm dealing with? Why are they bringing that up when it's me that needs help? They don't care about me."

I guess the thing is that this isn't the first time and it's also not the first time he's screamed and thrown things so any period of stress makes me worry things like this morning will happen again. I just don't feel his reaction was reasonable to my actions especially given that I'd spent most of the night consoling him (albeit I did make an insensitive comment about being stressed initially)

And this is where the problem lies, because someone who isn't necessarily as depressed as they say, or at all, can knowingly use this kind of behavior to manipulate the people who care about them.

Only you'll know which is more likely.

OP, he has choices over his actions. Even if he feels down, and sad, and stressed.

He can choose not to throw things. He can choose not to punch walls. He can choose not to belittle you and make you walk on eggshells.

But he can also choose to do those things, and by making that choice he is making you unsafe, responsible for his reactions, and he's slowly groomed you to make you think this is acceptable behaviour.

As hard as it is to hear, his happiness is his responsibility, not yours.

Your happiness is yours, and so is your safety. Leave this abusive man.

It's not right to be constantly watching your own actions or words around another person in case you set them off.

I found myself in this scenario with my DH, but it was out of character so I wasn't sure what was happening. But after one particularly unnecessary outburst from him, I had a very frank conversation and the upshot was he had recently had a medication change and this was a side effect. He went to the doctor and was prescribed something else and it was sorted.

Every marriage/partnership encounters blips along the way, but if you can't discuss them you will never move passed them. If I hadn't been able to point out to my DH that his behaviour was not right then I wouldn't have a happy or long term marriage.

OP, your partner's behaviour is totally inappropriate and you are too scared to address it.

If it were me, I would depart, with dog, and any precious possessions to a relatives or a Travelodge etc., for a couple of days and issue an ultimatum. Either he commits to using the free time he is about to get through redundancy to get medical help/counselling/anger management or whatever, for his behaviour or you are ending the relationship.

I do wonder it is all my fault, that I'm self absorbed and hard work but I also know that I spend most of my time trying to think about what will make him happy

This is classic abuse victim thinking. It is NOT your fault. You are not whatever he's told you you are. You are wasting your time trying to think of things to make him happy because he doesn't want to be.

His behaviour works for him. It has you constantly thinking of him, trying to work out how to keep the good times happening and not have him 'reacting'. He is reacting to nothing. You could do exactly what he asks of you and he'll still find fault, because he wants to. It's extremely fucked up but that's what they do. And why do they do it? So you are thinking of them and not yourself so he can get you into such a state that you accept his behaviour and your self esteem is so low you believe what he tells you and doubt yourself. Please stop doubting yourself. It's not you, it's him.

Please do not tell this man you think he is abusive, try and act as you normally would. They can sense the change when you realise what you've been enduring and will usually start being all nice again (part of the cycle, as you'll know already) but they will escalate. You need punished, in his eyes. He needs control.

Please consider speaking to Women's Aid or a similar charity about your situation and get some real life support

Thank you for the advice I'm reading it all. The main reason I posted this and needed to tell people is that I feel so confused about how things escalated and how the small things I've done or said wrong deserved that kind of reaction but then partly blame myself for being selfish. I was genuinely oblivious to what set him off this morning until it happened. I understand he's struggling but I'm just at the point of feeling like I'm sacrificing my own mental health. I've spent all day trying to have meetings at work while on the verge of tears and feeling like my brain is going to explode and I just really don't want to feel like this again.

I think you should get some support for yourself and start planning your own life.

This could end very badly for you, and you mustn’t blame yourself. Have you got friends or family to help you? This situation is too intense. You cannot, repeat cannot regulate someone else’s suicidal or abusive behaviour. You need to be thinking about yourself.

Can you see your GP and reach out yo friends and family tonight?

Talk to women’s aid. If he explodes again call the police.

This is not your fault. You don’t exist to manage his moods. You are allowed your own emotions.

The whole episode from silent treatment to threatening Suicide and throwing things are all on the list or abusive behaviour

Yes it sounds like domestic abuse OP and if it was reported to the police they would classify it as such.

You need external help OP - do you have any sort of friend to confide in and help?

I have spoken to my family as I was so upset earlier. They already know about the incidents in the past and are supportive but just find it hard to talk to them as feel like I am a burden or causing them upset too when they can see how much its impacting me

No you see you are not a burden. This man is frightening you.

This is what is known as being an emotional punch bag. Your H is expressing his fear, anxiety and frustration as anger and using you to release it. The fact he lost control badly enough to scream and be aggressive is concerning. He needs help to get himself back under control from an external source so a call to his GP is a must. Meanwhile, you need to be vigilant for your own safety, as its a small step to physical aggression.

My partner uses threats of suicide as a form of abuse.

I would encourage you to get him in to see a GP and get him on medication.

There comes a point when you need to ask yourself if his behaviour is abuse and if it is - you call the police.

If he won't see his GP then you have to leave. He's being very unfair blaming you for how he feels. If he is genuinely unwell he needs professional help and you aren't qualified to do that. If he's doing it to be abusive then you are better off out of it.
My dh had a breakdown but he wasn't violent just extremely withdrawn and selfish. I stayed but it was very difficult and he got help from the doctor. He is fine now. The difference is he accepted help, if your dp won't do that you have your answer. Sorry if I've waffled. Please don't blame yourself whatever happens.

He sounds abusive. He’s manipulating and gaslighting you any time you aren’t pandering to his needs. He’s aggressive also. He doesn’t sound like a good partner at all