Husband diagnosed with ADHD & in debt

[HusbandInDebt]

I don't know what i want from this but I have to let it out somewhere as I can't sleep & I feel like I'm on the brink of actually falling apart.

I'm married to my husband 22 years now & we have 2 wonderful dc.

Dh is the kindest person you could meet. He's funny & sweet & thoughtful.

He's self employed & very good at what he does. I work full time. All seems good on paper but over the past couple of years the wheels have come off...

Dh has always been a dreamer but this is necessary in his creative sector. He's been incredibly successful. But he's also really really struggled with keeping work on track financially & on time

Things hit a crises for him about 3 years ago when he lost a big contract due to his disorganisation. That was a wakeup call for him & he sought help & was formally diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 49

Facing up to this has really shaken him. But its also helped him realise that there is an issue & that he needs to be mindful of how this affects him particularly in his business.

And in fairness, he's really trying & i see a big difference in how he's really watching his focus etc

However, he's accumulated a LOT of debt in his projects which i was not aware of until last year..We're talking 30k -ish now. It's owed to suppliers & in tax. He's falling apart with guilt & pressure to make it right & has made some inroads (paid approx 10k off this year so far - it was over 40k)

Dealing with this debt is putting huge financial strain on us & i'm really feeling it. I'm mid 50s & exhausted

We have 1 dc in university & another potentially going next year & its hard. I'm trying my best to not place that burden on them so I try to shield them

Dh grew up v poor & his diagnosis has made it pretty obvious to us that his mum also has similar issues. He & i have differing opinions on how to handle our finances with dc. He'd just say it straight out without considering how it might impact them & I worry that they'll end up carrying our burden / worry at the very time they should be heading off into the world.

My head is a mess. I feel i'm spiraling. We have no savings left, no pensions, no life insurance or health insurance. I lie awake at night worrying what will happen if one of us gets sick.
I'm really fucking angry at him.that he got us into this situation. Now that I knnw more about it, I can see the extent of how his ADHD limits him. And that makes me sad. For him & for us

I wish with all my heart that he didnt have it & that i could rely on him more especially financially.

I help him every day with his work. As well as working full time myself. I'm very very tired. I know he's not doing any of it deliberately but I feel like i'm carrying all of us right now

He works in a sector similar to architecture & he is v talented. He absolutely could work his way out of the debt but its a huge squeeze whilst that's happening. He's v easily distracted & goes down non productive rabbit holes v regularly. He's also very easily persuaded by 'talk' - people end up taking advantage of his skills all the time as he finds it difficult to read their motives

Then he gets stressed & embarrassed. I'm far more cynical & see through bullshit v quickly. He generally thinks i'm just being negative or unsupportive. Until he finally sees what's happening. It irritates me that he can't see it & then it saddens me more.

I'm feeling very sad about it all..I think back to the carefree days when we were first married & compare that to now & how broken down i feel & i wish life had worked out differently..and i feel so guilty about that

I'm also worried about the amount of pressure hes under too.

@SunnyDolly i'm so glad to hear you're almost debt free!

How did you find the ADHD coach? That sounds v interesting. Thanks

I really like her. It sounds silly but sometimes it was like she was speaking to a child, but I needed it!! I was having to unlearn and relearn bad habits / new behaviours. It was also just nice to have someone not in my inner circle to talk so openly with too.

I think something like this might be very helpful for dh to look into.

Did you connect with her through a referral?
Thanks

Reading your posts, your DH reminds me a bit of myself and I have chronically underperformed relative to my potential in my adult life and had a burnout a few years ago and still struggling to get back to work full-time. So I feel for you both.

That aside, what's the nub of the problem - you want to sort the money issues without drastically increasing your life stress.

There's two ways to do that - spend less or earn more.

Spend less - what savings can you make in everyday life? Where is the money going at the moment?

Earn more - could your DH get a part-time weekend job alongside what he's doing? It doesn't need to be stressful. I look back on my life and some of the least stressful periods for me have being doing jobs where you just turn up, work the hours and leave. Things like library or admin work, working in a supermarket, working in a cafe.

I wonder why they thought adhd meds would hamper his creativity? I don’t think this can be true in all cases. For example the painter Jonathan Yeo has talked quite openly about how adhd meds were very beneficial to him, he seems to manage to be very creative?

I sourced the coaching privately - just make sure you find someone with the right accreditation, this website would be a good start. You can often have a free introductory call with ones you think would be a good fit.
www.adhdcoaches.uk/coach-directory

He's waiting to hear if he's been awarded another contract & will hear this week. That would help us ENORMOUSLY & i think the pressure of waiting is causing the pressure pot we're in to boil over.
I'm trying not to think about what happens if he doesn't get it. He'll start again looking for another contract etc

As someone who used to be self-employed in a project based profession I would suggest that he needs to be looking for future projects at all times, not just when he is free at that moment.

If and when more than one project is confirmed at the same time one negotiates mutually agreed alternative timelines or advises the client that one is unable to undertake it at this time due to scheduling conflicts.

I’m sorry to burst the bubble but he’s not that good at what he does if he is 30k in debt. Perhaps it’s time for him to work for someone else. Running a business if organisation and money management is not your strong point is never going to be a success. Is it time to face hard facts?

DD, ADHD, on meds. The meds are seriously life changing. She is very creative. Time blindness is big...I think your dh needs to just double his time frame or something as a rule of thumb. E.g. if he thinks a job will take a month - quote for 2 months.

Dh, many adhd symptoms but not diagnosed or medicated. He is considering getting assessed. He has lots of workarounds that work for him but wouldn't suit every industry. ..eg he will tell customers if I don't get to you by the end of next week, call and remind me.

At least try the meds...he can always stop them. And it takes time to find the right med and dose, allow for that.

@PassOnThat i'm sorry to hear you experienced burn out. That must be so incredibly hard. Hope you're doing better now.

It's a good question that you ask - what's the nub of the problem?

And I think actually posting here last night in my sleepless state helped me start to process where we actually are versus where my frustration tells me we are if that makes sense.

I have steady income but limited to the bands of that salary

Dh has potential to far out earn me but his work is contract by contract & there can (have been gaps especially if something falls through)

We've faced & calculated the debt

He's made repayment plans & had repaid 10k since May.

We've cut out spending as far as we can which enables faster repayments

He's really overhauled work management practices & last 2 jobs were unrecognisable from previous ones in terms of efficiency & keeping on top of things

I've stepped in to help him organise workload to be more efficient

He's really looking at how to maximise his potential earnings & we have a list of ways for him to try to diversity income streams using his skills

I'm now on the look out for a new, better paid job & will go for the first one thats suitable

We're setting goals to be debt free as quickly as we humanely can

Once we're debt free we then aim to build up a decent pot so we dont find ourselves back here again

Then we tackle all the stuff like life insurance/ health insurance etc (all let go when payments weren't met & i didnt know)

If we can generate enough traction for his work I will consider working together & really going for it
At the moment we're nervous as our 2 dc are still school / uni so we need a steady income

I know we've come a long way from when that registered court summons was delivered in May BUT sometimes I find it difficult to control my frustration & impatience & I want to wake up & its all ok

But I have to trust it will be ok. We won't be stuck like this forever (my fear)

We have to hold into each other & not loose each other in all this because I can see how easy that could be.

Yesterday I has a tiring day at work & when j got home he mentioned that a payment was due on something (which i knew) but money was incredibly tight as i'm due to be paid friday & hes waiting on some invoices to be paid. We KNOW money is coming...

But somehow it bubbled up into a stupid argument & left both of us rattled. And that's just no good to anyone.

I have to accept that we've made changes, we're on the right path. It'll take time but we'll do it

That's the hard part for me

Sorry for all the typos i'm on my phone oj the train home

Again - thank you all for commenting. I'm reading them all.

I have a son with ADHD / Autism. I researched meds extensively. I would love him to try them, just try. I'm convinced after all my research, all my talking with people taking them, with so many people that they CAN be life changing.

They have a short life of action so you don't have to gradually wean off like other meds. You don't like the feel or effects - you simply stop and try another type. Methylphenidate is one type, there's other types with different actions.

(I'm not primary carer due to illness so I can't force that decision in my case)

ADHD can overlap with Autism at a high rate. And many Autistic adults don't appear Autistic. Being Autistic can be so stressful and eventually lead to burn out because of coping for so long not knowing and hiding your struggles. A private psychologist suggested to us Fluoxetine, an anti anxiety medication. I understood why. Teenager said no way which I accept. It's just a thought btw in your case.

ADDitude is a brilliant website. American but great articles. I do believe in the research regarding diet and bowel health impacting symptoms. There's research to suggest trying probiotics and particular supplements such as zinc and omega 3. I am not saying vitamins change your Neurotype, more that some research links deficits in these areas to exacerbating symptoms in ADHD.

Another great piece of advice I read - just buy lots of copies of things. Phone charger - just buy 4 of them. Keys - get about 5 copies made and know where they're stored. Basically make life easier by accepting how hard it is for someone not to lose things when they have born differencs on the executive functioning part of their brain. My son can't help it. I accept it and just spend more on more copies to remove that stress at least.

Shame and embarrassment - other people put these feelings on you. They aren't your emotions. They're given to us. So they need to be handed back. Look at what you've achieved. Your husband has a Neurotype the world does not support and is unforgiving towards. School are in particular bastards for ND people. He's done well. You as a couple have done very well.

You have every right to be angry and annoyed by this and even him. I think about karate chopping my own child often in such anger and frustration. Of course I won't. I love them dearly. But these feelings are ok and human when your life is so stressful. They are normal! Try lose the guilt. I'd be very pissed off too. You're allowed.

Stuff the garden. It's not a priority. If it needs a clean give it a quick clean then ignore it. Not a priority.

I listened to Nicky Campbell's audiobook biography. It was so insightful. He was diagnosed with ADHD and bi polar and is very honest about how hard it was to hold it all together. He simply burnt out into adulthood, and then this revelation came about.

I'm all for trying meds and that line about creativity sounds nonsense. Why not try then you know. Unfortunately, private is often necessary. There are ADHD adult groups on FB who give good advice about how to proceed with accessing meds. Some GP practices take a private prescription on long term. Initially, a well versed psychiatrist will have to review and prescribe. I don't believe a psychiatrist actually said that and it's your husband resisting it. I do know some psychiatrists are hideous btw. If your sense tells you they're crap and did actually say this, get a new one. You need one appointment only to sort the prescription out.

I'd be very honest with husband. I'd be saying. I need to see you take action to impress this situation and I will support you. I need you to consider trying medication. I want you to not rule it out. If you research enough and present that to him, then you have something to work with to negotiating better with him when he pushes back.

@HusbandInDebt . Thank you - it was during Covid.

I was working in a challenging job and suddenly we were all WFH and I had a two year old to look after as well.

No structure, no separation of home and office. Nowhere to go to quiet my mind. And the toddler interrupting work every 2 minutes. Everything stressful the whole time... scheduling meetings during nap times and structuring the whole morning so he'd sleep, fighting to get him to sleep, having to log in and run a meeting. And work piling up and promising everyone I'd get it done as soon as I figured out how not to sleep for a week, and pulling all nighter after all nighter and falling asleep on the kitchen table. And berating myself that I just needed to work harder because sometimes I could do it, sometimes I could pull the cat out of the bag and do amazing stuff (I didn't know about the ADHD and hyper focus then). And over-promising because I would make assumptions on how long things would take based on not looking after a toddler and my periods of hyper focus which were completely unrealistic in my present circumstances.

I have a lot of sympathy for your DH but also for you. I was a nightmare to work with.

@PassOnThat you poor thing. That sounds absolutely awful.

I'm so glad you're doing better now!

Wife of adhder and mother of adhders. They all fall down on money and organising.

I appreciate that the poster who wrote this was no doubt well-meaning but this comment is actually very offensive. And demeaning. And discriminatory.

“They” do NOT “all fall down on money and organising”. Perhaps her DH and DC do but that doesn’t mean it applies to everyone, or even most people with ADHD. We’re not one amorphous blob. One of the key ‘ingredients’ in effectively managing ADHD is understanding that everyone is different and any adjustments need to be tailored to each individual. This comment about “falling down” is on a par in terms of ignorance with “ADHD medication will hamper creativity”, worse even.

In addition to the challenge of coming to terms with a late ADHD diagnosis, this is an example of some of the ignorant and ill informed bullshit that people will spout and that you and your DH will face @HusbandInDebt. Please don’t let it get to you or it will make things harder. So many people focus on the negatives and ignore many of the positives of ADHD. It will make your journey easier and impact your mental health less if you can find a balance between the two.

It sounds like you’re already making great steps forward and I hope that continues. Please stop feeling embarrassed or ashamed though. 1 in 7 people is neuro diverse. And some industries / fields attract a lot of ND people so the proportion is significantly higher.

I also think you should be open with your DC. They’re young adults rather than children and surely they want to better understand their father? It’s entirely possible that they may also have some ADHD traits and behaving as if this is something shameful or something to be hidden is a long long way from the right approach.

Finally, this is a bit dry but EY published this report in June this year and it makes interesting reading. Note the increased creativity mentioned. It also makes a refreshing change to read positives about ADHD and talk about neuro inclusion rather than neurodiversity. The language used really does matter.

www.ey.com/en_gl/insights/consulting/how-can-action-on-neuroinclusion-accelerate-business-transformation

Thank you @HundredMilesAnHour

I may not have been clear as I was quite jumbled in my earlier 'get it all out' posts.

Dc know about the ADHD diagnosis. They don't know about the debt. And I don't think i want to tell them about that as they embark on uni life etc.

I'll read that article later, thanks for sharing. I'm making dinner now.

Also - again to clarify- i'm not embarrassed about the ADHD!!

I'm really incredibly proud of him for getting the diagnosis

I'm embarrassed about the debt & the financial straits we're in

Hi OP. First of all, well done for tackling this head on and supporting your DH.
I am late diagnosed autistic/ADHD. I’m an HCP but I do creative hobbies. I did decide to go on medication after my assessment and I can confirm for me, it definitely helps me to be more organised and focused, but actually the meds help me be more creative because I can keep on top of the practical stuff. I have more time and focus for the creative.
I’d suggest a few things - money wise - look at Dave Ramsey’s advice for how to get on top of debt. I’d also suggest talking to Christians against poverty or Steps to change to look at the finance. I went through CAP and they can help with a financial plan and speak to creditors on your behalf if needed.
To help your DH with focus and community, I highly, HIGHLY recommend dubbii. There’s a couple, Rich and Rox Pink, who started doing TikTok’s about their lives. She’s late diagnosed ADHD and he’s probably autistic (looking at getting assessed). Their videos are funny and relatable. They have a podcast. They created dubbii, which started as a body doubling app with videos on how to do tasks many ND folks struggle with. But people joining asked for lives..so now every 3 hours for an hour, you can join live on Zoom. People on there doing all kinds of things - cleaning, tidying, admin. Stirling cost is £5 a month or £30 for the year. I paid £5 for a month to try it then signed up for the year. I get so much done and feel part of the community. Well worth exploring.
I think between the two of you, you can turn these circumstances around. I hope this helps you a bit.

Firstly the debt is nothing to be ashamed of it can and has happened to lots of people .
Your husband sounds just like my son he has ADHD 10yr old.
There are lots of Facebook support groups for people and relatives of people with ADHD .I promise you are not alone with your frustrations.