Husband diagnosed with ADHD & in debt

[HusbandInDebt]

I don't know what i want from this but I have to let it out somewhere as I can't sleep & I feel like I'm on the brink of actually falling apart.

I'm married to my husband 22 years now & we have 2 wonderful dc.

Dh is the kindest person you could meet. He's funny & sweet & thoughtful.

He's self employed & very good at what he does. I work full time. All seems good on paper but over the past couple of years the wheels have come off...

Dh has always been a dreamer but this is necessary in his creative sector. He's been incredibly successful. But he's also really really struggled with keeping work on track financially & on time

Things hit a crises for him about 3 years ago when he lost a big contract due to his disorganisation. That was a wakeup call for him & he sought help & was formally diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 49

Facing up to this has really shaken him. But its also helped him realise that there is an issue & that he needs to be mindful of how this affects him particularly in his business.

And in fairness, he's really trying & i see a big difference in how he's really watching his focus etc

However, he's accumulated a LOT of debt in his projects which i was not aware of until last year..We're talking 30k -ish now. It's owed to suppliers & in tax. He's falling apart with guilt & pressure to make it right & has made some inroads (paid approx 10k off this year so far - it was over 40k)

Dealing with this debt is putting huge financial strain on us & i'm really feeling it. I'm mid 50s & exhausted

We have 1 dc in university & another potentially going next year & its hard. I'm trying my best to not place that burden on them so I try to shield them

Dh grew up v poor & his diagnosis has made it pretty obvious to us that his mum also has similar issues. He & i have differing opinions on how to handle our finances with dc. He'd just say it straight out without considering how it might impact them & I worry that they'll end up carrying our burden / worry at the very time they should be heading off into the world.

My head is a mess. I feel i'm spiraling. We have no savings left, no pensions, no life insurance or health insurance. I lie awake at night worrying what will happen if one of us gets sick.
I'm really fucking angry at him.that he got us into this situation. Now that I knnw more about it, I can see the extent of how his ADHD limits him. And that makes me sad. For him & for us

I wish with all my heart that he didnt have it & that i could rely on him more especially financially.

I help him every day with his work. As well as working full time myself. I'm very very tired. I know he's not doing any of it deliberately but I feel like i'm carrying all of us right now

He works in a sector similar to architecture & he is v talented. He absolutely could work his way out of the debt but its a huge squeeze whilst that's happening. He's v easily distracted & goes down non productive rabbit holes v regularly. He's also very easily persuaded by 'talk' - people end up taking advantage of his skills all the time as he finds it difficult to read their motives

Then he gets stressed & embarrassed. I'm far more cynical & see through bullshit v quickly. He generally thinks i'm just being negative or unsupportive. Until he finally sees what's happening. It irritates me that he can't see it & then it saddens me more.

I'm feeling very sad about it all..I think back to the carefree days when we were first married & compare that to now & how broken down i feel & i wish life had worked out differently..and i feel so guilty about that

I'm also worried about the amount of pressure hes under too.

There’s lots of different ways to be a grown up, facing problems, working to solve them, having loving, caring relationships all count. Yes financial problems are scary - especially when they’ve came out of nowhere but there’s real strength in finding your way through it all. There’s nothing shameful about the situation you’re in.

It's really difficult. My son was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD whilst at University. I had to pay for diagnosis and treatment as the waiting list was over 2 years. Medication has changed his life and he went from being on the verge of failing his degree to getting a 2:1. He is also a musician and he doesn't seem any less creative on medication. He says it helps him enormously. Without medication his life is chaos.

I was really struggling at work which was incredibly creative and technical.
I kept getting pulled away onto different things and not focusing on one thing at a time aged mid 40s.
Under work medical insurance I went to a consultant psychiatrist in the priory chain of companies and was diagnosed with ADHD.
It helped enormously when I was diagnosed and prescribed ritalin.
Suddenly I was able to kind of close off the other thought streams in a mental thought colander for one of a better phrase and focus on one particular thing at a time as it also helped me prioritize what needs doing, it's urgency versus importance and I managed my deadline diary so much better.
Helped me enormously.
Here's a bit of blurb about it..
Yes — you’re describing a well-established phenomenon in ADHD treatment. Let me unpack it clearly:

Methylphenidate (Ritalin) is indeed a stimulant. Chemically, it acts a bit like an amphetamine in that it blocks the reuptake of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, which increases their availability.

In people without ADHD, this usually produces typical stimulant effects: heightened alertness, more energy, sometimes jitteriness, or even anxiety if taken in high doses.

In people with ADHD, the situation is different. ADHD brains tend to have dysregulated dopamine/norepinephrine signaling, especially in areas like the prefrontal cortex (responsible for attention, impulse control, and working memory). Because of that dysregulation, the brain often "seeks stimulation" from the outside — hence distractibility, fidgeting, jumping between tasks.

When a stimulant like Ritalin is given to someone with ADHD, it actually normalizes those neurotransmitter levels, helping the brain filter irrelevant stimuli and focus on a single task. Instead of feeling overstimulated, the person often feels calmer, more focused, and less restless.

So while the drug is pharmacologically a stimulant, the subjective effect in ADHD can feel calming rather than agitating, because it restores balance to underactive regulatory circuits.

This doesn’t mean ADHD patients never feel any “stimulated” effects (some still can), but the net effect is often improved concentration and reduced external distraction, which can feel almost the opposite of what you’d expect from giving a stimulant.

👉 In short: yes, it’s true. Stimulants like Ritalin can paradoxically have a calming, focusing effect in ADHD because they correct a neurotransmitter imbalance.

I'm so interested to hear all these heartening stories. I will share with dh

His hyperfocus is hugely connected to his creative output & allows him to resolve things that require very long sustained concentration..it's v difficult to describe without saying what it is & its potentially outing. He's incredibly good at what he does.

You can still hyper focus on adhd meds if anything even better as your head is less jumbled, I’m a video editor, my creative output is still great, but now no one hates editing with me now, as my files are organised, I can hand over stuff with a write up as I’ve actually done it, I can track who pays me and if they haven’t, all the paperwork side isn’t chaotic af. He may hate the tablets, but to not even try is ridiculous, it may and likely massively help him.

That's so good to hear and I appreciate you sharing.

He is by no means refusing any intervention that will potentially help him. He's still relatively new to the diagnosis so we're figuring it all out.

My teen is on Atomoxetine , Non stimulant (so not like Ritalin, Medikinet that lasts for 8ish hours etc) but it lasts all day every day

supposed to build up but we saw improvements in planing , organisation and emotional control from week 1

he (and us) cannot live without this , before he couldn’t even get a glass of water without doing 20 different things on the way to the kitchen . Now he not only gets it straight away but he also washes the glass (an example to give you a sense of the change )

our lives have changed - he’s still hyper focused on what he loves and super creative

Here, yes. Two teens and me. I don't understand the theory behind being diagnosed with something and refusing to even try the evidence based and effective treatment. You wouldn't refuse inhalers for asthma..............

He has not refused. Just to be clear. I'm very grateful for all the comments & ive repeatedly said i'll speak to him about going back to the specialist.

You said he chose not to take them because of worries about his creativity?

I think my last message sounds tetchier than I intended. Apologies for that.

I really am grateful for all the replies & advice

I was feeling v low last night about the debt when I started the thread.

And I feel a lot calmer & in control today. Having the space to brain dump was an amazing relief..so thanks all for listening

His ADHD is relatively mild apparently and as he works in a creative sector they recommend not going on the meds as it could affect his creativity.

I am also baffled by this recommendation (assuming there isn’t a medical reason for avoiding medication and that he’s reported this recommendation accurately to you OP). While it’s true the medication isn’t a magic bullet it can make a significant difference. Part of the assessment is deciding whether symptoms have a significant impairment on a person’s life (not just psychological impact) and it sounds like it has and is having a significant impact. Did the consultant who did your DH’s assessment speak to you or gather information from you? How much is his creativity stifled by struggling to follow through?

My daughter is an artist of great ability but it was her ADHD that stopped her pursuing this. Once she was diagnosed and had some strategies and medication it improved her creativity and her ability to use it and not let people down by failing to deliver and living in administrative chaos etc, it allowed her to get back on track and have a bit more confidence and trust in herself. This didn’t feel like creativity being dampened by medication.

My own experience of diagnosis ten years ago at the age of 48 was that the insight into why I had struggled so much was very helpful in that I could stop berating myself and start to approach things differently and put in place strategies to manage my trip hazards but without the medication I couldn’t follow through in a consistent way. Medication helped complete a virtuous circle of self-awareness, better strategies AND better focus. It also helped me sleep! It’s not perfect, I still struggle at times with confidence but meds have really helped me.

I remember the first day I took 30mg of Elvanse; nothing seemed to happen, I thought, ‘well this is a load of rubbish’. Then I just got on with my day. At 7pm that day I realised that I had got more done in one day (in a calm, paced, focussed way) than I had done in the previous week or more. It was amazing but I also felt some sadness at what might have been had my head been quiet during the previous 48 years. The effect of medication does soften but it has been very helpful in allowing me to bring some consistency to the changes I’ve made on the executive functioning side. Everyone is different of course and that’s just my experience. If he can get some very specific ADHD coaching support alongside meds that could be very helpful.

I hope you can get him to speak to the consultant again about meds. I feel for you @HusbandInDebt it sounds very difficult for you and I hope things start to improve.

No, I said he was advised. The option was / is there. He can go back anytime

He is really doing very very well on thst side of things & as I said accepting there us actually an issue has massively helped him to approach his job & commitments differently.

He's researched & tried out loads of organisational methods & found some strategies that are really helping him.

He did follow up work with one of the team from the specialists clinic on coping & organisation strategies & found it helpful.

I also help him prioritise & structure the to do lists & since diagnosis he's really made good changes

The pressure we're under is legacy debt from before diagnosis.

He's working his hardest to turn things around. I see it. I know it. But we're still buried under it & some days i find it harder to deal with then others. Last night I was utterly overwhelmed & we'd had an argument. A silly one on the surface but rooted in deeper fears & worries.

I looked at his face last night & I saw all the worry & stress aging him & I felt so helpless

But i know we can sort it out. We have to stick.to our plans & keep moving forwards. And keep paying the debts & get ourselves out the other side!

And he'll go back to his doctor to review the meds situation.

It’s hard without knowing exactly what field he is in, but I’m wondering whether you could take a big-picture look at his work?

It sounds from your op like he mostly undertakes commissions for individuals/companies. What I’m wondering is whether you could monetise any of the processes/trial stage.

If, for example, he’s an artist and selling finished commissioned works to clients. Is there an option to once a month tidy up the test sketches and sell them on eBay?

Or, for example, if he’s creating marketing assets can he sell a rejected campaign online for less than the cost of a new bespoke work?

I would also try looking carefully at the profitability of each job and seeing whether you can increase that. A popular way to do that in the arts is to have a cheap/unpaid intern doing some of the most basic work on each project (controversial I know!).

I would also, given so many of the problems lie with him, take a look at whether it might be easier and more effective to generate more income through your job. Can you ask for a raise? Or do any overtime etc?

@Namechange822 thank you so much for this - all excellent suggestions & we're actually already exploring some of them ourselves so its good to see we're thinking along the same lines!

With all of these new strategies I think we have the ability to really change things but it all takes time & when I started the thread last night I had that awful overwhelming feeling of impatience/ claustrophobia at the financial situation .

I don't have scope for paid overtime (we get TOIL) but i'm def scoping opportunity for a new job on a higher salary too. And that should also really help.

My DH has ADHD and while we're not in the same situation, I recognise a lot of what you say. My DH is also self-employed and better off that way - he couldn't work for a corporate organisation in a million years - but keeping on top of work admin e.g. billing, is always a struggle. I manage most of our personal finances day to day, and this works best for us.

I know this won't help now when he and you watching every penny but you might find paying for admin assistance pays dividends. It might free him up to take on more work if someone else is e.g. raising invoices, chasing payments, remembering the VAT bill. I'd also take some advice about how he can keep business and personal debt separate going forward.

Is restructuring the debt a possibility?

Thank you @BusMumsHoliday - solidarity! Its tough watching from the side sometimes!

We also feel dh's best bet is working for himself. Or on projects that are finite with clear parameters in partnership with organisations.

But he did try a project that required him to be an employee & it was really awful for him & really knocked his confidence.

You make some excellent suggestions & we'll definitely take a look.

I manage our personal finances now.

I can’t comment on the ADHD but head to Moneysavingexpert re advice on the debts. It’s a great website and the ‘debt free wannabe’ forum is really helpful.

Honestly- I can't tell you all how much you've helped me since last night

I carry this secret like a stone in my heart every day & some days are harder than others to keep the facade up

Thank you all ❤️

I'm 55...high functioning, high earner.
I have ADHD and also ASD. Diagnosed ... very recently.
I've had money issues in the past,... impulsive spending and living beyond our means.
I had to get an IVA to pay the debts off and keep the house. It took 6 years in total.
Yes.. it trashes your credit rating- you have to account for all your outgoings and are allowed very little money for yourself throughout the process BUT it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I paid all my debts off. I got used to having no credit and only being able to get something if I actually had the cash.
Now... I'm debt free. Money in the bank and financially I've never been better.
Maybe have a look into that?
Your husband will be beating himself up ... offer to help but don't take over or treat him like a child ..just be there for him x

Hello. Wife of adhder and mother of adhders. They all fall down on money and organising.

Practically id look for someone he can employ who can take care of finances and diary side of business - bit like a PA but someone with financial organisational skills.

I say this as someone who manages whole family finances. Luckily dp has a job thats very mobile, doesnt require lots of admin.

He may find none stimulant medication doesnt stop his creativity or taking medication a couple of days a week when he needs to do admin/finances

He's not the only person I know to be caught by tax bill
A friend knows they have to pay their tax bill (self employed) but they get the money from a contract and think oh I will use next one to pay tax bill rather than putting percentage away. Their partner stepped in and now money is paid into a joint account, their partner transfers a percentage from that account into an account that need x days notice to remove money so its there to pay tax bill

A lot of it was tax warehousing during covid which then needs to be repaid & poor financial advice..
He's changed accountant since. New accountant helped him structure the tax repayments

Hi OP, I have ADHD I was diagnosed in my 30’s. I don’t take the meds - I’ve heard great things about them, but I can have problems with heart palpitations so decided against them.
I do need support with my ADHD though especially with impulsivity and I’ve had an ADHD coach for a few years. I’d highly recommend this; it’s been really game changing for me (I also had tonnes of debt, it’s now almost completely gone and my coach has helped me view spending in such a different way)

Good luck to him and you, OP. I remember the shame and guilt but there is help out there!