Husband diagnosed with ADHD & in debt

[HusbandInDebt]

I don't know what i want from this but I have to let it out somewhere as I can't sleep & I feel like I'm on the brink of actually falling apart.

I'm married to my husband 22 years now & we have 2 wonderful dc.

Dh is the kindest person you could meet. He's funny & sweet & thoughtful.

He's self employed & very good at what he does. I work full time. All seems good on paper but over the past couple of years the wheels have come off...

Dh has always been a dreamer but this is necessary in his creative sector. He's been incredibly successful. But he's also really really struggled with keeping work on track financially & on time

Things hit a crises for him about 3 years ago when he lost a big contract due to his disorganisation. That was a wakeup call for him & he sought help & was formally diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 49

Facing up to this has really shaken him. But its also helped him realise that there is an issue & that he needs to be mindful of how this affects him particularly in his business.

And in fairness, he's really trying & i see a big difference in how he's really watching his focus etc

However, he's accumulated a LOT of debt in his projects which i was not aware of until last year..We're talking 30k -ish now. It's owed to suppliers & in tax. He's falling apart with guilt & pressure to make it right & has made some inroads (paid approx 10k off this year so far - it was over 40k)

Dealing with this debt is putting huge financial strain on us & i'm really feeling it. I'm mid 50s & exhausted

We have 1 dc in university & another potentially going next year & its hard. I'm trying my best to not place that burden on them so I try to shield them

Dh grew up v poor & his diagnosis has made it pretty obvious to us that his mum also has similar issues. He & i have differing opinions on how to handle our finances with dc. He'd just say it straight out without considering how it might impact them & I worry that they'll end up carrying our burden / worry at the very time they should be heading off into the world.

My head is a mess. I feel i'm spiraling. We have no savings left, no pensions, no life insurance or health insurance. I lie awake at night worrying what will happen if one of us gets sick.
I'm really fucking angry at him.that he got us into this situation. Now that I knnw more about it, I can see the extent of how his ADHD limits him. And that makes me sad. For him & for us

I wish with all my heart that he didnt have it & that i could rely on him more especially financially.

I help him every day with his work. As well as working full time myself. I'm very very tired. I know he's not doing any of it deliberately but I feel like i'm carrying all of us right now

He works in a sector similar to architecture & he is v talented. He absolutely could work his way out of the debt but its a huge squeeze whilst that's happening. He's v easily distracted & goes down non productive rabbit holes v regularly. He's also very easily persuaded by 'talk' - people end up taking advantage of his skills all the time as he finds it difficult to read their motives

Then he gets stressed & embarrassed. I'm far more cynical & see through bullshit v quickly. He generally thinks i'm just being negative or unsupportive. Until he finally sees what's happening. It irritates me that he can't see it & then it saddens me more.

I'm feeling very sad about it all..I think back to the carefree days when we were first married & compare that to now & how broken down i feel & i wish life had worked out differently..and i feel so guilty about that

I'm also worried about the amount of pressure hes under too.

Honestly I think you've been given 'interesting' advice about medication impacting creativity. I don't think there is any evidence based research backing that up.
Also (and as someone who worked freelance in a creative industry) you can do very very well being moderately creative but also being personable, easy to work with and able to bring things in on time and on budget. I was never going to be the equivalent of a Tanantino winning oscars, but I was in demand because I was creative enough but reliable and good to work with. Most people don't want high end 'artistic' work, they want expressions of creativity with minimum fuss.
He could trial the medication (it takes time to find the right one and the right dose) and if he looses clients because the feedback is he's not creative enough he can stop. My guess on the right medication he'll be less overwhelmed feel less awful about himself and your life will be easier.

Thanks for all the input on the advice ge got regarding meds.

We'll definitely revist that for sure!

Am slightly cross on your husband's behalf that he has been given such shit 'advice'. ADHD meds are one of the most efficacious psychiatric medications around and can have a profound and life changing impact for people (not everyone and some people struggle with side effects).
They are short acting so I'd he trials them and can't find one that works with minimal side effects then it's not like he's got to spend months tapering off or anything.....

I can only relay what he's been told

I truly appreciate all your help & advice and will share it all with him.

Another one shocked at the ridiculous and out-of-date advice from his (close to retirement age?) psych.

Another one here whose creative career is literally only possible because of the meds. I was finally diagnosed at 50 and was only then able to start and flourish in a creative industry I couldn't have dreamed of pre-meds.

All the life coaching in the world can't compensate for finally getting your brain chemistry normalised.

Hi OP your husband could be really good at the 'work' part of his business but not so good at the 'business' part of this business (the part beyond winning the work). My husband and I have our own business and my husband is similar. If he could, my husband would work without ever thinking about money / getting paid by the clients / running the business side of things. He is lucky he has me to take care of the organisational side of things and I am an organiser. Is there anyone who you could draft in to help with this side of things? I could so see our business going the same way if someone wasn't doing this management side of things. I think it is that people with a creative mind don't always / and sometimes can't / live in the real world!

My husband doesn't have any diagnosis of anything and is enormously intellectual, creative and successful in his field (world-renowned). However, he doesn't earn much. I learned a long time ago that there's a price to be paid for living with a genius. There have been numerous occasions in our married life (30+ years) where either I've discovered or he's told me that he's (and by association we're) in a financial mess. We used to try and manage this by separate finances, and that worked to some extent, i.e. the bills got paid, but then I'd find out about all sorts of other problems in the background (e.g. tax demands). In a funny way, it was easier when we were poorer because we were always at subsistence level, it became harder when we had more slightly money because it was sometimes difficult to tell that his £150 overspend on bizarre things a month somehow became £2 grand a year.

Neither of us have or will have an inheritance. We don't 'splurge'.

Anyway, the way I dealt with it was to make myself 'the main breadwinner' (retrained, became a teacher, worked like a dog, got the promotion). I've paid full stamps all my life and will have a decentish (not starvation) pension. I also breakdown each 'expense' into manageable chunks. For example, he'll have a big bill of £2,500 coming in shortly, so he's applying for x job (part-time and FTC) on x date and this will pay the £2,500 without getting in the way (too much) of his main occupation. He can cope with the short-term / easily identifiable cost benefit stuff and he just gets on with it - because it's not super stimulating instead it's put one foot in front of the other stuff.

Having a household budget (especially when there's not enough money to cover everything) is massively helpful!

In terms of the meds, I'm autistic with traits of ADHD (diagnosed by the NHS) and I personally don't want to be on meds. I think this comes from previous experiences of SSRIs and how they just seemed (to me, not everyone, this isn't a general statement) to steal part of me. On the other hand, I have a good friends who takes ADHD meds and I've seen her both on them (super together) and off them (in pain and a mess, always due to supply issues) and I know which life she prefers.

Thank you @glowfrog your post & experience make me so sad.

I mentioned earlier that dh's diagnosis made his upbringing make so much more sense

His mother lives very like your father & had a lot of failed relationships in her life. She runs from all her problems. She leaned very heavily on dh when he was a child / boy to emotionally support her. They were penniless & he was very aware of it all as she offloaded onto him (eldest)

He's worked so hard to break free of all that chaos only to find himself now in his own. That's profoundly sad. He cried the other night about it all.

I love him dearly. He's intelligent, kind, generous (too much so at times) personable & funny.

We have a very strong relationship & have had since we met 25 years ago

Thats why im so conflicted over my feelings around our situation now.

I feel better for sharing (but not with him as I think he feels enough guilt as it is). Its breaking my heart to see him beating himself up

I might be fooling myself but I think we can make things better if we work together.

I'm very glad I took the chance to start this thread.

I'll speak to him later about the meds situation & i'm feeling more optimistic about our ability to get back on track.

Hi OP this sounds like a really stressful situation and a lot of uncertainty still. I'm not going to comment on the ADHD stuff as you've had some great advice and it's not my area. I have supported self employed people in the past (and I don't think it's been mentioned yet, apologies if I've missed it) and Business Debtline are great. They support self employed people with both business and personal debt (inc HMRC). More importantly advice is free and impartial and they can talk through all of your options.

Edited as link did link...

@HusbandInDebt yes, I do feel sad for my dad sometimes and for the impact it’s all had on our relationship. And that’s why I think there are a lot of positives and hopes to be taken from the fact you’re tackling all this. I know it doesn’t feel like it in the midst of all your worries and real problems you’re having to face but hopefully you’ll start to see more clearly soon how to manage it all. He’s lucky to have you and I wish you both the best.

Please inbox me op , I have a ND friend who has set up a company especially to help people like yourself :) x

@glowfrog I truly appreciate that.

I'm sorry you had a difficult relationship with your farther.

Dh has a super complicated relationship with his mother. She has treated him incredibly badly & unkindly over the years. There's a lot of heartbreak & sadness there.

He's a very good, engaged & present father to our dc & they have a very good relationship. I know how important that is to him.

How would it be for you and him to be in business together? You as his manager? Youre lucky he has a talent that people pay good money for so let him do the creative part and you manage all contracts and finances. You determine how long tasks take? Wish you all the best. You two sound such a good couple x

Given by who? I'll bet not a consultant psychiatrist.

That's the goal right there!
But we desperately need my salary at the moment
I project manage for him now & pretty much have done since the diagnosis.

Sometimes I find it a lot as I feel like i'm doing two jobs (I am really) but it def works & helps him

I help him prioritise each day what he should focus on as that turned out to be a bigger issue than either of us realised..

But in time I'd like to actually be more hands on with the actual management side.

For those who have ADHD themselves or have a diagnosed family member, can I please ask if you are all on meds?

I'm reading all the thoughts on the meds with interest & wondered if all diagnosed people automatically took them?

Have a look at the Access to Work scheme run by UK govt. my understanding is that criteria have narrowed lately but would be helpful to see if it’s possible to get PA support or coaching. It’s a lot to come to terms with 💐.

Btw you mentioned no pensions but do you not have a pension? That’s something you could change.

Well I'm sure not everyone diagnosed takes meds but in our family it's a definite yes. It's like night and day and has prevented serious consequences of failing/floundering (education/work related). Don't underestimate how awful you can make yourself feel when you really want to be motivated, organised and able to focus on the multiple moving parts of holding down a job/studying but your stupid brain won't play ball. Even when you know it's due to ADHD it's frustrating and humiliating. So the other thing that the medication has helped with is the awful self criticism, shame and feelings of failure (it's nice to be more 'normal'/ functional!).....

@hettie thanks v much for that

I'll speak to dh & suggest he speaks to consultant again.

I now have a pension due to a job change about 5 years ago. But was v late with all that.

Honestly I feel like a failure & like we don't know how to be grown ups 😕

Has he applied for Access to Work funding? I have ADHD to the point where I have lost jobs and my current job was at risk. An Access to Work grant paid for 16 weeks of ADHD coaching, among other support, and pays for some hours a week of a personal assistant to help with task tracking, prioritization, challenging admin etc. which has transformed my professional life. I am employed but I believe the grants are available to the self-employed as well. If he has not tried this route I would absolutely apply; just be aware that at the moment there’s a long wait for grant decisions.

In a similar situation here.

Partner is creative but has a boring job to pay bills. So no debt but mainly because of high pay in the boring job, not because he has any capability to manage money.

He's been on meds about three years now and his creative output has skyrocketed because he can actually stay on task and finish things. They are life changing.

You have been very very badly advised in this regard. Seek a prescription and do it now.

@WanderleyWagon that sounds like a fantastic scheme which i've never heard of.- is this in UK or Ireland? (Forgive me your name suggested Ireland to me) thanks

I'm so sorry you've had these difficulties & I really hope all will be easier for you now with these strategies

Access to work is UK.
not all people with adhd will be on meds, but lots are, including creative people,, he has nothing to lose by trying it, as pp said they’re short lived so if he’s not finding them helpful after titration he could just give them up.