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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DV and pregnancy

80 replies

academyrouge · 19/08/2025 20:42

I need help. Any advice.
I am 12 weeks pregnant and have gone through hell.
Without going into massive details, my situation is that I am in a relationship and have been for last two years. He has been unhappy with my pregnancy and has hurt me on a few occasions. It has notched up each time. There have been four episodes and two involved strangulation, the last one left me thinking I was going to die. He snaps. Goes from being lovely and when he gets cross becomes another person.
My sister reported him and the police want to investigate. I’m told strangulation is very serious as can be classed as attempted murder. I didn’t provoke him, it was an argument that’s all. He knows what’s going on because I told him and he accepted it was his doing.
in all of this he suddenly became pro pregnancy, told his family and was talking marriage. Like, everything he was against and the crap his put me through went out the window. I am so confused. Is this a one off? Has he likely done this before and will again? I admit my brain is foggy and I’m all over the place and don’t know what way to turn.
His family now want to be involved and I’m not even sure I believe him anymore, if he really told them. I can’t seem to think straight and clearly and without judgement could do with some advice. It’s hard enough as it is and I feel stupid enough.

OP posts:

Springadorable · 19/08/2025 20:45

Listen to yourself. He has twice tried to strangle you. This can be seen as attempted murder. The police want to prosecute.

Is this someone you would recommend a friend married and raised a child with? Would you say your friend or the child would be happy and safe?

He's a lying violent piece of shit.

LMichelleFxx · 19/08/2025 20:47

I am so sorry you are going through this.

This is not a one off, please for the sake of yours and your unborn child’s safety please leave him. There are charities out there who can help you and hopefully your sister can help support you over the next few months.

Do not spend anytime alone with this man, ensure all contact is supervised by another family member you trust x

FruitNotCake · 19/08/2025 20:48

He will end up killing you if you stay with him. The child will be traumatised if you stay with him. You need to leave him now. I would not have a child with him. It will tie you to him for life and his controlling behaviour will continue even if you manage to safely leave him. Get out now whilst you can. End the pregnancy for everyone’s sake.

Wishitsnows · 19/08/2025 20:50

He is violent and abusive you need to get away from him immediately. He is now pretending he is interested in marriage and the baby so you minimise it to the police and he doesn’t get prosecuted. He will do it again as soon as he gets off. Well done on your sister reporting. This man is not safe. Take care of yourself and protect you and your baby. Never see this man again or belt his lies. Strangulation is serious, you are lucky to be alive.

Gnossienneno1 · 19/08/2025 20:51

Men who are happy about a pregnancy don’t risk hurting their baby by strangling the woman carrying them!
You need to leave him for your safety and your child’s safety. Keep working with the police. You don’t have to forgive him and forget about it just because he’s currently saying he’s remorseful and will change. In fact you really shouldn’t forgive and forget because if he ever slips up (which is likely) you could so easily be killed.

HappySummerDays · 19/08/2025 20:52

Was he not arrested for strangling you?

Viviennemary · 19/08/2025 20:52

He is a total psycho and attempted to murder you by strangulation. You need to end this relationship.

Momononoyoooo · 19/08/2025 20:54

I was in your shoes once. And it was a call from my nieghbour that saved me making the worst decision of my life. The police getting involved is what woke me up and gave me the strength to tell my family.
Pregnancy or not the only way forward is to leave. Family involved or not.

Bluevelvetsofa · 19/08/2025 20:54

He’s hurt you, increasingly violently. As your pregnancy progresses, you’re not going to be able to get away from him so easily, if he gets violent again.

You're going to be a single parent and you really don’t need this man in your life. He certainly won’t be safe around a baby or child. Get away immediately.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2025 20:55

I believe the statistic is that among violent men, strangulation makes it ten times as likely he’ll kill you.

It’s not a one-off. The VAST majority of men, even with treatment, carry on.

Find a way out.

Babyshadows · 19/08/2025 20:55

being strangled increases your risk of being murdered hugely. It’s also well known DV can increase in severity when pregnant/ post partum. Your sister is on your side, you should really do your best to leave this relationship. Also this may get referred to children’s services (not trying to frighten you, but it’s the reality) and it will be a lot better if you are showing you can safeguard your baby. A child in a home with domestic abuse is considered a victim themselves in their own right, and is considered an adverse childhood experience.

JanglyBeads · 19/08/2025 20:56

Do you mean that he suddenly became pro pregnancy and marriage when he knew that the police were about to get involved?

In any case, you really really need urgent advice OP. The next episode could actually be fatal by the sound of it. Or leave you brain damaged. It would certainly threaten the pregnancy. DV nearly always increases, or starts, in pregnancy.

Can you make a call or message without him knowing? To Women's Aid/ Refuge or a local DV charity. I need help now - Refuge . You could call the police directly, but might not feel that that was safe to do at present. 999 is compoetely justified because you are in danger if he's there or goign to be there soon. Is he in at present? Does he go out to work/elsewhere?

Is there a way you could leave, now if possible, but if not, tomorrow, and stay with a friend or parents (preferably somewhere he doesn't know)? I presume you don't have other children, so can travel relatively "light". Avoid him knowing you are planning to leave.

You are not stupid, lacking judgement, mad, alone, or overreacting. Those are all things he wants and needs you to feel though.

Well done for posting OP.

I need help now - Refuge

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/

MonkeyToez · 19/08/2025 20:56

The statistics say that you are I think 7 times more likely to be killed by a partner after experiencing non-fatal strangulation. Its also well known that domestic abuse often escalates when the victim is pregnant.

This is not a one off, it is likely to get worse. Please seek help before that happens. This man has shown reckless disregard for the safety of yourself and your baby on two occasions which could easily have resulted in your deaths.

Have the police done a Claire's law disclosure? If not it would be a good idea to make a request, he may have done this before.

He does not suddenly want a baby with you, he wants to get you back on side so you don't engage with the police. So he can evade responsibility for his actions and continue to abuse you.

Babyshadows · 19/08/2025 20:56

Twinkylightsg · 19/08/2025 20:58

Please run for the hills before you end up on the news. He is bad news and can't control his anger and may very well actually kill you next time. Get a restraining order in place as well.

MrsPatrickDempsey · 19/08/2025 20:58

I am sorry you are going through this. Please look at this relationship and the damage it is doing to your unborn, even at this early stage of pregnancy. Reach out to your midwife.
https://www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/support/domestic-abuse-in-pregnancy/#:~:text=It%20increases%20the%20risk%20of,or%20death%20to%20the%20baby.

Domestic abuse in pregnancy

Find out about the risks of domestic abuse and violence in pregnancy, and where you can go for help if it is happening to you.

https://www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/support/domestic-abuse-in-pregnancy/#:~:text=It%20increases%20the%20risk%20of,or%20death%20to%20the%20baby.

YesHonestly · 19/08/2025 20:59

Sweetheart, you need to leave.

It is literally a matter of life and death, if you stay the likelihood is that he will kill you.

If his violence is on record and you stay, social services are likely to be involved and you need to protect your baby. A child witnessing domestic abuse is classed as a victim of domestic abuse, and if you are seen to be failing to protect that child, they can and will remove them from your care. I do not say this to be nasty or to scare you, but that is the reality you’re facing if you stay.

Does your midwife know? Do all of your family know and could you go to them? Please tell one person in real life and get out of there x

Enrichetta · 19/08/2025 21:00

Pick up the phone right now and report the assaults and strangulation to the police.

And seriously consider whether you want to continue with this pregnancy. It’s not just about being a single mother and bringing up a child on your own - it’s about having this criminal, dangerous, abusive man in your life forever.

Ubugly · 19/08/2025 21:02

You, your baby or both could end up dead or your baby taken away.

I know people wont agree but I would think seriously about continuing this pregnancy as you are potentially trapped to him for the next God knows how many years. You need to run and fast.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 19/08/2025 21:03

he is future faking you with the talk of marriage, he has no intention of marrying you
what he does want is for you to make it all go away ! i.e. no prosecution !

YOU need to get rid of him.

HE WILL KILL YOU ONE DAY, pregnant or not.

You need help and you want to tell as many family and friends as possible for that help / support.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 19/08/2025 21:03

Stop seeing him as the man you want him to be and see him for the man he is. One that has tried to hurt you. There is no excuse in this world that justifies that.

Original poster

academyrouge · 19/08/2025 21:06

Thank you for all your responses and taking five to.

i should have mentioned we aren’t living together.
yes, I don’t really believe he’s not before and I think he pulled out the I told my family and want to marry you card was to get me on side. I do r her what would make someone do this or pretend to love you. He could leave or be honest he doesn’t love me and if he does get help. I don’t get the mentality. Nothing makes sense.

OP posts:

JanglyBeads · 19/08/2025 21:06

Message your sister, at the very least, maybe tell her that you've realised you need to leave but also that you must do it under cover so he doesn't suspect anything. Is she in a stable situation where she can support you? Close by or what?

Thedogscollar · 19/08/2025 21:07

It's a well known fact that domestic violence in pregnancy increases. You are putting yourself and your unborn at high risk of harm from this man.
The mental load you are carrying alone will affect your stress levels and subsequently can have an adverse affect on your pregnancy and unborn.
Have you booked with your midwife yet? Have you had your dating scan?

Are you entirely committed to seeing this pregnancy through? You know you have options. If you are committed to the pregnancy then speak with your midwife. They will listen and sign post you to help to assist in releasing yourself from this violent man.

I work as a midwife I see this very very regularly. I see the women coerced by these shitty men and always fear for them going back to this life with a newborn in tow. A baby brings pressure on the best of relationships but a relationship like this is a disaster waiting to happen.

Look at your options there is help out there. Think of yourself and your baby please don't stay with this creature he will continue to abuse and God only knows what he could do to your baby.

I wish you all the best OP. Please look after yourself and your baby.

HappySummerDays · 19/08/2025 21:07

*Enrichetta · Today 21:00

Pick up the phone right now and report the assaults and strangulation to the police.*

The police are involved - her sister reported him.

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