DV and pregnancy

[academyrouge]

I need help. Any advice.
I am 12 weeks pregnant and have gone through hell.
Without going into massive details, my situation is that I am in a relationship and have been for last two years. He has been unhappy with my pregnancy and has hurt me on a few occasions. It has notched up each time. There have been four episodes and two involved strangulation, the last one left me thinking I was going to die. He snaps. Goes from being lovely and when he gets cross becomes another person.
My sister reported him and the police want to investigate. I’m told strangulation is very serious as can be classed as attempted murder. I didn’t provoke him, it was an argument that’s all. He knows what’s going on because I told him and he accepted it was his doing.
in all of this he suddenly became pro pregnancy, told his family and was talking marriage. Like, everything he was against and the crap his put me through went out the window. I am so confused. Is this a one off? Has he likely done this before and will again? I admit my brain is foggy and I’m all over the place and don’t know what way to turn.
His family now want to be involved and I’m not even sure I believe him anymore, if he really told them. I can’t seem to think straight and clearly and without judgement could do with some advice. It’s hard enough as it is and I feel stupid enough.

He doesn't love or care about you, but he does care about losing control of you.

These men rarely make sense to normal people. How close does he live to you? Are you living alone? Does he know where you work and what your routines are? When are you next due to see him?

Get advice from the police, and they'll probably refer you also to a DV specialist.

Keep posting here too.

It’s good you don’t live together. End the relationship. Personally I’d also end the pregnancy. Don’t inflict him as a father on your child.

@JanglyBeads i recently moved and didn’t tell him my new address. He knows the village area and it wouldn’t be difficult to track me down.
I’ve thought about a refuge or moving abroad.

@academyrouge no this isn't a one off. He will do it again, and next time he may kill you. Run as far away as you can, now.

Edited - just seen you don't live together. Good. Please don't go anywhere near him ever again.

You won’t ever understand, because your brain doesn’t work the way his does.

There is no help, he won’t change. Abusers never do, they just change their victim.

He is saying what you want to hear to keep you hooked, it’s control not love.

Please end it, you don’t deserve this. You are not safe in this relationship.

If you speak to the police they can give you things to keep you safer, including an alarm that will ensure a priority response to your home, could you do this?

Did he question your not telling him your new address? That def gives you a bit of an advantage however. You would definitely "qualify" for a refuge, it's just whether there are places. Do you have a job/need to stay in the area.

If you were already thinking of refuge or abroad, you know how serious this is. The police / DV specialist can explain measures you could take so that he wasn't allowed near you. However, there are no 100% guarantees. Leaving the area might be best.

Why don't you ring a DV helpline tonight? They will understand, and will not pressure you into anything you don't want to do.

Please leave this incredibly dangerous relationship forever. I would think long and hard about having his child as it ties you to him. He wants to control you and could easily kill you. Don't waste your precious life on him. You are worth so much more.

It is really, really important that you get as far away from this man as possible. There is no understanding this behaviour as it is incomprehensible, appalling and most importantly, not your fault. With the support of loved ones, you are perfectly capable of raising your baby alone. You both deserve security and safety.

As a survivor of dv (I left when my daughter was 3 months) you must must must press charges. If he tracks you down and wants to be in your baby’s life you need to give good reason to a family court why he shouldn’t. And strangulation is something they will consider if you have pressed charges if you don’t they probably won’t consider it.

I know this is very controversial but I would also consider an abortion. This child will tie you and your child to him. Now saying that I didn’t. I had to fight him through criminal and family courts. They saw who he was and only gave him indirect contact. My child now has no biological father in her life. Which the emotion of that is a heavy burden for a 10 year old.

cons your options, put every legal and geographical barrier in place to get rid of this man from your life. It’s hard but as someone a decade out of it, life gets so much better!!! X

You poor thing, you are living with a monster. Please leave ... do not tell him, just go.

Do not put his name on the birth certificate, he will have automatic parental responsibility if you do.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE TODAY.
He will kill you if you stay.
For your sake and the sake of your unborn baby, please leave him.

Forget about his mentality - it doesn't matter what he thinks / feels (although, no, he very obviously does not love you). Focus on what YOU think - about what's best for you, and your child. Murders of women start like this. Stop worrying about him and his damn family and whatever else. Just end it, and they're not your problem. They don't matter. You and your child do.

A) you need to break up from him - he could end up killing you.

B) you need to think about whether having this baby is a good idea as it ties you to him forever.

If you decide to have it tell him you miscarried and disappear from him for good and bring up your child alone without him ever knowing.

Having children is hard. Having them with an abuser is a god-awful experience for you and the child.

Very dangerous OP and worsens when a small baby is in the picture. You need to stay well away from this person. Speak to your GP re DV referral and ensure midwife and hospital teams know re the situation (assuming you will continue the pregnancy). Also ensure your address isn't disclosed to anyone. It doesn't get better.

Fgs not another one, yes the red flags are there no he wont change no this is not healthy but having a child with him means you are now stuck with him whether you break up or not, break the cycle and stop this happening to your child

And this is not as harsh as I want to put it

Call the midwife team for support. It's common for DV to escalate in pregnancy, the midwife team will deal with this a lot, many areas have a specialist midwife that can include a DV specialist.
Strangulation is very, very serious. It is a risk factor for murder, men who do this are more likely to murder their partner. Abusive Men do also murder children, I don't know the stats but I do think most murdered children are murdered by the man abusing their mother.
Keep in mind how serious this is, reach out for and take all the advice and support you can get from professionals.

Get a termination and get on with your life he’s never going to change you’ll be dead

☝🏽

Please talk to the police. They will take you very seriously and safeguard you and your baby.

@Gc1992 you know what with lunatics like that she will never be safe why make your life harder always looking over your shoulder with a child a million percent worse

First post nails it. He's hoping that once baby is here you won't prosecute him

@academyrouge it doesn’t need to make sense.
You sitting and wondering about it is your brains way of trying to make sense and justify staying in a situation and maintaining the status quo.
Just know that you must dump him and ensure he can’t get near you. I would also be seriously considering an abortion.

I‘ve been with a man like this. I was married to him. It does not get better. You won’t be that woman who makes miracles happen and turn him into a new man. You’ll be dead or miserable with a child who is traumatised by you both.