To wonder if this is remotely normal -DM?

[Playtoo]

My DM can be quite demanding and at the weekend I mentioned that I booked a restaurant for a late lunch so we could ‘end the Summer’

DM response was ‘well you haven’t taken me out since Mother day, that was it so why would we bother’

At the beginning of May I took her on (and paid for ) a week long cruise and I pointed that out.

I visit twice sometimes 2-3 times a week and she’s been up for sunday lunch a few times since Mat. We’ve been out at the shops and grabbed an odd coffee as well. In between this I’ve been on holidays for 3 weeks , organised away camps for kids etc and it’s really been all go.

AIBU to be quite pissed off at this attitude. My mother doesn’t want to go for a pub lunch and a glass of wine, she wants a meal and pub afterwards etc so it’s never a couple of hours. Once every 3 months for this type of meal seems reasonable enough to me but am i wrong ?

Sounds like you see plenty of her; why is she expecting you to “take her out” and pay for a big meal regularly? She sounds very demanding, is she generally difficult?

Stop it all. Does she ever treat you?

Is she being forgetful about other, everyday things or is she the type to get a bee in her bonnet and then genuinely overlooks stuff?

Why is it up to you to take her out for a meal? Does she ever treat you? And you paid for a week long cruise??? Your mum’s being a CFer!

How old is she? Partner?

She sounds needy and ungrateful tbh, not surprised you're getting tired of it.

What else is going on in her life? Is she lonely, have any hobbies? It's very exhausting when olds rely on you to supply all their entertainment, and it can never be enough no matter how much you do.

I think that with your mum nothing is ever going to be enough. You're doing far more than most people. Make your life easier and do what fits in with your lifestyle. I certainly wouldn't bother with this lunch. You're never going to get her thanks or appreciation.

Youre a very patient person. Neither of my children would tolerate my treating them in that way, nor should they. Good luck with your mother, she sounds like very hard work.

She sounds like a self centered ungrateful child.

And I say this as a widow in my 70s who doesn't " expect" to be taken anywhere by my son. I'm really pleased when he choses to spend time with me and I enjoy our time together but I would be ashamed of myself if I expected to be taken out for meals etc.

She sounds utterly obnoxious and incredibly rude and ungrateful. You see a lot of her - and you took her on a week long holiday ffs! You're doing way more than most people do for their parents.

Very rarely but she doesn’t have the means

That’s kind of what I have been doing these last few months - she has more ‘fit in’ than he prioritised and I think she’s probably reacting against this. I realised on the cruise that nothing would ever be enough so although I still give her lifts, visit , invite for lunch etc, I don’t try and make pieces of myself to take her out for lunch etc.

No it’s not being forgetful - she just thinks I am a bad daughter having not brought her out for a meal frequently enough

I would honestly cancel. She can sit at home and stew. I would not put up with the attitude of why bother.

Are you the only child?

My DM is the same with me but I have siblings that get away with doing nothing at all

I've started doing less specific stuff and just invited DM on stuff we are doing if she wants to be included.

You sound like a lovely, giving and generous daughter.
She sounds very hard to please and I agree will always want more however much you give.
Is she very old OP?

😯 That's awful. Do you have siblings?

In that case, you would be perfectly reasonable to tell her that since she chooses not to remember all your small kindnesses, you're going to give up doing them. Her choice.

I'm pretty sure it was the late, great Shirley Conran who said that sometimes the only way to show what you do all day is to stop doing it!

My mum was never satisfied no matter what I did. I was always the bad daughter. In the end, I stopped trying. It actually made no difference! Wish I’d pulled back years before.

She’s trying to get an emotional reaction. I’d just say “That’s fine if you don’t want to go - it was just an offer”. And make clear you’ve accepted her refusal. I would certainly not take her for lunch after that ungracious response.

In fact, I wouldn’t tolerate that churlishness from a teenager - so an adult should not get away with it. Especially if you’re the one always footing the bill - her contribution needs to be good company. And she’s certainly not contributing that!

And agree with the PP who say that - with certain people - the more you do; the less it’s appreciated.

Your DM is cheeky. I have 2 adult DC. I would never expect them to take me out. We do go for meals, but we either split the bill, or sometimes one of us treats the other. But it is not all one way.

Dinner’s off! Never reward bad behaviour in children or adults!

To answer some of the questions, no I’m not an only child and although less is expected of my brothers , if she doesn’t get enough attention then she will act the exact same way with them.

She’s mid 70s and on her own with a dwindling friend group. It’s sad as she is vivacious and full of life but she just is a difficult personality

Ask her when she’s planning to take you out!
CF.