To wonder if this is remotely normal -DM?

[Playtoo]

My DM can be quite demanding and at the weekend I mentioned that I booked a restaurant for a late lunch so we could ‘end the Summer’

DM response was ‘well you haven’t taken me out since Mother day, that was it so why would we bother’

At the beginning of May I took her on (and paid for ) a week long cruise and I pointed that out.

I visit twice sometimes 2-3 times a week and she’s been up for sunday lunch a few times since Mat. We’ve been out at the shops and grabbed an odd coffee as well. In between this I’ve been on holidays for 3 weeks , organised away camps for kids etc and it’s really been all go.

AIBU to be quite pissed off at this attitude. My mother doesn’t want to go for a pub lunch and a glass of wine, she wants a meal and pub afterwards etc so it’s never a couple of hours. Once every 3 months for this type of meal seems reasonable enough to me but am i wrong ?

Tell her you are cutting back on spending and will pop round with a cake. Her loss if she declines...

I hate that kind of thing, my reply to 'why would we bother' would be 'you're right, let's not'.

If I want to spend time with my DS or DDIL I give them a ring/text and say 'got any free time soon, fancy a coffee/lunch?' and if they are free they'll say yes, and the same goes for them asking me if I want to go to something/ meet for a catch up. They are very busy, I am retired so less busy. I fit round thier plans if possible and no one takes offence or expects to be 'taken out'. I don't think they should take me out, we go out together when we feel like it or when one of us suggests it.

Wow!! Would you like to adopt me as your mother op. I am very easy going. 😀 In fact I'm available to do a cruise with you at your expense on any date of your choosing. See how flexible I am - prepared to drop anything at a moments notice to do you this huge favour 😁

Well her reward for that needs to be you taking her out a lot less. So I’d downgrade it to coffee and a cake. If she says she doesn’t want to go then you treat her like an adult and accept that, and leave the ball in her court. If it’s just a brew I assume she can treat you?

serms like you have had a bit of an epiphany anyway so keep the momentum going.

Are you trying to make up for the sadness you feel about her situation by taking her out to try and make her happy. Don’t, you can’t manage another adults emotions, it’s not your responsibility.

I wish you were my mum!

Oh, definitely cancel it and leave her to stew for a bit.

Worth saying if this is a sudden personality change then think about dementia, but it doesn’t sound like it is.

That’s the kind of attitude that fosters a deep connection and respect but it’s not the experience of a lot of parents and children.

I think some parents want their ‘sacrifices’ paid for and spend their time making sure their adult DC are aware of this. Unfortunately this leads to a lack of connection and a transactional relationship and that’s just really sad.

It does make me sad that after all my mother did for us, that we cant enjoy time together but i’ve grown to realise that adult relationships are a 2 way street and that includes the parent/ adult child relationship

She is difficult.

You know next time just to respond ok and mo e topic conversation on

What an entitled, rude woman she is!

When did she last take you out?

My father was like this. Nothing was good enough. When he commented that my last effort was ‘hardly worth bothering’, I smiled and said okay and never bothered again. I never regretted it.

I could have written the exact same response! We have to remember that our children are much more important to us, than we are to them. Be thankful that they choose to spend time with us, but never ever expect it, or try to guilt them into visiting.

I never considered that should be something parents think. I get it when you are young but as you and your parents age I always got the impression that all parents felt that they should be as high a priority as your children and partner.

You have had your warning bell OP, I would slowly and deliberately start pulling back now otherwise the demands as she becomes more elderly and infirm will ramp up.
Of course dependent DCs have to be your priority. When she starts up with this nonsense again, I would start saying things like “Have you seen Irene recently, you two used to be close” or “There is an afternoon group at the church you could go to” or “Mother I think you should go to the doctors and get your memory tested as you seem to be forgetting the cruise I paid for and went with you on a mere 4 months ago.”

Say ok let’s drop it - and let her stew.

What a lovely daughter you are. She clearly feels that she can be as rude as she likes to you and you will have to put up with it.

I think I’d stop worrying about big events planned for her and just invite her to things that suit you.

She's a nasty ungrateful bitch.

Drop the rope OP.

@Playtoo - It’s clear from your posts that you have gone above and beyond what most offspring would consider reasonable to support a parent. Your DM should be really appreciative of your efforts, so IMHO if she complains that it’s not enough, you should just say ‘okay then, I’m going’. Never think that you are responsible for her social life and happiness.

My gran is like this. She recently went on a long rant about how no-one takes her anywhere. She is mobile, gets the bus to town regularly (right outside her door) and has 6 children living within a 2 mile radius- 2 of them have very poor health but between the other 4 they take her somewhere most weekends. My auntie produced her with a list of everywhere she had taken her in the last year (many meals, theatre, museums she requested, a holiday to spain ffs etc) and hasn't bothered since. This is the attitude you need.

I agree with others. The only reply you should be giving her is “no problem” and then drop it.

Don’t mention it again. And let her stew.

It’s taken me 64 years to to realise I can’t please my mum no matter what. I wonder if it like that for everyone- impossible mums. And I’m not going to get on to all the comments about weight!

My mum is shall we be kind and say demanding and it is bloody hard work and frustrating so I totally understand OP. This is my mum...I want an outing. I never go anywhere ...said with such venom a rattlesnake would run!! Now this is true what she says she never does go anywhere but that is all down to her and not for the want of trying on my part. I will gladly take her anywhere she chooses but she is so impaired with her mobility it is impossible with out aids to help acheive this. She cannot walk more than a few steps. For years I have bought various wheelchairs and offered to get her a mobility scooter then she would have freedom to do and go exactly where she pleases but no,,again such venom she positively spits at you with nastiness I am not using them..and she will not. She has given up her freedom to sit in a bloody chair upsetting the rest of the wider family who do want to take her places and enjoy her company just for the sake of being awkward. I have had 20 yrs of this crap with her and now I think ok mum you won't help yourself sit in the chair and wait to die. She has upset us all so much and genuinely enjoys doing so , so let her. She could and would have a lovely life with us all, a life she herself wants but she will not bend. I am not looking like other people in wheelchairs ...ok mum but I would take a look they are living! So now I offer nothing and don't waste my time. She loves it when everyone is begging her to come I know this and I also firmly believe she hates being left out but what can we do? She too knows it hurts us and she seems to not so secretly enjoy that. We want her to join us and enjoy life , she wants to but she isn't going to for whatever reasons she has. Her weird power play is not going to be what a play anymore it is far too upsetting.

@rubicustellitall You can only bring a horse to water and it sounds like you have done as much as you can for your mum. Her quality of life is obviously impaired and she has the option to try and make the most of it with the support of her family, or wallow. She’s chosen wallowing so I guess you can’t make her enjoy her life.

Maybe try just a ‘do the duty’ visits and leave it at that. I simply couldn’t and wouldn’t do the whole no contact thing so we really need to find ways of protecting ourselves

“You can invite me out too, you know, mum?”