To wonder if this is remotely normal -DM?

[Playtoo]

My DM can be quite demanding and at the weekend I mentioned that I booked a restaurant for a late lunch so we could ‘end the Summer’

DM response was ‘well you haven’t taken me out since Mother day, that was it so why would we bother’

At the beginning of May I took her on (and paid for ) a week long cruise and I pointed that out.

I visit twice sometimes 2-3 times a week and she’s been up for sunday lunch a few times since Mat. We’ve been out at the shops and grabbed an odd coffee as well. In between this I’ve been on holidays for 3 weeks , organised away camps for kids etc and it’s really been all go.

AIBU to be quite pissed off at this attitude. My mother doesn’t want to go for a pub lunch and a glass of wine, she wants a meal and pub afterwards etc so it’s never a couple of hours. Once every 3 months for this type of meal seems reasonable enough to me but am i wrong ?

I mean….my mum would never have this kind of expectation. It sounds like you do a crazy amount for her, especially if she isn’t even grateful. Do you actually enjoy her company? You know you don’t have to do anything at all right?

No, I don’t think it’s normal for older parents to feel this way. Well, it’s not my experience. My parents and PILs all have said at various points that they remember how hectic life can be when children are still living at home and they all prioritize that. Sometimes they even help. Partly because it’s best for their grandchildren, partly because they know we don’t have so much time, partly because they’re not selfish individuals. They all expect to see us and be seen; but they also all would die of shame to have us pay for them as they all see themselves as still the parents/grandparents, and they know that nothing would be gained by centering themselves other than being left out in the cold. My MIL tried it once or twice when her GDC were very young, but she soon gave up when she saw that we just didn’t pay attention and got on without her.

Hmm some vicious responses here. All I'll say is those sound like the words of a depressed person. Retirement can be boring after a full life, boredom leads to depression quite easily and a lack of confidence kicks in. Combined with sometimes embarrassing physical problems (incontinence, common in older women) sometimes the easiest way to regain some control is whingeing or refusing.

And yes, I have a miserable older person in my life too.

@Summerhillsquare Perhaps she is depressed. As my children get into their late teens I can see how my life will become less busy, potentially less full. To ensure that I don’t become overly reliant on my children I am taking up pastimes with longevity.

I don’t doubt DM is somewhat lonely, I just don’t know why I have to bare the brunt of her anger

But that’s not for you or the op to manage. You can’t “nice” someone out of depression.

Just reply with 'Yeah, why DO I bother?' And don't invite her again. She sounds horrible.

Wow! Just wow. So entitled. I am happy if any of my grown up kids think to buy me a bar of chocolate, not because they are mean but because it's the thought that counts 😊

This, OP, and the fact that you are not responsible for someone else depression. You can signpost and suggest, the rest it up to her.

However, look at the bigger picture. How she’s been throughout her life, this is probably her general mindset, you can’t fix that either.

I’d defo consider less contact, it must be so draining!!

I shouldn’t worry about your life being less busy, seems to me your mother can fill it up all by herself.

OP - or all the PPS? - have you got any Flying Monkees in your Mum’s life who encourage her with this mindset? Who will back up and support her attitude even when she’s in the wrong and you’re trying desperately to make suggestions that will improve her life but that she flat out refuses to listen to?

No, she doesn’t have that at all