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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my partner being unreasonable?

58 replies

RainbowStars27 · 19/08/2025 07:19

I just wanted to get others opinion as it is really causing an issue atm!

I am a first time mum to a 4 week old little girl. I have recently discovered she sleeps far better with white noise, so I have bought a little portable white noise machine. This has been working well and I have been getting a good few hour stretches of sleep in at night!

My boyfriend has recently gone back to work and is now saying he cannot sleep with the white noise playing in our bedroom (where she sleeps). He utterly refuses to have it on, which means she sleeps for shorter stretches and wakes easily - if she falls back asleep at all. It is also me doing all the nights as he is back to work - fair enough.

This has resulted in me and her sleeping in the living room (on sofa and in Moses basket) from about 12am every night, so I can carry on playing white noise.

I understand that it is important for him to get his sleep as he is working, but I can’t help feeling this is a little unfair on me and her. The white noise volume is very low and my back is starting to hurt sleeping on the sofa!

Please give me your honest advice and opinions, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheNightingalesStarling · 19/08/2025 07:21

Have youbtried turning it back on when your partner is asleep?
Surely your baby waking is more disturbing? Tell him he can sleep on the sofa or use ear plugs if his sleep is that vital

(Plus he can take his turn at night time get ups at weekends!)

adlitem · 19/08/2025 07:21

Why doesn't he sleep on the sofa? Why is his sleep more important than that of you and his daughter?

He's not unreasonable to not be able to sleep with white noise (I can't either), but he should take himself elsewhere, not you.

Jackie246 · 19/08/2025 07:22

Dear god what an utter bellend he is. Of COURSE he is being unreasonable. Tell him to buy one of those headband earphone things and get a grip, he has other people to accommodate in his life now. And if he can’t abide the white noise then HE should sleep on the sofa, not his newly postpartum wife. Honestly the lack of care and consideration he is showing you is staggering.

courageiscontagious · 19/08/2025 07:24

What a prick. I’m guessing he’s selfish and mean in other ways as well.

theres a newborn. You just gave birth after a long pregnancy and he can’t suck up having a white noise machine?

he should be on the couch is the short term issue. Mid-long term issue is to look at whether he is a good enough person to share your life with.

don’t have another baby until your partner grows up.

QuickFawn · 19/08/2025 07:24

Another useless selfish partner

Ohlifelife · 19/08/2025 07:27

Personally I don 't think using white noise for a wee baby is a good thing. The good chances are that it will become dependent on needing the white noise to sleep. And there is the danger of damaging the child's hearing.
Tbh I have some sympathy with the baby 's Dad because it would drive me mad.

prgnt · 19/08/2025 07:32

He’s working in the day - fair enough. Are you not doing anything in the day then?
How are his hours at work? Are you not working hard to keep a little human alive 24/7?
Is he a brain surgeon? What kind of work does he do and how detrimental is a little tiredness to it? Surely not as bad as being sleep deprived whilst looking after a baby? (I always used to say it to my husband - what’s worse: making an error in the emails / PowerPoint or me falling asleep unsafely with a newborn in the daytime because I’m sleep deprived?)

based on your responses to the above, does his sleep really trump yours and baby’s sleep??

MrTiddlesTheCat · 19/08/2025 07:39

Why does working mean he can't do night waking or have his sleep disturbed. Why is he more important than you and your baby?

HoskinsChoice · 19/08/2025 08:10

MrTiddlesTheCat · 19/08/2025 07:39

Why does working mean he can't do night waking or have his sleep disturbed. Why is he more important than you and your baby?

Don't be ridiculous! He's not more important, it's just different circumstances. You can't expect the working parent to do the night waking in the early stages when they have to go to work. They have a job to do which they are being paid for. At weekends, yes, but not when they have they have to go to work.

Zanatdy · 19/08/2025 08:13

He is being selfish, and working or not, he should be helping with night feeds / early wake ups. He should be sleeping on the sofa. Why are his needs more important?

myplace · 19/08/2025 08:14

Mum is also working, @HoskinsChoice Keeping a child alive. She falls asleep or stumbles at the wrong moment and the baby is at risk. Office jobs don’t carry the same risk, though manual or machine operating jobs do.

Eenameenadeeka · 19/08/2025 08:17

If anyone is sleeping on the sofa, it should be him.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 19/08/2025 08:19

adlitem · 19/08/2025 07:21

Why doesn't he sleep on the sofa? Why is his sleep more important than that of you and his daughter?

He's not unreasonable to not be able to sleep with white noise (I can't either), but he should take himself elsewhere, not you.

Yep. You have a newborn and you've just given birth.

Tell him to get to the sofa OR do the wake-up/care in the night.

He's not just unreasonable, he's a selfish arse! It'd be different if she was 6 months old and hadn't settled/outgrown it. But she's tiny and you're still healing.

Rm77 · 19/08/2025 08:23

Why doesn’t he wear earplugs ? There are various ones on the market that are comfortable and noise cancelling.

Bearbookagainandagain · 19/08/2025 08:30

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable. I can't sleep with white noise either, it would drive me mad. Earplugs too.

It's not unusual to sleep in separate rooms from time to time with young babies.
It shouldn't be you always sleeping on the sofa though, you should at least alternate, buy a more comfy bed etc. Or put a single bed/mattress your child's bedroom?

Nannyfannybanny · 19/08/2025 08:35

Of course white noise isn't going to damage a babies ears. Back in the 70/80s babies napped in the day,in the room with vacuum cleaners going, all sorts, because people realised if you kept everything quiet, tiptoed around them, they wake up at every sound.

Tiredjusttired · 19/08/2025 08:39

Actually I think you are being unreasonable.

If your partner is driving to work or using machinery for work, then he MUST get sleep. If he doesn’t sleep, then he could be involved in a car accident and he would be at fault due to driving while tired.

When my children were born, paternity leave was extremely limited. We made a decision that partner would sleep in the spare bedroom to protect his rest since he was driving to work. Sleep also informed the decision to breastfeed: breastfed babies cry a lot less, don’t get colic and night feeding is quieter, quicker and doesn’t involve so much winding. We also used a bit of slightly loose swaddling to minimise the impact of the startle reflex (I understand this isn’t fashionable now)

I recommend you ditch the white noise. One of the best things parents can do is to act calm and minimal for night wakings rather than doing that thing of turning all the lights on as well as the tv. By keeping lighting v low, not making a massive noise, babies are more likely to develop a healthy circadian rhythm.

JHound · 19/08/2025 08:47

He is fine to object to the white noise but he should give you and the baby the bedroom.

I am shocked that has not occurred to him.

Inertia · 19/08/2025 10:13

I’d give him the options- he can either wear earplugs to block out the white noise, or sleep on the sofa himself, or take turns with settling the baby at night. He can’t expect his life to carry on as it was pre-baby.

nutbrownhare15 · 19/08/2025 10:49

You've had a baby with a selfish arsehole.

nutbrownhare15 · 19/08/2025 10:51

Tiredjusttired · 19/08/2025 08:39

Actually I think you are being unreasonable.

If your partner is driving to work or using machinery for work, then he MUST get sleep. If he doesn’t sleep, then he could be involved in a car accident and he would be at fault due to driving while tired.

When my children were born, paternity leave was extremely limited. We made a decision that partner would sleep in the spare bedroom to protect his rest since he was driving to work. Sleep also informed the decision to breastfeed: breastfed babies cry a lot less, don’t get colic and night feeding is quieter, quicker and doesn’t involve so much winding. We also used a bit of slightly loose swaddling to minimise the impact of the startle reflex (I understand this isn’t fashionable now)

I recommend you ditch the white noise. One of the best things parents can do is to act calm and minimal for night wakings rather than doing that thing of turning all the lights on as well as the tv. By keeping lighting v low, not making a massive noise, babies are more likely to develop a healthy circadian rhythm.

As a sleep deprived mother I was fine driving. Great excuse for useless men to leave their partner utterly exhausted while the they sleep as normal.

Everybodysinthehousetonight · 19/08/2025 10:54

This was my husband many years ago, I was the one on the sofa with a newborn. Weirdly he actually got much better as they got older. He was just ignorant with the first baby as his own parents were so crap.

Jojimoji · 19/08/2025 10:56

Totally understandable that he can't sleep with white noise and totally understandable that you and baby sleep better with it. So obviously someone has to move.....

But, four weeks after giving birth and HE is happy to hog the bed , leaving YOU sleeping on the sofa????????????

Unbefuckinglievable.

GoldDuster · 19/08/2025 10:58

Any man who would see a new mother and a newborn sleeping on the sofa rather than sticking himself a pair of earplugs in, or god forbid supporting her to also get some sleep is a total dickhead.

Having a newborn affecting his sleep is it? He is a selfish prick OP.

freerangethighs · 19/08/2025 11:11

White noise in the bedroom with the baby and you. Earplugs or sofa for Boyfriend. Also, don't let him away with saying that most or all of the baby care is up to you (he sounds like the type); yes, if you're on maternity leave you have full responsibility while he's at work but otherwise it should be split fifty fifty. It may seem difficult at first especially if you're breast feeding, so a little extra effort on his part may be needed and that can include listening to you when you tell him what's needed.

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