Is my partner being unreasonable?

[RainbowStars27]

I just wanted to get others opinion as it is really causing an issue atm!

I am a first time mum to a 4 week old little girl. I have recently discovered she sleeps far better with white noise, so I have bought a little portable white noise machine. This has been working well and I have been getting a good few hour stretches of sleep in at night!

My boyfriend has recently gone back to work and is now saying he cannot sleep with the white noise playing in our bedroom (where she sleeps). He utterly refuses to have it on, which means she sleeps for shorter stretches and wakes easily - if she falls back asleep at all. It is also me doing all the nights as he is back to work - fair enough.

This has resulted in me and her sleeping in the living room (on sofa and in Moses basket) from about 12am every night, so I can carry on playing white noise.

I understand that it is important for him to get his sleep as he is working, but I can’t help feeling this is a little unfair on me and her. The white noise volume is very low and my back is starting to hurt sleeping on the sofa!

Please give me your honest advice and opinions, am I being unreasonable?

He should either wear ear plugs or sleep on the sofa himself

He needs to sleep elsewhere or wear earplugs. What an arsehole

Why are you sleeping on the sofa and not in the baby's room? This presumably isn't going to be short term so if there isn't already a bed there, could you get a cheap and cheerful one to see you through?

I’ve been in an almost identical situation around 10 months ago, and more recently due to sleep regression. There’s no way you and baby should be relegated to the lounge. Get a decent inflatable bed and he can sleep in the lounge if it’s such an issue. Baby’s needs trump his.

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable, but you do need to come to an amicable and workable agreement here.

Do you have a spare bedroom? Partner could/perhaps should sleep in there for now. If not then he can sleep on the sofa assuming it is reasonably comfortable. Is it a sofabed?

Or, he can wear earplugs in the bedroom if he can tolerate them (not everyone can, and I doubt that I could).

White noise isn't damaging to babies' hearing. That's bollocks unless it is played at very high volume. My three all used to sleep while the washing machine, vacuum cleaner, radio etc. were on, sometimes all at once! None went deaf at all.

That said, I would still slowly (over weeks or a couple of months) wean your baby off the white noise machine simply because it isn't a long term solution. At least reduce the volume as much as possible.

Unless his job is something unusual he should share the night parenting. You need to be well and awake enough to look after DC safely and recover from birth and be safe yourself.

Don’t go down the road to exhaustion or danger by prioritising his wishes/wellbeing over yours and DC. Been there done that and had some awful near misses as a result.

You are both important. He needs to work, you need to look after a baby.

I think considering you're the one doing the wakes, you should be free to to have the conditions that make your job easier.

Has he given it time to get used to it? He could try ear plugs? As a last resort you could share who gets priority, you can have it for a month, then he can have it for a month or something like that.

I'd find his attitude a bit hard to tolerate if I'm honest. When we brought our first baby home, my husband would do half the night with the baby to give me a break and didn't once complain about the fact that he had work the next day. He knew it was hard and that he needed to do his bit.

Partner can sleep on sofa, you can stay in bedroom with baby. You’re both working - he is working at his job, you’re working FT caring for baby.

He goes on the sofa, wears earplugs or (if you aren't breastfeeding) he gets up every time she wakes when the white noise machine isn't on. He can't refuse to get up with her and stop you from doing something that helps her sleep. That's totally unreasonable of him.

what utter rubbish. I went back to work when DD was about 6 months and still waking plus DS would wake up for the day at 5.30. I functioned, as do millions of others - unless he is a bomb disposal expert or air traffic control, he can function on somewhat less than ideal sleep like most people do.

I can’t imagine my H ever putting himself first like this, and it makes me so sad to read about all these cunt men treating women and children so poorly.

Thanks for your opinions everyone.

We have a spare room but no bed (it’s currently the nursery for when she is older). Can always put a temporary bed in there if the earplugs don’t work!

I should have said that I’m not breastfeeding (tongue tie ruined plans for this!) so I obviously make a bottle in the kitchen and then end up lying down on the sofa. Although I would be happy to feed her back in bed of course!

All a bit confusing - I just wanted an opinion on the refusal to let me play white noise really.

We slept in separate rooms while babies were small (seemed pointless both of us being awake and DC were EBF so he couldn't help much in the night anyway). I don't think you should be on the couch though. We had a single bed in the babies room. If you don't have space for that I think you should buy a sofa bed or camping bed for the lounge that he sleeps on so you get the bedroom back and can get some sleep

Damaging the child’s hearing? Give it a rest 😂 it’s very low level background white noise not a bloody orchestra in the bedroom!

Have you another bedroom, i.e. is she going to have her own room at some point? If so, sleep in there with her until you feel happy letting her sleep alone. If not, you need to move soon anyway!

If bottle feeding your husband should be helping even more to help you both get some quality sleep, wherever that is. You can go to bed early and he can stay up to do the last feed of the night. Alternatively he gets up a bit earlier for work and does morning routing while you get a bit more sleep / shower. You’re a team.

I do feel bad for your partner. If he can't sleep with the white noise, then he can't. I hate white noise.

Is there a reason he can't sleep in the sitting room, or does waking/crying baby unexpectedly intrude that place at all hours?

Hes not telling you to go to the sitting room, you are. So he technically hasnt banished you. Could you try removing white noise from baby and get her acclimatised to silence? Or change the background noise to low volume waves or a nature sound?

I couldn't sleep with white noise either, but he should have been the one on the sofa

Just put an airbed in the spare room. I'm sure he wouldn't mind sleeping there.

I personally find it difficult to sleep with white noise, or in a sitting room if there was traffic coming in and our (eg making bottles at night).

Have you asked him if he'd be happy to go into the spare room?

Why not? Im sure when op goes back to work she'll be expected to work AND do wake ups in the night.

Men need to parent from the beginning including night waking for feeds or nappy changes.

Fucking sick of this moddycoddlying of new fathers when women give birth or have major surgery and are immediately lef to it.

And what kind of useless piece of skin allows his child and mother of said child recovering from birth to sleep on a sofa downstairs?!

Baby’s dad should be on the sofa. He should not be doing everything he can to help you and baby get rest, even if he is working.

then he has to deal with his own sleep on the side. He can start by going to bed earlier. You mention moving to the sofa at 12. He would get more sleep if he set himself up on the sofa at a better hour.

Neither are unreasonable, get a cheap bed for the spare room, you will probably use it for years anyway

The white noise has to be calibrated at a low enough level not to damage the baby's hearing. Apparently some of the equipment being sold is actually calibrated at too high a level and can cause damage.
It's not just me saying this. There are legitimate concerns about the use of white noise.
And considering a child's well being is at stake perhaps you should check facts before pooh poohing concerns.

He expects you to sleep on the sofa while recovering from childbirth. Wow, what a prince.