So …My partner is the main bread winner (yes I know - first mistake 🤦🏻♀️), we have been living separate lives for a while with no relationship at the core of the marriage; separate rooms (his decision), left blaming me - saying I was causing tension and friction and he couldn’t sleep next to me. (I was trying to bring up daily challenges/usual stuff, so we could work on together). We had a 8, 6 and a 2 year old at the time. Only saw him in evenings after work and after he’d spent time with kids. He literally was like “don’t bring up stressful stuff to me”.
Anyway…He was always cold in the sense, not cuddling in bed etc.
He’s absent a lot, regularly going on holiday with friends without kids and I (3 - 4 times per year with his hobbies - skiing, sailing, Kitesurfing - long Wkends, 3 -5 days). Says he spends very little on these due to contacts with resources, free places to stay etc…
I don’t have access to resources like this, so other than a family ski holiday with kids once a year to an apartment his parents own - I have only been on a holiday as a family
2 times in 10 years. (I don’t actually ski, I can only snowboard so it’s hard to all ski together and I find it scary so am not keen to go anymore, I’m 45 now, don’t bounce like I did in my 20’s).
Lately he’s been saying the family holidays we do that are not skiing, are too expensive (less than 5K) and we can’t do anymore or they’ll have to be cheaper…camping etc. Camping with him is so difficult, he’s quite messy - and doesn’t clean up after himself. He won’t allow us to use proper beds, has to be blow up mattresses on the floor etc. Has to be the one to choose the location/campsite.
He’s incredibly achievement focused with the kids, we have 3 ages 15, 13 and 9. The 15 year old is in private school, the fees have unfortunately gone up and up since we started, (he’s been resentful of that - blaming the school), our eldest loves her school and yet he’s never go a good word to say about it or her achievement within it. She’s really come out of her shell. She was very shy and academically struggling when she started - she’s absolutely excelling now.
He has said if she gets grammar school results we need to come out of the private school - and go to a grammar for her A-levels. Even though she’s striving there.
Our son is already in a grammar, he’s the most favoured, always getting the attention, accolades, and praise. The girls actually tell me they know - he’s Dads favourite as he’s most like him. Mu husband was the “Golden boy” of his family.
Our youngest daughter is really struggling, is probably ADHD and dyslexic, would benefit greatly from the input of a smaller class room, class sizes etc of a private school, not even the same one. Somewhere cheaper if possible.
However he’s saying he wants to retire (he’s 53), not prepared to fund remaining private school and subsequent university.
I’ve been a stay and home mum for
15 years as we live remotely, the kids are in 3 different schools, spread out in ages with different emotional needs. I pick up all day to day logistics, school responsibilities all household requirements and chores Monday to Friday. No family around to support/help.
I made the decision to be a SAHM due to the amount of travel and just general time commitment of his role (subsequent roles - there have been several very stressful redundancies), he leaves at 7 and isn’t home until 8:30pm most evenings and has always had an attitude of that being non negotiable. Sometimes there is additional socialising after work also.
Part of the reason I ended up being a SAHM was because our kids had quite high needs, my eldest has possible dyspraxia, they knew me by name at A&E as she was always falling over and hurting something, including plastic surgery after a very bad fall down some stairs at 3 years old. My 2nd born only 2 years after my first was in & out of hospital in the first year with low weight gain, feeding problems, and then issues with low immune tolerance. Our surprise baby 3rd, had suspected meningitis at 3 months old and was in & out of hospital for that 1st year. So that brings us to 2018. By which time I was enduring symptoms of chronic fatigue.
…I was thinking about how to get back to work and did my 1st proper job at start of 2020 when youngest was due to start school. However by the March we were all in “lock down” and I was home schooling.
I won’t go into that, other than to say - I have folders of work that I did with the kids, who were then - 9, 7 and 4. They played, did lots of art and baking. They have fond memories of it.
..(He worked pretty much non stop, 12 - 16 hour days. Spent any time outside of that, with the kids). It wasn’t an easy time and I realised then we were probably not in a good place, he had not one word of gratitude or empathy re the once-in-a-lifetime event that was homeschooling 3 children. Yes I did have gratitude and empathy for him having to WFH during Covid.
Anyway I now do some work freelance around the kids but it’s low paid and difficult as I’ve also be in charge of organising contractors to slowly renovate 15th century cottage we bought 10 years ago (his choice, I literally told him not to buy it). It’s needed a lot of work and I’ve been organising that over the 10 years whilst raising a young family.
At weekends he will help, with the dishwasher, does some cooking and splits some of the driving logistics with me. He is mostly in the garden however - doing hedges. He will do no maintenance whatsoever on the cottage, hates DIY, I have to do everything or organise a contractor to do it. I’ve not hidden my annoyance well here as I do not understand why someone with no interest in DIY bought such a high maintenance house to then complain about every cost.
However I am often on the receiving end off a barrage of texts about how selfish, controlling, toxic I am for x, y, z. Usually about how he feels ‘left out of plans’, ‘not consulted’ - over weekend plans, e.g. if one of my parents are visiting (actually very rare) and they offer to take kids & I out for a meal & I don’t ask him 1st (usually cause he’s not here and it won’t impact him).
Anyway I’ve caught him lieing several times; small things but it’s lead to an un easy feeling - about saying friends have ‘invited him out for drinks’, when it’s actually been him organising - the wives of friends have flagged it up to me.
Recently he said he hadn’t seen a friend since Jan/Feb when he’d actually seen them 2 weeks ago for drinks in a different city. His entire social life revolves around drinking, on the holidays with friends it’s all about drinking. Evenings out with friends, it’s all about drinking…That is frequent and fairly consistent.
Over the last 5 years he’s become more and more resentful that I don’t earn a bigger income, blaming me saying I’m the reason the kids aren’t going to private school, saying if I want our youngest go to private school I’ll have to fund it. He says it’s been my choice not to ‘work’. However I don’t see how round running a household alone (every chore), the 3 kids in the 3 different schools, all their after school clubs etc, I could have made it work. I’m up at 6 when he is to start household chores, washing, dishwasher etc, I’m on the go all day, only sitting down to schedule appointments for kids/diary management/admin etc, then school pick ups start and all after school clubs, I’m on the road until 7/8:30pm every night with kids after school clubs (and I teach yoga & Pilates classes when I can around that during the day).
I usually have about 3 hours a day spare after running house and kids lives and I “work” then, class planning, social media, etc (I’m a yoga teacher). A relative paid for my training to become a fitness teacher a few years ago, as I didn’t feel I could ask him at all
This has become a nightmare I feel I can’t get out of. Believe it or not i actually had a good career before kids and I had some hope of going back, we were living in a commuter town 10 years ago and I had an nanny lined up and a network and was ready to go.
Then he moved us out here (remote country house), saying he hated the commuter town, didn’t want any of the houses. We were up against a deadline with a rental agreement at the time. I had a baby that was 1 year old and I just did not realise how isolated I’d be out here and how I’d slip into this world of being a full time mum to 3 kids (we had a surprise baby the year after we moved here), driving everyone everywhere with no help and a husband that has been “busy” and openly resentful/hostile.
I’ve so many times over the years said the location is killing any hope of me having a sustainable career, the kids need lifts everywhere, i do an average of 15 - 20 hours driving a week. The house renovations are a part time job in themselves…he takes no part in them.
He just says we can’t afford to move, because of my low income, which I don’t understand. Anyway feeling very trapped. Not really sure what I’m asking …I’m
Probably starting to think about divorce - an I being unreasonable? I know I’ve been stupid and pretty bonkers becoming this dependent. I feel like I’ve woken up and realised I’ve drifted out to sea. …What is land how do I get there? Am I going mad?? Help.
…What is normal? If reading still reading - thanks. 🙏
FYI…I set up some marriage counselling after he finally agreed to go after years of asking. She’s politely declined to agree to support us. We are now just doing some private sessions together (counsellor & I)…which is a bit unusual. I asked and she agreed.
He says I’m the problem, I don’t want to heal, I’m controlling, hostile, etc… i just feel paralysed by the bizarreness of it all!!
I guess the reality of my situation is dawning and I’m wondering if it’s as bad as it seems…