Wondering what do next…Starting to think divorce may be only hope? Please be kind 😔

[EnthusiasticButterfly]

So …My partner is the main bread winner (yes I know - first mistake 🤦🏻‍♀️), we have been living separate lives for a while with no relationship at the core of the marriage; separate rooms (his decision), left blaming me - saying I was causing tension and friction and he couldn’t sleep next to me. (I was trying to bring up daily challenges/usual stuff, so we could work on together). We had a 8, 6 and a 2 year old at the time. Only saw him in evenings after work and after he’d spent time with kids. He literally was like “don’t bring up stressful stuff to me”.

Anyway…He was always cold in the sense, not cuddling in bed etc.

He’s absent a lot, regularly going on holiday with friends without kids and I (3 - 4 times per year with his hobbies - skiing, sailing, Kitesurfing - long Wkends, 3 -5 days). Says he spends very little on these due to contacts with resources, free places to stay etc…

I don’t have access to resources like this, so other than a family ski holiday with kids once a year to an apartment his parents own - I have only been on a holiday as a family
2 times in 10 years. (I don’t actually ski, I can only snowboard so it’s hard to all ski together and I find it scary so am not keen to go anymore, I’m 45 now, don’t bounce like I did in my 20’s).

Lately he’s been saying the family holidays we do that are not skiing, are too expensive (less than 5K) and we can’t do anymore or they’ll have to be cheaper…camping etc. Camping with him is so difficult, he’s quite messy - and doesn’t clean up after himself. He won’t allow us to use proper beds, has to be blow up mattresses on the floor etc. Has to be the one to choose the location/campsite.

He’s incredibly achievement focused with the kids, we have 3 ages 15, 13 and 9. The 15 year old is in private school, the fees have unfortunately gone up and up since we started, (he’s been resentful of that - blaming the school), our eldest loves her school and yet he’s never go a good word to say about it or her achievement within it. She’s really come out of her shell. She was very shy and academically struggling when she started - she’s absolutely excelling now.

He has said if she gets grammar school results we need to come out of the private school - and go to a grammar for her A-levels. Even though she’s striving there.

Our son is already in a grammar, he’s the most favoured, always getting the attention, accolades, and praise. The girls actually tell me they know - he’s Dads favourite as he’s most like him. Mu husband was the “Golden boy” of his family.

Our youngest daughter is really struggling, is probably ADHD and dyslexic, would benefit greatly from the input of a smaller class room, class sizes etc of a private school, not even the same one. Somewhere cheaper if possible.

However he’s saying he wants to retire (he’s 53), not prepared to fund remaining private school and subsequent university.

I’ve been a stay and home mum for
15 years as we live remotely, the kids are in 3 different schools, spread out in ages with different emotional needs. I pick up all day to day logistics, school responsibilities all household requirements and chores Monday to Friday. No family around to support/help.

I made the decision to be a SAHM due to the amount of travel and just general time commitment of his role (subsequent roles - there have been several very stressful redundancies), he leaves at 7 and isn’t home until 8:30pm most evenings and has always had an attitude of that being non negotiable. Sometimes there is additional socialising after work also.

Part of the reason I ended up being a SAHM was because our kids had quite high needs, my eldest has possible dyspraxia, they knew me by name at A&E as she was always falling over and hurting something, including plastic surgery after a very bad fall down some stairs at 3 years old. My 2nd born only 2 years after my first was in & out of hospital in the first year with low weight gain, feeding problems, and then issues with low immune tolerance. Our surprise baby 3rd, had suspected meningitis at 3 months old and was in & out of hospital for that 1st year. So that brings us to 2018. By which time I was enduring symptoms of chronic fatigue.

…I was thinking about how to get back to work and did my 1st proper job at start of 2020 when youngest was due to start school. However by the March we were all in “lock down” and I was home schooling.

I won’t go into that, other than to say - I have folders of work that I did with the kids, who were then - 9, 7 and 4. They played, did lots of art and baking. They have fond memories of it.

..(He worked pretty much non stop, 12 - 16 hour days. Spent any time outside of that, with the kids). It wasn’t an easy time and I realised then we were probably not in a good place, he had not one word of gratitude or empathy re the once-in-a-lifetime event that was homeschooling 3 children. Yes I did have gratitude and empathy for him having to WFH during Covid.

Anyway I now do some work freelance around the kids but it’s low paid and difficult as I’ve also be in charge of organising contractors to slowly renovate 15th century cottage we bought 10 years ago (his choice, I literally told him not to buy it). It’s needed a lot of work and I’ve been organising that over the 10 years whilst raising a young family.

At weekends he will help, with the dishwasher, does some cooking and splits some of the driving logistics with me. He is mostly in the garden however - doing hedges. He will do no maintenance whatsoever on the cottage, hates DIY, I have to do everything or organise a contractor to do it. I’ve not hidden my annoyance well here as I do not understand why someone with no interest in DIY bought such a high maintenance house to then complain about every cost.

However I am often on the receiving end off a barrage of texts about how selfish, controlling, toxic I am for x, y, z. Usually about how he feels ‘left out of plans’, ‘not consulted’ - over weekend plans, e.g. if one of my parents are visiting (actually very rare) and they offer to take kids & I out for a meal & I don’t ask him 1st (usually cause he’s not here and it won’t impact him).

Anyway I’ve caught him lieing several times; small things but it’s lead to an un easy feeling - about saying friends have ‘invited him out for drinks’, when it’s actually been him organising - the wives of friends have flagged it up to me.
Recently he said he hadn’t seen a friend since Jan/Feb when he’d actually seen them 2 weeks ago for drinks in a different city. His entire social life revolves around drinking, on the holidays with friends it’s all about drinking. Evenings out with friends, it’s all about drinking…That is frequent and fairly consistent.

Over the last 5 years he’s become more and more resentful that I don’t earn a bigger income, blaming me saying I’m the reason the kids aren’t going to private school, saying if I want our youngest go to private school I’ll have to fund it. He says it’s been my choice not to ‘work’. However I don’t see how round running a household alone (every chore), the 3 kids in the 3 different schools, all their after school clubs etc, I could have made it work. I’m up at 6 when he is to start household chores, washing, dishwasher etc, I’m on the go all day, only sitting down to schedule appointments for kids/diary management/admin etc, then school pick ups start and all after school clubs, I’m on the road until 7/8:30pm every night with kids after school clubs (and I teach yoga & Pilates classes when I can around that during the day).

I usually have about 3 hours a day spare after running house and kids lives and I “work” then, class planning, social media, etc (I’m a yoga teacher). A relative paid for my training to become a fitness teacher a few years ago, as I didn’t feel I could ask him at all

This has become a nightmare I feel I can’t get out of. Believe it or not i actually had a good career before kids and I had some hope of going back, we were living in a commuter town 10 years ago and I had an nanny lined up and a network and was ready to go.

Then he moved us out here (remote country house), saying he hated the commuter town, didn’t want any of the houses. We were up against a deadline with a rental agreement at the time. I had a baby that was 1 year old and I just did not realise how isolated I’d be out here and how I’d slip into this world of being a full time mum to 3 kids (we had a surprise baby the year after we moved here), driving everyone everywhere with no help and a husband that has been “busy” and openly resentful/hostile.

I’ve so many times over the years said the location is killing any hope of me having a sustainable career, the kids need lifts everywhere, i do an average of 15 - 20 hours driving a week. The house renovations are a part time job in themselves…he takes no part in them.

He just says we can’t afford to move, because of my low income, which I don’t understand. Anyway feeling very trapped. Not really sure what I’m asking …I’m
Probably starting to think about divorce - an I being unreasonable? I know I’ve been stupid and pretty bonkers becoming this dependent. I feel like I’ve woken up and realised I’ve drifted out to sea. …What is land how do I get there? Am I going mad?? Help.
…What is normal? If reading still reading - thanks. 🙏

FYI…I set up some marriage counselling after he finally agreed to go after years of asking. She’s politely declined to agree to support us. We are now just doing some private sessions together (counsellor & I)…which is a bit unusual. I asked and she agreed.

He says I’m the problem, I don’t want to heal, I’m controlling, hostile, etc… i just feel paralysed by the bizarreness of it all!!

I guess the reality of my situation is dawning and I’m wondering if it’s as bad as it seems…

Yes op you need to leave. Start making plans. You will be much happier without him

I’d honestly wouldn’t go for the nuclear option and head straight for divorce. I’d give myself a time limit, and try and stick it out for the children, at least until they’ve finished school. They sound like they need a lot of support and separation/divorce/housing etc will throw a massive spanner in the works. It’s an immense pressure being the main breadwinner - not that I’m excusing bad behaviour - but I’d take a step back from trying to actively solve relationship issues at this point and instead focus on maintaining a friendly, co-parenting relationship as much as possible.

We went through a very bad patch a few years ago and could hardly stand the sight of each other…. I would have sold him to the nearest woman for £1 and she might have got some change! I’m sure he felt the same about me. Money troubles mostly, him being the main earner, and I realised he just didn’t have the mental energy to focus on repairing our marriage and working his guts out simultaneously. So I tried to take the pressure off. Gradually things have improved and few years down the line we’re honestly happier than ever and I’m glad we pushed through. It was a terribly stressful time for us both, but kids get older and more independent and things can improve if that’s what you both want.

Thanks really appreciate anyone’s input, I think it’s now or never… I’m gutted, didn’t want this, feel like I’ve tried everything.

Even total compliance never worked…it was never good enough.

.

Another vote for divorce here. This is not sustainable and not OK.

Whether he has someone else or not, he appears completely checked out and frankly horrible to live with.

I would 100% start getting my proverbial ducks in a row. I can't see any benefit to tying yourself in knots trying to explain/collaborate with him, he's basically got the life HE wants. Incredibly manipulative from the sound of him.

My advice: don't keep trying to get through to him, focus on you and the kids and creating a dickhead-free future. Get as much as you can organised before you press the red button, so to speak, as he's clearly going to want to "win" at all costs, to your detriment.

I wish you luck. As an aside, maybe talk to your eldest's school about potential assisted places/bursaries which might enable her to stay on for 6th form. If not, you'll be able to say well in advance that it won't be possible and go from there. The kids are old enough to recognise the dynamic and it's not doing any of you any good.

So it seems he's always been like this.... Otherwise it could have been that he has that weird twisted psychology when they have another woman waiting in the wings and to avoid feeling guilty he's making it seem like you're the hostile party. As you said it would be a relief if he left you so, as pps have advised, divorce seems the way forward...the fact he's lying about where he is and who he's with is concerning but could work in your favour when it comes to divorce (?)

So sorry to hear about this, it must be very painful. I was 45 when I realised (slowly) "I can't do this any more" (work, though, not personal)... Best of luck to you.

Before I even got to the end of the OP I was thinking divorce.

Yep this is basically where we’ve landed or how I’ve tried to approach it.

I have loads of empathy for stress levels and disappointment he feels re his “failure of a career as he sees it” (several redundancies in, not CEO - apparently this was his expectation). I’ve tried empathy, I’ve tried sit down chats, put all the cards on table, said let’s sell the house, live in a caravan for a year - try and descale everything.

He just looks at me with distain and is like “get a job!” I’m trying to explain that every job I do round our complicated childcare/schools/clubs etc arrangements leaves me with the same crap income. 20K’ish. Whether it’s an office or my current fitness teaching stuff.

Thanks so much, appreciate the perspective.

OP, head over to the relationships board and the divorce board and read all the excellent advice on those. Take your time. Say nothing and quietly get on with gathering all the information you will need. There are dozens of women on those boards who have been where you are and you will get lots of support. If you report your thread to MN they will move it over to relationships for you. It is a kinder, gentler place than AIBU.

Go for it. Get your ducks in order finances and assets. £600 online to apply and legal advice to split & sell

your new life is within sight

Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful to you then OP, you know you’ve given it your all and tried every which way and sometimes it just doesn’t work out. You’re only one half of this, you can’t make it work all by yourself if he’s not onboard. It’s no failing or fault of yours. I wish you the very, very best of luck whatever you decide to do ❤️

I think so - yes. She certainly has been trying to help me, hear my own voice, and build back some self worth. Thanks 🙏

Definitely consider a divorce. I'd rather live in a doorway than living with someone who hates me.

The upheaval will be huge for the children, he'll pull the funding for DD's private education, he'll refuse to leave the home, are you prepared for that? Will you have somewhere else to go while the divorce is going on?

Forget about private schools for now, it's not happening for the younger children and isn't necessary, he wants to drink, rest, take his life back.

I'd put my head down until eldest DD finishes her A levels. Then leave.

Can’t reply to everyone unfortunately as am off to collect youngest from a club.

I am so so grateful for any reply, the worse feeling is, “I’m alone nobody is going to understand”. I’ll read all replies! 🙏

He can be the most charming man, he’s very calm, seems successful. But the reality is like some dystopian novel. If you saw our house, it’s a dream aside from the amount of work that needs doing. However the low level underlying rage & resentment is unreal.

Im starting to look for support and I guess this is part of that journey.

It's very normal to start a new life in your mid 40's, many parents divorce around this time, the children are older, things are clearer, no more foot wiping on their self esteem.

Op, it sounds like emotionally you have accepted the relationship is over. This is really good and means you can now move forward to a better future. Where I think you need to do some work is around preparing for what your new life will look like practically. This means:

• gathering financial evidence of your dh's income and your joint wealth before you leave.
• Sourcing a good lawyer
• preparing to return to work yourself, as not doing so is unlikely to be an option
• mentally preparing to support the kids through huge changes - although I think you are making the right decision, this will be the biggest challenge - there's a strong possibility that private schooling will no longer be an option for any of them. I can also see a scenario where your middle son wants to live with his dad since he's the golden child - I don't know if that's the case however.

Your material quality of life will change drastically but I believe it will be worth it.

I forgot to mention the holidays he’s taken in the last 10 years with the kids without me…
started when my youngest was born - he’s taken about 7 trips abroad with them solo.

Various justifications - the main one being that my being a SAHM is my privilege his sacrifice and he needs that one on one time to secure his relationship with the kids.

I justified it to family and friends saying that having one or two less kids for a few days or a week was like a break for me anyway.

But it slowly dawned me that I was being writren out of memories. That’s when I started saying it was a “family holiday” somewhere once a year.

Think is, when it’s happening to you - it’s hard to believe.

I forgot to mention the holidays he’s taken in the last 10 years with the kids without me…
started when my youngest was born - he’s taken about 7 trips abroad with them solo.

Various justifications - the main one being that my being a SAHM is my privilege his sacrifice and he needs that one on one time to secure his relationship with the kids.

I justified it to family and friends saying that having one or two less kids for a few days or a week was like a break for me anyway.

But it slowly dawned me that I was being writren out of memories. That’s when I started saying it was a “family holiday” somewhere once a year.

Think is, when it’s happening to you - it’s hard to believe.

OP - as I m sure you know, mumsnet is notorious for jumping to Leave the Bastard.

Some observations : we all homeschooled during the pandemic, many of us did it while holding down a job. None of us got medals for it.

All the early years hard work - yes that's parenting.

Some of what you describe is Mother Martydom. It's also years ago, and just part of life, let all of that go.

I think you need to consider a long term plan. How do you get back to meaningful work? Can you perhaps build up your working confidence by going back into a support role in your field of expertise, build back a career? Have you looked into remote work from home jobs?

Are you paying into a pension?

Can you take a break from your home life by visiting family. Get comfort and a break from the toxicity? Tell your parents, get their moral support.

Can you leave him with the kids for a weekend, take a break from him?

Can you stop being responsible for his cottage renovations? Or if not, can you start spending some time there? Is it a second home?

You have agency, all parents do school runs and drop offs, we all have life admin. It's not impossible to work, many of us do it.

He sounds meanspirited, spoilt and selfish. If he won't self reflect, then he is obstinant and will not change. You need to empower yourself, you are not drowning in a basin of water, you have skills and agency. You are not a martyr, you have options.

Thank you, I’m also anxious re the middle child and that scenario. He is his mini-me although with a modicum more empathy and compassion.

I’m trying hard to remember, he’s as much a victim of the scenario than anyone else…the pressure on him come GCSE’s/Alevels is going to be unreal. He’s already had him do a GCSE in year 8.

Right - time to find some courage and dig deep. Accept life is going to be dramatically different. Ugh 😩 but also 💪🏻

Umm, you being “good enough” was never what he wanted.

However, you are raising a good family, managing a huge renovation and running a business that I think you said is making a steady income year on year.

You are doing extremely well. You are strong, can juggle multiple balls, can create and achieve goals.

Your wanker doesn’t know what a treasure he has in his life and he will never know.

And another thing, when you are with you children and having a nice time, get the phone out and take selfies, group photos and get one kid take a photo of you with another.

Bite the bullet. Accept there is going to be quite a lot of downside. But that will be nothing compared to the upside of getting shot of this abusive jerk. Realistically how much longer could you carry on this way? Hope things get better for you soon and you find your voice. And get a really good solicitor!

Fair enough, never wanted praise…it was just observed by friends that their husbands had been so grateful and observed all they do and I realised - oh my partner was just fuming 😤 with me for asking him to put his plate in the dishwasher 😬

I did work part time in Covid - remotely in social media. I admit I was a SAHM for a lone time, I still describe my self as one although il actually working part time. The income is too low though.

3 kids in the 3 schools is pretty unusual - I don’t know anyone else in that high admin situation where they do 100% of the logistics and are also high flying career woman but hats off if they do - and my husband would certainly be keen to meet them.

Nope - due to complicated circumstances, no family support.

Thanks and yeah - all good learning.

He sounds like a dickhead, and I think divorce is inevitable, however I think you need to move away from your focus on private school.

So many children move for 6th form, and moving your elder DD means you'd only have two more years of this versus 4. Don't even consider if for your youngest unless you want to be stuck with him for 9 more years. Remember everything they may lose educationally is a gain in not having to witness this awful relationship any longer.